(Closed) Adapting to moving in together

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Posting so I can remember to check in on this, as I am quite interested in what the responses will be.

Post # 4
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

The important things for us have been all the little things you never think of until you live with someone else.  So you can’t really plan for exactly what you’ll need to do, but you can plan to be flexible.  My fiance and I were getting snippy with each other at one point, about a year ago, and I said something brilliant…something like, “We each come from different families, with different things we think are normal to do.  But my normal is not your normal, so we can’t get mad at each other for what we think is not normal.  We need to learn to be okay with what happens differently.”  Something like that.  It definitely helped us think about living together differently.

Post # 5
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

@misspj3:  I moved in with my now Fiance about 5 years ago, during my sophomore year of college. We had been together for four years at that point. I thought I knew everything I could know about him at that point (as most people do).

Fact is, life is different when you live together. Even if you have spent the night at someone’s place multiple nights per week or spend every waking moment with each other. Now, it may not drastically change the course of your relationship, but you do have to “learn to live with each other” and learn to live/deal with each others habits/routines/preferences/etc.

Biggest thing for me was sharing a bathroom together. My Fiance shaves about twice a week and is not the best at cleaning up after himself. He also leaves his socks all over the house….sometimes in the most random places. I personally start my laundry, clean it and then leave it in a basket/pull from it rather than put it away right away. This bothers him because he washes, drys and neatly folds every piece of clothing, including his boxers and socks (kind of odd to me).

These are things we did not realize until we lived together even though I had stayed at his place many times. These are what my mom calls “comfort” behaviors or things you do in the comfort of your own home. Most people put on the best behavior when they are technically a guest at someone’s place….a lot of times, some things go out the window once you have been livnig together and are comfortable with each other.

Now, none of these things were deal breakers or OMG moments, but they did change the way we interacted with each other and took our relationship to do a different level. Also, sharing expenses/living costs create a situation where we had to learn to work together and compromise more. That is something some couples do not fully experience until they live together.

So, yes….some aspect of your relationship will change when you move in with someone. How you approach it and deal with it will determine how things go.

Post # 6
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This was something that I was kind of worried about.  We had such a perfect little bubble when we had our separate homes and dated, I did not want any stress coming between us!  I know he liked the dishwasher loaded a certain way, so I let him load his own dishwasher, etc.

 

Turns out the merge was effortless!  We each wanted to be a good partner for the other.  We each just stepped in with household chorse, I do not think we had one conversation about divvying the chores, it just happened mostly because the other does not sit and idle (like watch TV,etc.) while the other cleans, tidies.  We both chip in together.

 

The above poster makes a good point – my normal is differnet than your normal.  If I like to wash the electric skillet one way, my H likes to wash it a different way so he’ll say, “Use the sprayer thingy!”  I remind him that there are more than one ways to wash a skillet – so let me do it the way I do it and you can do it how you want!  This is not something that should end in a fight or pursuasion of the other, just accept the differences.

I think it’s funny how he chops onions (so slow and meticulous!), but I do not say anything about it and just be grateful he’s helping with the cooking.  The onions can be chopped more ways than one, and my way is not the only way!

So if you remember that, I think it will save some grief.  And just try to be a courteous house mate.  Clean up after yourself, etc.  If something does bug you, you can ask them do not do it (don’t blow up about it).  My H would leave hairs in the sink too.  I suggested using an old towel from the hamper to lay over the sink to catch the hairs, then shake it outside when he’s done.  He thought it was handy.

Post # 7
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think its really important to treat the move in a little bit as you would a random roommate.

What are the rules and expectations? 

Who will do what chores and how often because you may not have the same idea of how often they should be done in addition to how it is done. (IE you seperate whites, he doesnt or you think washing the kitchen floor must be done everynight, he has never washed the floor in his life)

Setting these items ahead of time can save a lot of arguments and frustration later. 

 

Post # 8
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I posted this a few months ago but it totally applies in a hilarious way:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/living_significant_other

We learned from living together that when we buy our own place it needs to have at least 2 bathrooms. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I went from being a never-married woman who lived alone in her own apartment — then house — for 23 years before marrying and forming a new household with my Darling Husband and taking on the new roles of wife, stepmom, and dog-owner. My entire life/world changed in so many, many ways, not only geographically but also procedurally and practically. New house, new people, new roles, new rules, etc. I’ve been married for more than three years, and I’ve settled in to a routine, but I still don’t really feel totally comfortable in my new home and new life in the same manner that I did when I lived alone and only had myself to consider. It really does change your life.

