(Closed) Acting bitter, resentful, and lashing out to BF because of it :(

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4160 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Have you guys ever talked about the possibility of getting married?  If you’ve only been hinting at it and not necessarily having a convo with him about your future plans, maybe he’s feeling pressured.  Not to mention, age shouldn’t be a huge factor, it’s whenever the couple (both people!) are ready. 

I think you need to sit down and talk to him, and just ask him if marriage with you is in his future plans.  If so, wait it out.  If not, maybe you need to move on…

Post # 4
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have any advice for you, hopefully the other bees do, but I can sympathize with you!

It seems that every week another one of my friends is engaged. I am happy for them, but also jealous that my time has not come yet. Especially since yes, we have been together longer than any couple I know. I do tend to take it out my SO sometimes and he usually cannot understand why I am so moody.

I find that having an open conversation with him (when I’m calmer and not banging dishes) really helps both of us. I tell him my fears about my future and my readiness to commit myself to a lifelong relationship with him. We have had talks where I have said… If you are not ready for this committment it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or you don’t love me, it just means we’re on different paths. This has worked for both of us in the past and has showed him that I’m not going to wait forever to start a life with him. Maybe it is time you two had that kind of talk.

But… FYI, dating an older guy doesn’t speed up the process at all! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m 24 and my guy is 28. We’ve been together for FIVE YEARS and I’m still waitin’!

Post # 5
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@maggierose:

 

This is my first post on here after sliently reading posts for some time, so I’d like to say hi to the board and thank everyone in advance for letting me be a part of this online community!

Anyhow, OP, I am totally in the same boat as you. I’m getting so frustrated about waiting, that i am getting mad at my SO about everything, no matter how minor it is. I just can’t help myself and don’t know how to stop myself. It’s bad because I know it cannot help our relationship in the meantime and may even postpone him asking. We have had serious talks (that perhaps weren’t as serious as I had hoped) and I drop hints whenever I can.

I can’t offer you any advice, but I can totally sympathize with what you are going through. I’ll be tuning into this thread to see what others have to say.

Fingers crossed for the both of us that we will get through this!

Take care,

d

Post # 6
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hey Ladies, I was totally in your shoes when dating my husband. He is my exact same age, our birthdays are two weeks apart and my Darling Husband was no exception to the rule that guys take longer to ‘mature’ than girls. AKA getting married. We had been dating for about 6 months when I originally brought up the subject and every time he got so angry, he didn’t want to talk about it.

I can’t tell you waht to do, but I can say what I did in that situation. I loved my SO (now DH) and knew he was the one. But honestly that ‘monster’ you described was so powerful inside of me, I knew I couldn’t go on much longer without at least a timeline. Especially once he started talking about moving in together, but still got angry when the subject of getting engaged was brought up. So I looked deep into myself and had an honest conversation about what was most important to me.

This is what I realized: I could NOT be in a healthy relationship with Boyfriend or Best Friend any longer if we didn’t have a timeline. I couldn’t ever think about anything else. Of course, it didn’t help that everyone kept asking ME and not him when we were getting engaged, but it’s not anyone’s fault. I just knew that my goal was marriage and if he was unsure enough to not give me a timeline after dating for 1 year and moving in together, I couldn’t go on. I knew I would be able to leave him if he was still too stubborn/unwilling to have that talk. It wouldn’t be easy, but I was so passionate about this issue I knew it was possible. So we did set a timeline and long story short he stuck to it. He thanked me back then for pushing him and he still thanks me for it, (he just did again yesterday!). The truth is, we always had such a wonderful relationship that has blossomed into a fabulous marriage, our lives have improved more than I can express here ever since we got engaged.

Sorry for the rambling response, I’m just hoping that my approach can help inspire others to look inside themselves and ask waht is most important. If you’ve only been dating a short time (like a couple months) then you might need to calm down a little. But for us, we were in our late 20’s and had known each other for 6 years and been dating for 1.5. I was ready!

Post # 7
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  Hi,

  I can completely understand your post because I have been going through something similar (mine has been brought on by a miscommunication issue, but it’s much better). I hate logging onto Facebook and seeing someone posting anything wedding-related. I hate feeling that way. I know it is nothing against them, it’s my own situation that is bothering me. I have found myself getting snarky with my SO as well. I’ll try to pick a fight over something small or say something that will get him upset. Real mature of me, I know :-). It’s like a part of me wants to make him feel bad because I feel bad that we’re not at the engagement/wedding stage yet.

