- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I feel really bad right now. I know I need to try to contain this feelings and that the last thing I should do is take it out on my boyfriend but it’s like a monster I can’t control. We’ve been fighting like every day the last week. The other night we went out with some friends of his who mentioned that a mutual friend of theirs, 23, is getting engaged to her 28-year-old boyfriend after only dating a year and a half.
I found myself making snarky comments to the effect of “well, that’s what happens when you date an older guy..” (I am 27 and bf is a year younger). To make matters worse, another friend of his was going on and on about how much he likes this one girl he hasn’t even officially started dating yet and how he really wants to get married and how he thinks he will be the first one of their group of friends to get married.
I brought up the friend’s engagement in the car yesterday to see if I could casually start a conversation about marriage. Boyfriend or Best Friend brushed it off and said, good for her, whatever…didn’t get into a conversation at all. I was feeling really mad and acted bitchy to him the rest of the night, in indirect ways. Yelling about what a mess the house was and banging stuff around while I cleaned, bitching about minor stuff….so boyfriend got all mad back. When I finally calmed down, I decided to explain to him while I was really mad so he didn’t think I was going crazy for no reason. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him, but aren’t we supposed to be open in relationships?
I told him I was upset that so-and-so was getting engaged, after being together with her boyfriend half the time we have been together, and being so young, and I said that her boyfriend must really love her to propose, and I wish I could make Boyfriend or Best Friend love me that much (something melodramatic to that effect). Boyfriend or Best Friend lost his sh!t and told me he is sick and tired of having a conversation about that issue.
I feel terrible. I know my bitter and resentful feelings are only pushing us apart and further away from getting engaged. But I feel like I can’t control it, especially when every time I turn around it feels like someone else I know is getting married. Also this weekend, two Facebook acquaintances posted their recent wedding photos. I think everything is just compounded. I don’t know how to stop these feelings. I feel so terrible, so sad, and I hate that I am making it worse by taking out on my bf but I just feel such a horrible feeling that I can’t push away or hide and it makes me act like a crazy psycho…. 🙁