Post # 1
I’m new to this site, and this topic may have already been discussed. If so please direct me to the right place!
My boyfriend and I bought a house and we are moving in together in May. He had been saving to buy me a ring and propose, but we needed some extra money for the down payment and I told him to use the ring money (there will be time to get engaged later i thought). I will be going to nursing school in the fall for a year and we had talked about having the wedding after i graduate, in 2010 sometime.
ALL WAS WELL UNTIL… i forgot to take a few birth control pills and now i’m 7 weeks pregnant. I’m due Oct. 30. We are keeping the baby (since we wanted to have kids together eventually and now we’re just going a little out of order). Right now i’m covered under my health insurance at work, but if I want to quit my job and go to nursing school in the fall as planned, we will need to have a civil marriage so I can be on his insurance. His company does allow domestic partners to be on the employees health insurance, but you have to prove you have lived together for a year already, which we won’t have. Plus if we get married I would qualify for in state tuition at the university i’m going to (which would be great because right now i don’t!). However, having a baby may force me to only start part-time in the fall, or wait until January to start school.
My mother thinks I should have a small wedding this summer before the baby is born and just get it over with. But I, being the girly girl I am, have all these wonderful plans and ideas for a huge wedding. I even have my dress picked out that I want, and it does not have room for a pregnant belly. Plus I want to save all the money we have right now for the baby, and not worry about planning a wedding. In the end, I just don’t want to compromise my dream wedding!
Would it be innapropriate to have a civil marriage/justice of the peace this summer, and then have a big wedding bash in a few years? Are you not supposed to have a big wedding if you’ve already had a child? I was thinking I would not change my last name until the big wedding, and not have a religious ceremony until them (if any religion still wants me hehe) to make it special.
Post # 3
Oh honey… you can do whatever you want. I know a gal who got married by the jp 7 years ago this August and for their seven year anniversory are having the wedding of their dreams! Everyone is happy to be apart.
Post # 4
If I were in your shoes I think I’d have a sweet backyard wedding- still being very girlie – with cupcakes and lemonade and maybe white and pink paper lantern-ey things. Still girlie but small scale- and easy casual.
on your anniversay, whether it be your 1st, 5th or 10th- throw a big wedding and call it vow renewal. And of course you can have a baby and still have a dream wedding- its your wedding and if some poo-poos that idea, then dont invite them to your wedding
Post # 5
First – congrats on the baby!!
I think you should just JOP it then go out to dinner with your family…then a few years down the road have the wedding of your dreams..that is what I would do..
Post # 6
I agree with beesknees- do something small with just a few people now, and then have a big vow renewal later, if you want. Having a "wedding" several years later would be very strange, especially since I’m guessing the people there would know that you guys have been married, but a vow renewal would be awesome. And congrats on the coming baby! =)
Post # 7
I may be in the minority, but I just think that basically you get one wedding per marriage. So yes, I hate to say it, but I think in this case it’s inappropriate. Sure, there are extreme situations in which you could theoretically have a second wedding without it being strange, but I don’t think that wanting to qualify for in-state tuition and health insurance benefits is one of them. Just my two cents. (btw, having a child does not preclude a big wedding, in my opinion) I think you should have a small, elegant wedding now, enjoy it, and maybe in five years you can have a big anniversary party (without the vows, and unfortunately, without the dream wedding dress… sorry) If the big wedding is that important to you, then don’t get married now. Suck it up and pay the tuition and health insurance (live together so you can reach that one-year mark for domestic partnership ASAP), and plan your big day to your heart’s content! Good luck! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Edited to clarify: If you genuinely are not going to hold yourselves out as married to anyone but the insurance people after the JOP wedding, and won’t think of yourselves as "really married," then I have less of an objection to a "real wedding." My problem is with holding yourselves out as married to friends and family, and then having a do-over because you wanted a bigger party. I still think it would be more appropriate to choose one or the other, though.
Post # 8
I believe everything happens for a reason and I’m so happy to hear that you have such a great set of head on your shoulders! The baby is a blessing in disguise, it may be hard to see it right now in the midst of all your plans, but once he/she smiles at you, that’s all you need to know you’ve done the right thing!
As for the order of things….who’s to say what is right and what is wrong?! I say, have a small ceremony, say just your parents/siblings and his parents/siblings, have the baby, go to school to pursue your dream even if it just part time and then a year or two from now, you can have the wedding you’ve always wanted, complete with dress, flowers and maybe even a ringbearer/flowergirl pushed down the aisle!
I believe the most important thing for now is to stay healthy, know your priorities and don’t let the idea of "society traditions" get in the way of doing what works best for the both of you! Congrats to you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend and best of luck with your newest addition!