  Have you talked to your SO about where you guys see things headed? I don’t like using the word “timeline”. However, I know that I make personal and professional goals at different intervals. I think it’s important that my SO and I talk about them. What if you would bring it up like that to your SO? Say that, “You know, I’ve been thinking about goals that I have, personally and professionally, and I want us to talk about things we see going for ourselves in the future. We don’t have to talk about it tonight, but it is a conversation that I would like to have soon.” It is a big conversation, and he may need some time to think about things. I would also give yourself a few days to cool down, as well. I did this with my SO, and we got some really good things worked out. It was nice to see where we saw ourselves headed.

  I hope this helps!

 

 

Post # 9
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve had the same problem. I don’t get upset and yell at the Boyfriend or Best Friend though. I just cry uncontrollably a LOT. I tell myself after I’m done crying: “Well who wouldn’t want to marry a girlfriend that cries once a week for ‘no reason'”. I think it makes me look just as crazy as yelling or throwing things. 

We’ve been together more than 6 years now, and we are the same age. I was ready about 2 years ago, he obviously wasn’t. I held myself together for a year without saying anything, but in the mean time everyone we know got married. Couples that have dated 1/6 the amount of time we have are engaged. People who met after us are on their first or SECOND child. In the last year I’ve been a basket case. We’ve had a couple talks none of them helpful. (He clams up whenever we talk about anything emotional–like most guys I assume.)

Finally I took time this weekend during the day, in public, and when I was NOT already emotionally worked up and talked to him. Every other attempted talk was at night, usually late, sometimes on a week night AFTER I had already worked up a full head of emotional steam. I explained how I felt like I had been a basket case for a year and I thought it was negatively affecting our relationship. I told him why I thought this was happening. In my case because he has honestly given me no hope that he has even considered a future together. (He loves me, and he’s committed to me, but he has NEVER done the “When we get married” or “in the future” or “when we get a house” type stuff and it makes me think he doesn’t consider a future together a possibility.)

He explained that he does think about a future together even if he doesn’t say it out loud, and that for the first time in his life he’s comfortable thinking about that. 

I know it probably doesn’t sound like much to most of you guys but believe me–from my guy this is saying a lot. It was just what I needed to hear from him to go on waiting a little more rationally and for the first time in MONTHS I’m not feeling bad about our relationship. We had a great weekend together and it really helped my state of mind.

I suggest taking a totally neutral time to talk to your guy and explain what you’re feeling and how he could help make you feel better about waiting. Whether that’s a timeline, or just him being aware of how hard it is on you and being sensitive to that.

(Well that turned into an epic novel–sorry for hijacking!)

Post # 10
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

^^

Arrgghh. This sounds like my life right now, not exactly the same living situation, but all the talk of marriage in abstracts, life like a a married couple, but never really giving me a sign that a proposal is coming. It makes me so sad and angry.

Post # 11
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You are certainly not alone in how you feel, if it makes you feel better. There are many times in a relationship when one person is ready to take the next step when the other one isnt. Getting engaged, buying a house, having a baby are all big life decisions that a lot of couples dont feel ready to do at the exact same time. This is incredibly stressful and can cause alot of anguish.

Us ladies already know that in relationships, we can’t make the other person do anything they don’t want to. However, what we CAN control is our own lives and our own feelings. What you can do to help your situation is to start investing in yourself and in your friendships. If you haven’t already read Mr. Bee’s post on his three step process to getting engaged, thats a great place to start.

In the meantime, it might be time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend on what your goals are. If he doesnt see himself getting married for another 5 or 10 years, and you can’t possibly wait that long, then I’m not sure he is the right person for you. I know its a really difficult decision to make, but many couples are not on the same path and just arn’t the right match for each other. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@maggierose: I think you are taking all the right steps!  You guys have talked about it, he is thinking about it and you just have to try your best to maintain sanity while waiting. 

My husband and I were in the same boat.  After dating almost 3 years I told him that in 6 months I am buying a house.  If we are engaged at that point, I will look for/buy a single family home because we will be getting married and thinking about kids whatever.  However, if we aren’t engaged in 6 months, I am buying a single person home (aka condo/townhouse) because obvisouly marriage and families isn’t in the near future.  I was fairly certain that if we got to this point that I would also be moving into that house alone.  I didn’t have an ultematum that we would break up or whatever, but just that at that point, I would have to take inventory of my life and where my life was headed.  Obviously the story ends well because we are now married!

Be clear about what your timeline is and don’t be afraid to let him know when you may have to make key decisions about where your future is headed.  Either you have a ring or you move home.  Again, not saying you break up or whatever, but a time to step apart, do what is good for you as an individual and see where things head over time. 

Post # 13
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Also, my husband always says that getting married isn’t just something that guys think about all the time.  They kinda need someone there to remind them that thats the goal they are working towards.  However, you have to do this gently and in a manner that you don’t look crazy.  Find gentle ways to remind him about where you are in your life and how you hope marriage will fit into that. 

Post # 14
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

There are so many of us in this boat that I think we might as well charter a cruise ship and throw a party!

