(Closed) Ack- friends with the groom to be…and his ex-gf!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@lofi:  Unfortunately it isn’t your place to tell his ex that he will be getting engaged. As bad as it sounds I’m not sure she needs to know ahead of time. My dh had an ex who stopped talking to him temporarily because he didnt tell her he was going to propose and permanently because she wasn’t invited to the wedding and it comes off as creepy and not over the relationship. I get this is different in a way but in my opinion that one you have to leave alone and he should be allowed to shout it from the rooftops if he wants, I don’t think thats him being insensitive but merely looking at her as an ex.

On the second question, I’d chat to the ex about it if they ask after they are engaged.

I understand you are trying to protect her, but in all fairness they are broken up and he has a right to continue his current relationship without having to worry about her. She will find her someone and then she deserves the right to be just as happy about it as he is right now

Post # 4
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@lofi:  Well of course he doesn’t care that shouting it from the rooftops would hurt his ex. She’s his ex. And she dumped him, it sounds like. If my Fiance wanted to “keep our engagement on the DL” to save his ex’s feelings, I would seriously reconsider the promise I’d made. 

I know you want to be considerate of the girl, but it is REALLY not your place to “warn” her. It won’t make her feel any better. She’ll have to deal with the news eventually and she will hopefully be adult about it. 

Whether you are involved in the wedding or not is up to you. Again, hopefully the ex is ready to be mature and understand that you are friends with both of them. You would support her wedding the same way you’d support his. If the whole situation makes you feel too uncomfortable, graciously decline to be involved and say you are looking forward to celebrating with them on the big day but can’t help/be in the wedding party. 

Post # 5
181 posts
Blushing bee

Just because he didnt want those things with your friend, doesnt mean he doesnt want them at all. Or maybe he just wasnt seeing it at all when he was with her.

A. No, dont “warn” her about the coming engagement. If you inform her of it it will kinda seem like youre creating drama. If she does happen to ask if you knew about it, then tell her the truth and say yeah I had an idea but I didnt tell you because youve moved on and Im sure you dont want people updating you about his life.

B. You are his friend and if they are asking you to be involved, be involved. If your friend, the ex, has weirdness about it, thats all on her.

The best way you can respect both friends and the soon to be new fiance is just do what is comfortable to you and if the ex does ask question, answer them. If she really moved on, I doubt she will ask anything.

Post # 7
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lofi:  Just be there for her when she does find out. Its not your position to update her on his life. Plus its probably better that she learns to associate you with you, not you who has news about her ex. 

Like was said above, he should want to shout his engagement to the rooftops. If my husband was worried about showing off our engagement to protect an ex’s feelings, I would begin to seriously doubt their commitment to me. 

Post # 8
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@lofi:  🙂 Don’t stress about this too much, sure it might hurt her a bit if she hasn’t completely moved on and thats ok. They clearly weren’t meant to be together and when her time comes you can celebrate with her as well

Post # 9
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Warning her or not is up to you and how close you truly are.

If she was my BFF, I’d certainly have little or no allegiance to the Guy.  But it sounds from the way you described things (he’s one of my best friends) that you are actually closer to Him than Her… so ya I’d stay out of it.  Not convey the information about the Engagement.

(Then again, this wouldn’t be true of me… because my allegiances always seem to be greater to women than men in such situations… I am always sooo symptathetic to women and how we view life and love… sounds like this poor girl could use a good friend on her side)

As for the rest…

Well, I’d personally stay out of the Wedding Planning stuff as well.

I’d be happy for the Guy & his New Fiancée but if I still had ties to his Ex (and more so cause you say you aren’t that thrilled with some of the things he’s done lately) I sure as heck wouldn’t stand up for this couple publicly in any way if I was asked.  Standing up… especially so as say a member of the Bridal Party is a BIG Deal… means that you “support” the marriage, and would defend the couple etc.

So if asked I’d just say “Sorry, I just don’t feel I can do that.  I really am not your best choice.  As I was close to ABC when you guys were together…  So altho I am happy for your Engagement / Marriage, I just cannot pretend that ABC doesn’t still exist in my life as a friend too”

— — —

This guy is a classic case that can be found in Greg Behrendt’s Book “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Many women date men for eons wondering when they’ll ever Propose.  And one day they come to the realization that they won’t and they leave.  Truly believeing that the guy isn’t The Marrying Type

When in reality… the guy was just comfy in the relationship he had… just not head over heels in love.

So it wasn’t that he wasn’t The Marrying Type… he just wasn’t The Marrying Type To Her

Sad but true

He isn’t the first guy, who ended up like 5 Minutes later proposing to someone else.

This poor girl, she could very well be devastated by the news when she hears it, especially so if she really and truly loved him… and still has feelings for him in that way.

It sucks.

Ya, if I were you… I might not deliver the news to her… but I’d certainly be there for her when she hears it and needs a friend to lean on.  Cause those types of Friends are the best friends.