Post # 10
Member
4583 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I won’t lie, it was a difficult adjustment for me. But I went from living at home with my folks straight to living with Darling Husband (BF at the time). I’m really close with my mom so I hated going from seeing her every day to only once a week or less (I’m about half an hour away) and I knew it was really hard for her, which made me feel worse. I definitely cried a bit in the beginning and I got really lonely because I only work PT and I’m home a lot. I was used to always having someone around and then it was just me when my Boyfriend or Best Friend was at work.

Plus it’s a huge adjustment being in the same space all the time, getting used to each other’s quirks and unique ways of doing things.

It took time to get used to everything but eventually it all felt fine and normal. And we adopted a cat, which helped greatly with the loneliness during the day. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh man, this is such an interesting thing because it is so different for every couple. Personally, my Fiance and I were super deliberate about how we lived together, and debated everything under the sun. We still fight about stupid things related to living together like me not folding the clothes or him getting distracted by the internet and not doing things when they need to be done. 

Generally, I think it works to communicate constantly and be honest with how you feel (basically a general rule for relationships). I had a really hard time with the fact that when I get home I want to chatter away and when Fiance comes home he wants like 10 minutes alone just to relax.  

No matter what though, there is literally no one I would rather live with. 

Post # 12
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

There’s some great advice on this thread already! It’s always going to take a period of adjustment even if, as in our case, you have each shared with lots of friends/roommates before, I lived with a boyfriend and some friends once before and my husband once owned and shared a house with a girlfriend.

My advice:

– Expect it to take some time to adjust to each other because, as others have said, everyone’s normal is different. So don’t panic if it takes time!

– Try to keep some mystery and romance eg do nice things for your partner and (in my opinion) pee and shave your legs with the door closed. Make sure you don’t just talk about chores and bills. 

– Eat together whenever possible. 

– Give each other space too – you don’t need to be in each other’s arms 24/7. 

– Accept that you will both have some habits or foibles that baffle or annoy the other person. It may take time to work out what these are. Accept that different things may matter to each of you. 

– Tell your partner if you expect something or are unhappy about something. Don’t bring passive aggressiveness into your home. Talk about your boundaries eg do you need to ask your partner before inviting a guest over.

– Enjoy it! Living together with my man is like a never ending sleepover with my best friend in the world.

Post # 13
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh and for us it was hugely different in a good way! We had more money as we were only paying for one place. We had loads of fun picking out stuff to buy together eg for the kitchen. I love waking up beside him and silly things make me happy like seeing our laundry mixed together. I also love being a team and splitting the housework.

Biggest adjustments for me:

He is messy. I am Monica from Friends. So I said, look, I don’t expect you to care about this stuff but please understand that it makes me happy. He has spaced where he can be messy eg his closet and bedside table and I just don’t get involved. 

He sometimes likes to surprise me by cooking or preparing food he thinks I will like. This is very sweet. But I hate it because I like to choose what I eat. He thought I could just say if I didn’t want it and it’d be no big deal; I was brought up to eat what I was given so I struggle to say anything want don’t enjoy being surprised, it stresses me out. My point? You can find that one person thinks doing x or y is nice – but the other disagrees. 

Post # 14
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It was a bigger transition than we thought it would be, even though we spent every waking moment with each other before hand. We never fought until we moved in!  The first few months we had a few big fights – it was stressful! But, we’re through the woods now and have learned how to deal with each other and live together in harmony!

Post # 15
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think each couple adjusts in their own way. Some couples immediately fall into a routine and some have to sort of hash out what their expectations are. I think the biggest adjustment is just getting used to being with each other 24/7. You’ll notice things you didn’t notice before. And you sometimes have to learn to let the little things go. You may not have ever realized how long it takes him to get ready in the morning before work and have to shift your schedule so you both have enough bathroom time. And you definitely notice your SO’s bad habits when you live with them! 

When we moved in together, we had a very smooth transition. We sort of divided up household tasks without even having to discuss it really, so no problems there. We’d been together for almost 7 years at that point though, so we knew pretty much everything about each other at that point! 

Post # 16
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sienna76:  Same for us! We had no issues and 2.5 years later it’s still wonderful. Neither of us are very anal about things and we hardly ever fight in general, so it was easy peasy. We got lucky! 

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