Maggierose, I am sooo there with you right now. I flipped at my Boyfriend or Best Friend this weekend too. And I mean flipped – threw my sunglasses and keys across the room, did the ugly can’t stop cry, the whole nine yards. He said that the only thing holding him back from proposing was the ring. I have told him what feels like countless times that I. Don’t. Care. He could propose with a ring from a gumball machine and I’d be thrilled. If he wants to finance it, he’s got amazing credit. If he wants to pay cash, then why is he constantly buying all the little toys that computer geeks so desperately “need”? Bottom line – I felt like I’m just not worth it to him.

Honestly, I think you’ve got a very smooth exit plan in place since your company needs you in a certain locale. I know this hurts (since I’m considering roughly the same alternative!) but I’d be thinking about moving back at the end of the year. It’s really hard to give advice via a public forum and we can’t possibly know all the variables at play, but I truly wish you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend the best!

Post # 15
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Whenever I would talk about engagement, marriage, or moving in together my SO would get so uncomfortable and the conversation would turn into an argument. This went on for about a year. Now he’s getting more into it. He told me that he just doesn’t like to talk about it, but he does think about it often. Also, he’s the type of guy who lives one day at a time, which is good, but not when you want to make plans for the future. He needs a reminder every so often. I think this is just how most guys are. They need some time to warm up.

My SO was also really fuzzy about timelines, so I asked him to be more specific. The timeline he gave me was, obviously, not what I had in mind. And this type of mis-alignment WILL happen many times in a relationship or marriage. But it’s all about compromising and coming up with something that works for BOTH people. If he is not willing to do that, then he’s just not ready. I simply told my SO (in a nice way) that I have future plans that I would like to get to (buying a condo, traveling more, etc) and if he doesn’t want to be a part of that, so be it, but I will move forward. This made him realize that I wasn’t going to hang around forever.

Anyways, I would suggest that you FIRST try to follow Mr.Bee’s three-step plan. Really invest in yourself. Why? It will make you feel better and will also make him see you differently. Then, plant that seed and let him know (calmly) what your timeline and intentions are. Really stand up for yourself. If there’s no agreement whatsoever, then you need to let him know that it won’t work. If there’s agreement, YOU need to try your hardest to be patient, not bring up the subject, and join the “fun” of waiting. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 @maggierose: I’m so sorry hon! We all feel your pain and can relate, and many of us (myself included) have been a bit bitchy to our guys in an emotional moment.

I know you may have to move back after a year, but when do you need to have made that decision? I’m guessing a bit less than a year, so arrangements can be made with work.  You’re smart not to give up the job for a boyfriend.

And also, when you look inside yourself, how long are you really willing to wait? Having a calm, rational conversation (no hinting or angry outbursts) and finding out if you’re on the same page can definitely help. But I would suggest that you look inside yourself and ask how long you can wait, and how much longer you’re willing to endure of this *misery* of not knowing/not having your timelines match up and crying all the time.

@moderndaisy: “This is what I realized: I could NOT be in a healthy relationship with Boyfriend or Best Friend any longer if we didn’t have a timeline”

I feel you on that one!  I to think it’s essential that you’re on the same page with timelines.  Otherwise the relationship can disintegrate into resentment and bickering. 

If he’s really saying 3-5 years it sounds like you can’t wait that long.

@keepsmiling19: I agree also with your advice that it’s a big convereation, wait a bit until you’ve cooled down.  Get clear about how you feel and what you want, and what you’re willing/unwilling to do.

By The Way here’s what I did: I had some conversations with SO last month about this subject. The first time was pretty ackward and I didn’t hear what I wanted. But I thought about it, we talked again and found out we were much more on the same page than I thought from our original discussion. Also, having more than one conversation about it, I could really see the progress from the first time we talked. He even said it was less uncomfortable becuase he HAD started seriously thinking about it since our first talk.  And he said he couldn’t work with my timeline so I asked for his. And it was reasonably soon, he said 2-4 months to figure it out. And I know my guy, I don’t think it was all talk or him trying to put it off. I do genuinely think he’s doing the work on “his end” to wrap his brain around the concept of moving to the next stage in his life, fear of the permanent, and other things he has going on with regard to marriage.  Any concerns he had about *me* we worked through. So it helps to know it’s not ME, although to be fair it didn’t sound like it the first time we talked. So my advice is to be prepared that it might be sticky the first or second time you talk.  Also, really try to listen to what he has to say. By the time we talked about it, I was so nervous and had been resentful for a little while, and although I thought I understood and was listening, later I couldn’t even remember what he said I had been so full of nerves.  So I had him tell me again. I just let him know that I realize I wasn’t fully listening the first time becuase I was nervous ๐Ÿ™‚

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