- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half. It was one of those fairy tale moments when we met: he is absolutely The One. I’m old enough to have been in love before, and to compare great loves, and this one is truly the one I want to raise children with, grow old with, die with.
He has two flaws, both massive: he is an alcoholic, and he earns honestly almost no money at all, averaging somewhere around $6,000-$9,000 a year with two small business he owns himself. One is a start-up, and one had been very succesful before he decided to go into business with his also alcoholic brother, and it immediatley tapered off to a sad trickle of income. I’ve never known him as anything other than intensely poor for a man in his 30s, but he tells of former days with houses, not-on-sale groceries, even a car that was paid off and dogs he walked before going to work. He purchased a house for and paid all the bills on a small house he live din with his ex-girlfriend. When they broke up, he left it all with her, quit his job in order to start his own company, and went about $10,000 in debt paying for rent and car payments on a credit card.
By the time I met him 2 years after the break-up, he had a small business doing remodeling and his alcoholic but very sweet brother in law was just days from moving across the country to move in with him and share his apartment and company. The brother needed to get away from his old life and start over with clean, non-drinking associates.
My fiance claims this is about when he started drinking–when his brother moved in, and when we started dating. I have never known his anything but a drunk. For the first year of our relationship he drank until he passed out every single night. I can’t tell you how many wine glasses I have swept up, or how many times I have gone out to find the dog after he passed out with the door open.
We moved in together very quickly, as I owned a house. He has never once been able to help with the mortgage or bills.
We bought a second house together because the price on it was absurd, and it was our dream home. I know this sounds crazy. We rented out my charming first home, and moved into a massive fixer-upper Victorian that we ultimatley hope to rent out for weddings. Here, too, of ocurse, he has never been able to help with any bills, whether heat or mortgage or restoration. I told him when we moved in we would never drink in this house, but start clean.
Of course we haven’t. He’s “quit” about 8 times now, and always withn a few days to a few weeks he’s back at it. This time he did quite well and went to 1-2 drinks a night for a few weeks, but now he’s at 2 every night and 3 some, and last night he got drunk again — all alone on the porch. He did apologize as he was doing it. I left and didn’t come back til morning, so I don’t know how drunk he got. In the morning he was repentant.
The debt he came into ou relationship with has not been lessened by a single dollar, even though it was understood that I would cover all our costs so he could pay it down. I have not accepted a single birthday or Christmas gift, saying all I wanted was for him to get rid of his debt.
One other petty bone to pick: I do not have an engagement ring, as he gave me a loose, very low-quality family diamond that he can’t afford to have set. I bought myself a ring I like, but I would so much rather have a $10 sterling band FROM HIM, instead of a bauble with no meaning.
We have told the entire family and neighborhood about our wedding date, and I own a dress and we have a photographer.
I’m thinking of delaying our wedding indefinitely until he pays off his debt and is sober for a year.
What do you think? Am I being crazy?