Hope this helps,


Post # 10
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think I would tell her. Not only to soften the blow, but so that she doesn’t realise you knew and didn’t tell her. It doesn’t have to be a big reveal, but a gentle hint, like, I think MrEx and NewGf are moving towards marriage and I just thought I’d prepare you for that.

Also, I think if you’re concerned enough about your role in their potential wedding – which I’d imagine you are given the question – it might be a good idea to sit her down after she’s gother head around the idea, and ask her if your participation would affect her. You might find that she totally doesn’t mind – especially after showing some loyalty by looking out for her during the proposal storm. 

Post # 11
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lofi:  If you are certain he’s going to propose, I’d lean to telling her. She might as well hear it from you rather than him (or Facebook). Even if it’s “I think Bob is going to propose soon”.

I don’t see the harm in helping with his wedding. Unless you sign on as full time wedding planner, the ex doesn’t even need to know.

Post # 12
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lofi:  What a terrible situation to be in! I’m the type that always tries to put myself in others’ shoes to gauge how I’d feel. While I understand his ex is going to be obviously hurt by the news, she must know he’s moved on. Which means he will eventually get married one day. 

As for your very best friend and his new Girlfriend, I feel that it’s their news to share. What if the ex has a breakdown and spills the beans before he’s even proposed? I don’t think that’s fair to either of them. 

You “could” mention to his ex that they are starting to get serious and you think that an engagement is inevitable. However, I do wonder if she’s really moved on if she’s asking about his new relationship. 

I can relate as DH’s ex took forever to move on. He told her he’d never marry her but she was “waiting it out” and once we got together, she did try to get info from his friends/family about us. Honestly, it made me feel really icky that she wanted to know all about me. AND to know that others were talking about our relationship so much.

Post # 13
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I wouldn’t tell your friend, until it’s out in the open, because it isn’t really your news to tell. However, I would definitely plan on giving her some extra special friend attention in the future, whether that means spending time with her so she doesn’t feel alone, or doing something special for her that lets her know you care while giving her space if she needs it. As for being involved in the wedding, if you don’t know the bride, you probably won’t be too involved. I think attending the wedding shows an appropriate amount of support. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be super involved in anyone’s wedding unless I knew the couple well as a couple. 

Post # 14
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lofi:  It sounds like it was definitely tough for her. How sad. 🙁 I think other people have covered why you should keep the news under wraps, so I’ll focus more on the second part.

I would say that you can be friends with his ex and still support his marriage at the same time, so being involved with the wedding shouldn’t be a problem on your end. I would say though, keep your involvement to yourself, and don’t share it with her unless it comes up somehow.

Their past is their past, it’s not your responsibility to choose sides. If his ex were to feel that your involvement is disloyal to her, that would be her issue to deal with. With the way that you describe her, I have a feeling that, while she might be hurt, she wouldn’t say anything negative to you about it. And honestly, she’d likely be hurt either way, with or without your involvement. The best thing you can do is to just not bring it up.

Post # 15
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know my DH’s friend was in this situation because she has known Darling Husband and his ex for a really long time, Darling Husband was with his ex eight years but he never proposed and it wasn’t meant to be, however DH’s friend told me that his ex didnt know what she had lost till they had broken up (I’d rather have not been told this) but she is super protective of his ex and always will be and at one point it made me feel that I didn’t belong in the “group of friends” he has and I was made to feel that we had to pussyfoot around her to not upset her, yet she is also the kind of person to wish us well and move on and not say anything. Also the friend (who I do like) was interfering in that she kept telling Darling Husband to invite his ex and when he didn’t she said he had to explain to her why he didn’t invite her, which he didn’t because why should he! It’s non of her business what we do and his friend I feel was just trying to cause drama. Anyway she came to our wedding and her bf was our best man and I would like to get to know her better. I just feel she was trying to play piggy in the middle which was causing more issue than if she had just kept her nose out and acted normally with DH’s ex and us. 

Im not suggesting you are interfering like the friend I have spoken about but I’m trying to get across that it really isn’t the ex girlfriends right to know in advance or even have to know and being the new girl I was made to feel uncomfortable for having done nothing wrong but fall in love so think about how the new gf feels too.  They have broken up and it should be her ex to tell her if he wishes to do so. You can be involved in the wedding because again I know she is your dear friend but it’s nothing to do with her. You don’t need to be in the middle of anything. Also if your friends new gf is nice get to know her too so she doesn’t feel awkward about things. 

Post # 16
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i’d stay out of it and wouldn’t say anything to the ex gf.  it’s not your place to “warn” her.  you are all adults, i’m sure the news might sting a bit for her but she’ll get by.

it’s hard to sometimes remain friends with “both sides” after a break up but just remain impartial but still supportive, understanding and respectful to both.

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