Post # 9
CONGRATS ON THE BABY!!
I don’t think that’s inappropriate at all. We actually went to city hall last year to get married legally and we aren’t having our wedding reception for family and friends until this year. We only invited one friend to serve as our witness at city hall. So some of our friends consider us married while others do not.
So yes, I think you can get married legally (just don’t have a huge celebration), have the baby, go to nursing school and then years later have your dream wedding (insert huge celebration here). =)
Post # 10
MissBlueBear nailed it, I agree with her. It’s entirely up to you, and it makes complete sense to have a civil ceremony to take advantage of the insurance benefits and tuition break.
It sounds like you two are committed to each other since you’ve bought a house, and had made many long-term plans. You just have to adjust now.
I think the few posters at the beginning assumed you’d be telling everyone about the civil marriage. It’s entirely up to you on who you want to tell, btu I don’t find it objectionable at all to keep it discreet, then do your big official wedding later. Good luck!
Post # 11
I also think that a small wedding now is probably the right thing. You can have a little ceremony with friends and family, maybe a backyard celebration and a cake-and-punch reception – it doesn’t have to be just a run to the courthouse. In a few years you can renew your vows and have a big reception, if you still want that. I would not call your future part a wedding if you are already married – but people certainly throw nice anniversary parties and invite friends and family to witness renewal of their vows. And I say "if you still want that" because my experience is that your priorities change a lot once you have a child. It may be more important to you in a few years to pay off a house or put money in a college fund than throw a big party. I suppose that is why I think its really important to have at least a small wedding now, so that if it doesn’t work out for you to have your bigger celebration down the road, you don’t feel like you never got anything.
Post # 12
I agree with Tanya.
My brother married his wife last year in a small non-demoninational ceremony – just him, his wife, his best friend, her best friend, my parents and me & my fiance.
They got married so that she could live in Canada with him (she is from the US) They then planned to have a big wedding on their one year anniversary.
I was not for that idea. The distance between their houses was only a half an hour (her in Detroit, him in Windsor, ON, Canada). They did not need to get married the first time. They should have either just waited to live together and had their one wedding. (No, I’m not opposed to living together before marriage – my fiance and I live together).
I just feel like the second wedding is sort of a present/ money grab… that’s just my opinion…
Post # 13
Congratulations! I know it’s not the order you planned things in, but sometimes life hands us surprises and they can be fantastic, too. =)
As for the big wedding in a few years. I would never do it. And if I were a friend of yours and received an invitation to such a thing, I would think it was stupid. But (unless asked) I would keep my mouth shut and go and have a great time. The glorious thing about free will is that we can do what we want and who cares what anyone else thinks! Know that there are going to be people–maybe your parents, maybe your friends, maybe your inlaws–who aren’t really into it and think it’s a waste of time & money. But if you know that going into the process and want to do it anyway, then go ahead & have a wonderful time doing it.
Post # 14
I have to say that babies are wonderful and magical creatures of enchantment that tend to suck up most your available time, money, and energy. My future SIL ‘eloped’ at the courthouse with her Canadian husband and planned to throw a big bash once they had saved up some money. A little less than a year later they are parents with different priorities and ways to spend their money.
I would say if you will alway regret not wearing that dress and having a party do it now. Plan it in a month so you’re not quite showing, and you wont have much time obsess over the details and spend cash you don’t have and have a wonderful backyard blowout which while may not be your big plan will still be an event you will remember and appreciate. Then years later if you still want the elaborate party do a vow renewal.
Post # 15
To piggyback off of what vyeta7 said, my cousin had the dress of her dream in the wedding she wanted when she was three months pregnant. It’s possible, it just takes some smart planning (read: good time management because you’re so sleepy in the first trimester).
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks
First – congrats!! That’s so exciting!!!
Second, almost the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine (they were just barely engaged, but hadn’t yet started planning a wedding when they found out they were pregnant.) They decided to put the wedding on hold until after the baby was born…until she was a little older…until she’s a little MORE older…until after they have a second baby…and I’m sure they’ll want HIM to get older too…etc.
So I agree, if having a "wedding" is important to you, I would rush and throw SOMETHING together now!! Then throw a big anniversary bash later if you want. But I would try to do as much weddingy stuff as possible now, since there will always be reasons to put it off "just a little more" so you might not get a real chance later.
Also, I agree that having a baby doesn’t mean you CAN’T have a big blowout wedding, but if you’re already legally married aaand have a baby…it does seem a little redundant. But if you keep the courthouse wedding essentially private and don’t refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" then I would see no problem having the real wedding party after you technically made it legal.