Post # 1
So while putting away the washing I found a ring box in my boyfriends clothes in a draw… And opened it. I know, I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. It is an ok ring, plain simple setting, but only .25 of a carot, from Blue Nile.
We have been together for 3 years, he is 32 and I am 30, and he had been talking about wanting to get married for tha last 6 months, but we have never discussed rings. I haven’t even thought about it before now. We are financially pretty stable and he earns about 90k. I suddenly feel dissapointed that he has bought a ring for less than $1000, and in addittion I think the diamond is a bit embarrassingly small (to wear at meetings etc when I work in a professional envornment).
He is a really understanding guy, and I am think that if I explain to him in a reasonable way, he will be happy to upgrade it. I don’t need a huge or fancy ring, but something over half a carot would be great. But what should I say without hurting his feelings or sounding too materialistic? I don’t want to confess to accidentaly finding the ring, but would like to be prepared to discuss it sometime after he proposes, and explain why I would prefer a bigger or more expensive ring.
Any advice would be appreciated! 🙂
Post # 2
Blue Nile has an upgrade plan, so he should be able to exchange it for a bigger one – the full cost of the original stone will be credited to the upgrade.
Post # 3
wouldlikeadvice: Eek! This is a really tough one! I don’t think you can do anything before the proposal. My only suggestion is to respond to the proposal for what it is, – an expression if his desire to marry you, and both enjoy that. Then the next day or when he asks you, just come clean about the ring. Offer to pay the difference yourself. Hopefully he will demur at that but if not, at least you get a ring you like. I’d try to be fairly light about it, which is fair enough as its not all about the ring.
Do you generally wear understated or minimal jewellery? He may have judged from that. I think it’s hard for some people to understand that many women have different hopes and expectations of an engagement ring if they normally wear minimal or funky jewellery.
Just say that although it’s beautiful, it’s not really you, and you prefer a larger diamond. Acknowledge that’s a a lot more expensive, so you’re happy to contribute. Make sure he knows it’s based on aesthetics rather than price tag.
Good luck on this one.
Post # 4
wouldlikeadvice: I would mention it to him as soon as possible. If he has only just bought it, it may be still within the returns policy. If you can’t talk about this openly to your future husband, then who can you talk to?
“Darling, while I was putting away the washing, I noticed a ring in a box. Is it for me? While I really appreciate you getting me a ring, and I’m really eager to marry you, I’d always dreamed of picking out the ring together with you. I know you value honesty in our relationship, so I have to say that the ring I saw isn’t really my style. Would you be happy to return it and choose a ring together?”
All the best!
Post # 5
Thanks, yeah I am pretty sure the ring is returnable from a quick look at their website, but what I am wondering is HOW should I tell him that I want a bigger and more expensive ring, without hurting his feelings? Are there any good reasons I can give him?
Post # 6
minta: that is an awesome reply – thanks! but I just don’t want to ruin the surprise he is organising…
Post # 7
No good reason other than that’s what YOU want. As youe future spouse, he is entitled to know the real you–and the real you prefers an expensive larger ring. I don’t see the problem with this unless you’ve been hiding who you really are from him and he’ll be shocked as hell to find out you’re preference was different from what he originally thought.
be honest. Straight up blunt and let him know what you want. You might get an answer you want, or you might not. But the issue seems to be large enough that you raised concern here–so go ahead and start one of the forst awkward conversations that marriage people have.
Post # 8
Drizzle: Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I hardly ever wear jewelry, so I understand why he would have bought it. I think you’re right – I just need to treat it lightly. I always thought the ring didn’t matter – it was the guy – so I hope I am not on the path to becoming a bridezilla 😉
Post # 9
I have small fingers but they are a bit bent and knobbly (no idea why, – it’s not age, they’ve never been great) small delicate rings with small centres just really look awful on my fingers, it accentuates their bad features. A larger centre balances them out.
When I see < 0.5 carat rounds on elegant tapered fingers I think they look lovely, on me they look yuck!
You could also tell him that you want the rings you exchange on your wedding day to be the rings you die wearing, so you want to future proof it (Obviously that only works if you are willing to forgo an upgrade in the future).
Is there anything he’s really into? Art? Cars? Sound systems? If so he might understand if you relate it to that. This is your one and only chance to get your dream indulgence, indefensible though it may be at a rational level. No one needs a Porsche or Bose surround sound, but some people get enough pleasure from them to warrant the opportunity cost entailed in buying them.
Post # 10
If I were in your situation, I would not indulge the fact that I know he already has purchased an engagement ring. I wouldn’t want that element of surprise to be totally broken. Instead, especially since he has been bringing up the topic of getting married for the past few months, I would bring up the topic of choosing a ring together. This could be as simple as you guys spending time at home together and asking if he’d be up to purusing some style of rings you’re interested in online. That way you could go over the basics of what your style is, such as carat size and setting (which would instantly make him realize that his choice was not the best — and if previous posts are right, he can just upgrade with Blue Nile).
I’ve found that some men are pretty clueless when it comes to jewelry and need direction. I’d say something like, “I’ve been thinking about us getting married and of my engagement ring. I’ve always thought it would be a great idea picking it out with you or at least looking at rings together so we’re on the same page. I’m so excited — can we go online now to look together?” And then making clear to explain I want a certain carat range because of how it looks, not because of the money. Especially since he makes 90k and obviously loves you, I don’t think (at least if I were you) I’d offer right away to contribute to the cost of the ring. It might take longer for him to purchase it and to propose, but at least he will know what you want.
EDIT: It depends on the SO obviously, but my BF’s feeling’s would be seriously hurt if I mentioned wanting to exchange the Engagement Ring after he proposed. I’m not saying that that’s a totally rational response, especially if it is framed sensitively. But, personally, I’d avoid him proposing at all costs and let him know your style/expectations subtley first so he has a chance to exchange the ring on his own.
Post # 11
wouldlikeadvice: maybe he just got this since he didnt know what you like and he really wanted a ring for the day he ask , so maybe hope that is what happens .
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2017 - Bahamas
vhenke1: i was thinking the same thing. Maybe he is going to propose with that ring but ask you to help him choose or design a ring together after the fact?
I would either wait until after the proposal to let him know that it’s not your ideal or gently hint at what you do want and suggest looking together now but don’t clue him in on the fact that you’ve seen the ring that he has. You know which would be best based on your boyfriend’s personality. Or you could graciously accept the ring that he offers you (assuming he’s not using it as a placeholder) and get a totally rocking blinged out wedding band!
Post # 13
Are you sure it’s an engagement ring and not some sort of promise ring or stand in (he may have gotten that knowing Blue Nile has an upgrade plan and fully expecting you to pick out what you really want)?
The time to let him know is right after he asks, not a few weeks down the road. He will inevitably ask if you like the ring, if for some reason it isn’t a stand in. Let him know very carefully you love that he asked and that you’ll be spending the rest of your lives together and at the same time, you had a different ring in mind to symbolize your love. Be careful to use “and” instead of “but.” The word “but” puts people on the defense in certain situations and they stop listening…they’re already forming a defense to the “but.”
Post # 14
What if it’s just a place holder? Since you guys have never talked about it maybe he was clueless as to what you wanted but didnt want to propose empty handed?! Keep us updated 🙂
Post # 15
I wouldn’t say .32 is ’embarrassingly small’ perhaps be a bit more grateful?