Post # 17
Wow, eveyrone, thanks for all the responses–I know I didn’t list his good side, but I swear to you he has it. He’s a wonderful man, and he does work hard. He works full shifts, every day of the week, on his businesses. They simply don’t yield much. He does try. And you know what it’s like when you truly love someone–everything they do (except the overtly crazy things) makes you feel peaceful and at home. He holds my hand, calls me 10 minutes after he leaves in the morning just to say he loves me, spends whatever money he doesn’t have on my favorite kind of ice cream… He’s simply a good man, very loving and kind, and these other things are like little unpleasant seeds in an otherwise perfectly delightful apple.
And thank you to all who suggested that a delay is a sensible plan. We’ve been pretty crazy to get where we are, and I know this. I don’t even regret it. I just can’t let it get more complicated than it already is.
(And to clarify, I don’t drink with him. Actually I’m terrified to drink at all, and now won’t on any occasion, even special ones, because I simply can’t open that can of worms).
Post # 18
Yes, you are being crazy. You are also, completely 100% enabling him to continue living his lifestyle instead of realizing he needs help. You’re being a mother, not a significant other. You shouldn’t be considering ANY kind of future with this man until he gets his act together. Love for someone is not enough reason to stay with them.
Post # 19
Also – having a “good side” does not make his alcoholism better. That, and his lack of earning (or wanting to earn more) overshadows any and ALL “good” things about him. Think of yourself. Think of your [future] kids.
Post # 20
@notgreatatnames: I can’t believe you even think marrying him is an option at this point. He’s going to drag you down and ruin your life. There’s no doubt about it
Post # 21
@notgreatatnames: I do not quite understand why/how you guys are even together. It sounds he is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him.
Post # 22
While ice cream and “I love yous” are nice, they aren’t going to pay the bills or help his alcoholism. I can assure you, there are countless men out there who will hold your hand, tell you they love you, and buy you ice cream, who AREN’T broke debt-ridden alcoholics.
Post # 23
“or how many times I have gone out to find the dog after he passed out with the door open.”
It can be pretty scary when you realize your dog is missing/got loose. But what if it was a child? I can’t even begin to imagine how much scarier it would be if you had to worry about that happening with a child…
Post # 24
@renwoman: +1. I grew up with 2 alcoholics for parents. I don’t wish that on anyone. Believe me when I say he needs to get sober or you will be divorced.
Post # 26
@babypearls: I completely agree with all of this
Post # 27
Do you have Kaiser Pemanente health insurance by any chance? They have a really good family program that supports people who have loved ones battling addiction. They go in depth on the mechanics of addiction, relapse, and how it effects you as a codependent. If not, look into AlAnon. It will help you get some perspective on this situation.
It sounds like you are addicted to the romance of the drama with this guy. Nothing good is going to come out of this relationship. RUN. And get some support.
Post # 28
@Fireferret: This times a thousand.
I think you are blinded by your love of this man. You can list his great attributes ’til your blue in the face it doesn’t change the fact that right now this man should not be caring for a dog let alone another person.
What happens if you lose your job or something happens to you. Will he be able to support you or care for you?
Like others have said, love is not enough.
Post # 29
@notgreatatnames: Aww, tears came to my eyes when I read this. This is so sad. I feel sorry for you. I really think that you mean well, but you are just too naive to see that he is using you. Of course I love yous and ice cream are nice, but you deserve more than that. Being broke and being an alcoholic does not mean bad seeds; it means a rotting apple and you’ve got to get him help before it’s too late. Let him go, if you love him. Let him go, so he can get better. Let him go, so you can find someone who truly loves you.
Post # 30
@notgreatatnames: as someone who grew up in an alcoholic household and dated almost solely addicts before Fiance trust me when I say this.
You only need to do one thing right now. Go to an alanon meeting. If you don’t have the strength to do anything else, get your ass to an alanon meeting. Today. I promise you, it will help. I thought the whole thing was so pointless and hokey until I actually went. It changed my life.
Post # 31
@notgreatatnames: I think you are being crazy but not in the way that you’re suggesting. It would be crazy to marry this person and delaying the wedding is one of the sane points in your post. He is bring absolutely nothing to the table and he is completely taking advantage of you. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who won’t contribute financially, is dependent on a substance, and would be a terrible role model for your children then feel free. But do remember that when you make your bed you have to lay in it so I would think long and hard about how a future with him would be and if you are prepared for it.