Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
Hey Bee’s, hoping you can help!
For background information, I have this acquaintance, lets call her Marie, that I have known for the past year. We met through work, and have spent time together outside of work, 3 coffee dates to be exact. A while back she moved to a new office in a different position, and since then we only speak when she texts me for job or career advice.
She is a really nice girl, but I had never thought of inviting her to my wedding. I really do not know Marie very well and she has not made any impact on my life or my relationship. She has only met my fiance once!
As well, with my guest list balloon-ing (due to my Future Mother-In-Law, but that is another story) to over 170, it just never occured to me to include her. In fact, there are a number of other people that are not currently on my guest list that I would prefer to invite before her!
So here is the issue I am having. This morning she sends me a text, asking when my wedding date is as she wants to put it in her calender. Because, and I quote, “I’m assuming I’m invited :p“.
I know this is a total faux pas on her part as far as ettiquette is concerned, but how do I tell her she is not on my guest list, nor will she be?! WHAT DO I DO?! At this point I have not sent out Save the dates or wedding invitations, since my wedding is not until August 2019.
Any advice or assistance would be appreciated! TIA!
Post # 2
I would be vauge in your response. Say something like we are thinking summer 2019 but nothing set yet (you haven’t sent out save the dates so it isn’t a lie)
You can drop into conversation about issues with guest lists and running out of space so she gets to hear that she might not be invited, but totally b list her.
If you get some declines and she can attend then by all means invite her.
Post # 3
I disagree with pp. telling her some time next summer leaves the door open and she’ll still think she’s invited and probably be more hurt to find out she’s not. My suggestion is to be upfront and honest. I would probably say something like “I’m sorry that you assumed you were invited but as of now you’re not on the guest list. It’s nothing personal, we’re prioritizing people that we are both close to” hopefully it will discourage her from asking someone for an invite like that again because…yikes.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
peekaboobs : Woudl it be a little, I;m having trouble finding the correct word to use, rude? uncouth? of me to just flat out say “you’re not invited”?
Thats my concern, I dont want to be rude, but I really have no plan at this point in time to invite her. Plus I know she would likely demand a plus one, since she has a boyfriend she doesnt go anywhere without.
UGH. WHY CANT PEOPLE FOLLOW PROPER ETTIQUETTE!?!?!!!!!!!
Post # 5
I would phrase it as something like, “I would love to have all of my friends and family there, however, due to our budget we had to limit our guest list. I hope you can understand!”
And maybe invite her out for a cup of coffee to catch up?
Sorry you have to deal with this. That was not very cool on her part.
Post # 6
Agree with pp. Their wording sounds great.
Post # 7
gunnabamissus : it might come off cold but that depends on your relationship and personalities. It would probably sound better in person if you’d be down to do the coffee date and explain it to her.
Post # 8
gunnabamissus : TulipDaezy has a great response and best of all, it’s true! For my wedding, at $100/pp only close friends could be invited. If money wasn’t a concern, I’d invite all 50 of my coworkers! Everyone should understand when the guest list is limited due to budgets. Weddings aren’t cheap!
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
gunnabamissus : “It’s so thoughtful of you to ask Marie! Unfortunately, we have some limitations on the guest list and can’t include everyone. I’m sure you understand!”
If she’s offended, it’s her own fault. She shouldn’t have assumed. She put you in an awkward position and frankly, this was probably her way of trying to shame you into an invite. Most people know STds go out in plenty of time to allow people to… you know Save the Date. She didn’t need to ask, and probably did it because she wanted to make it clear she WANTED to come, not so much because she knew she was invited.
Post # 10
I think no matter how nicely you word it, she’s going to be hurt, and since she was rude enough to try to railroad you into extending an invitation, I suspect she’ll be rude enough to tell you she’s hurt and offended. I am not saying this so you invite her, I just think you have to brace yourself for some hostility coming from her, no matter how gently you couch it.
But, you can’t please everyone. It was extremely presumptious of her to even think that someone who she had coffee with three times would invite her to a wedding. And it was really rude to fish for an invitation.
Sounds like she views you as a professional resource mostly. If she gets mad, maybe not the biggest loss.
Post # 11
I’d just tell her “we’re struggling with capacity so we’re trying to keep it just to our closest friends and family”.
Post # 12
You can turn her down without being rude, but undoubtedly I am sure she will be disappointed either way. Is just be honest and explain that unfortunately you have had to limit the guest list and aren’t able to invite her. If you make up an excuse and she finds out the truth after it will only make things more uncomfortable and if you are anything like me you’ll be worried about that too.
I have had to do the same with work colleagues and they all understand the costs involved with wedding planning and that this is something that happens.
Post # 13
“I’m so sorry, but for budgeting reasons (or venue capacity reasons), we have to limit the guest list. I hope you understand.”
Don’t worry about being rude or uncouth. She has behaved incredibly badly to put you in this spot.
Post # 14
gunnabamissus : how about something like this: “Hi, we would have loved to invite you to our wedding but at this point of time, our plan is to invite only families and very close family friends due to the limit of our budget and space. Really sorry about it. I’m sure you can understand that wedding is not just about me but it’s a whole family kind of affairs that come with its challenges, right? But we should definitely have a post-wedding dinner/coffee (whichever you’re comfy with) to catch-up.”?
Post # 15
eurasianbee : Mentioning money in this situation is crass. You don’t have a party, then talk about how much it is costing, being a point in inviting people. Talking about money is low class.
This goes for many situations. I would be insulted if someone insinuated my presence isn’t worth the money I would cost for them to have me. That isn’t even the reason why the OP isn’t inviting Marie.
Mentioning venue space, maybe, but money, never.