Post # 47
@notgreatatnames: He sounds almost exactly like my ex. He was (and still is) one of the kindest people I ever met, I loved him with my whole heart, but ultimately I couldnt allow his addiction to take me down with him. I dont want to live hand to mouth, fixing my partners mess. It was the hardest thing in the world to leave him, but I love myself enough to know that my future children and I deserve safety and security.This is not something your love alone can fix, he has to do it himself. Get serious about this, if you marry this guy ( right now) it will be THE WORST decision.
Post # 48
@Fireferret: Oh my goodness, you’re right! If he can’t even take care of a DOG (with survival instincts) how on EARTH is this going to go over if you have a CHILD (who does NOT know how to survive on its own)?
Post # 49
Another child of an addict here. Cocaine rather than alcohol, but still.
My father died penniless and alone in a hotel room at the age of 41. I was 15. I’m fairly well-adjusted considering, but most of my memories of him are dark and as painful as raw wounds. I loved him with the feverish loyalty of a child, then hated him like only an adolescent with a substance-abusing absentee father can. He died without ever fulfilling any of the promises he’d made to me — to get clean, to show up. It’s been ten years, and I ache at times with missing him, but if he was standing in front of me right now it would take every ounce of self control I possess not to throw a punch.
Right now you have complete control over whether you experience any of what I did, whether your children do. If you stay with him, you are making a decision to be party to your own (inevitable) unhappiness.
To this day, my mother considers my father the love of her life. She also says the best thing he ever did was divorce her. Love will not save either of you.
Post # 50
@notgreatatnames: Hun, I see you have a huge issue on your hands. Alcoholism is generally when a person hides drinking and when they drink more then 2-3 drinks per night. My father was and still is an alcoholic. A therapist told me that if someone drinks 1-3 drinks and can stop but comes back to it, likely drinks to escape. Drinking is escaping the present. Makes it better and care free…. So now the question is why does he feel he needs to escape?
Looks like he has to see someone and figure out what is making him unhappy and change things in his life to get back on his feet. Maybe getting a job and just doing his business on the side ?
Post # 51
@notgreatatnames: I don’t think your follow up post changes the advice that everyone has given already. You can find a man who has all of those good qualities without very serious, major issues like this. Calling you to tell you he loves you and buying you ice cream are easy things for any guy to do. He’s not doing the hard work to get his life together, for himself or for you. I too am skeptical that this hasnt been a problem of his for far longer than he’s admitting.
“Little unpleasant seeds”?! I think you should look into therapy to understand why you are accepting so little. Why are you accepting this train wreck waiting to happen?! I also dont understand why you make no mention of professional treatment. That’s step one, before anything else. You’ve been with him only for a year and a half. Things will get so much worse. Even my aunts and uncles who were “fun” alcoholics when I was young have all slowly unraveled. None of them have sought treatment to my knowledge.
Post # 52
@notgreatatnames: I think you’re smart in postponing your wedding and putting that completely on the back burner. The first issue that needs to be dealt with is your FI’s alcoholism. I am kind of surprised that almost everyone has said to run. I think more people said that they would stay with a pedophile (another thread) than people who said that you should stay with your Fiance (what?!). Alcoholism is a disease. He can’t just say, “I’m going to stop” and then in a snap he’s done with drinking. I’ve known very few alcoholics that have ever been able to quit on their own. He needs to go into a program where he can get real help. If you have the type of love that you claim to have with this man then you need to sit him down and tell him to go to AA or whatever local program you have access to. He can’t just have a drink here and there, not if he’s an alcoholic.
Once he gets a handle on his drinking then you can move on to working on his finances. If the businesses are such failures (that is what I would categorize them as if he’s only making $9,000/yr) then maybe you should discuss him moving into a more lucrative field, severing the partnership with his brother, etc. Whatever he needs to do to get back to the point he once was.
My father is an alcoholic and it was miserable growing up with him drunk/high (also a heroine addict at one point), but when he is sober he is an extremely intelligent man and has a good heart. His addictions ruined his life. He lost his successful business and has nothing to his name now. I understand you being frustrated with your FI’s disease, but still loving him because he is still a good person. Not all alcoholics are the angry, abusive men that you see on TV. I think that if you love him he deserves a chance to recover, but you have to be realistic with what that will entail.
Post # 53
Normally, I’m pretty gentle on these threads, since I’m not so great on paper either. I’m underemployed and in debt, and not the most responsible person I know. But, in your case, please postpone the wedding. I am a work in progress, but this guy just sounds like a piece of work. He may very well be able to change, but don’t promise him a future until he proves it.
Post # 54
1. Accept that things HAVE TO change before marry him, commit to yourself that YOU will not live with this.
2. If he wants to be with you he has to go to AA meetings.
3. refer to #2.
Post # 55
Delay the wedding and check out Al-Anon – it’s a nonprofit especially for those who are affected by a loved one’s drinking.
The problem in asking him not to drink in the new house, or to be sober for a year, is that you’re asking for this promise from an addict – in other words, you’re setting him up for failure. He needs treatment. It’s a promising sign that he’s apparently *trying* to cut down on his drinking, but I think getting in to see his doctor is of utmost importance here.
They may be able to recommend him to a support group – like AA, of course – or maybe some visits with a substance abuse counselor can help him get his life back on track.
In the meantime, it’s no-holds-barred. You pay for nothing – NOTHING – when it comes to his bills. You let him live through the consequences of his drinking – i.e., you explain in full honesty his actions when he’s drinking, how it hurts you, etc. And if you make a threat – you have to have to have to be ready to follow through on it. If that means evicting him or something else, that’s up to you. Whatever you say to him, follow through.
If he isn’t willing to get professional help, you make it clear that you aren’t willing to continue the relationship.
I don’t doubt that your boyfriend is a good man – albeit a man who has a serious addiction that is not only ruining his personal and professional life, but also his health.
Post # 56
I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you’re enabling his addiction. He doesn’t really have to quit because he has someone who loves and supports him (emotionally and financially.) I don’t know about you, but the man I chose to marry was a whole person who I didn’t need to/want to “fix.” I think you need to let him go on his own if you really want him to get better.
Post # 57
@notgreatatnames: you said
What do you think? Am I being crazy?
I think you have very low standards for yourself. I’d look into why that is. But go ahead, let the guy be the lurv of you life, whatever. Just please for god’s sake don’t bring children into this situation. Have enough compassion for your future children to find strength to keep him from being their father.
Oh Lurv and all of that sort of thing that you choose for yourself is, well, what you choose for yourself as a grown, independant woman. Choosing it for helpless, dependant children is despicable.
Pretending you are “crazy” is part of the lying to yourself that is usual in this kind of co-dependant relationship. I don’t care what adults do, though, but you aren’t crazy even though it’s a relief to pretend to be crazy in lurv, to be helpless in the face of it. Right? Because that way you aren’t responsible.
That’s why you asked the question and so many posters have responded in the way you wanted.
Let me also say that he undoubtedly has some great qualities. Most humans are a mix of good and not-so-good. And who knows, maybe in the end his good qualities really do outweigh his bad ones for you, for now anyway. This won’t get better though.
I am glad that you are there to take care of the dog.
Post # 58
- Wedding: July 2012 - Muckenthaler Cultural Center
I don’t believe that he was well off before he met you. My dad told my mom he once had money and he didn’t,he was just terrible with money. Their marriage ended in a sad divorce which included our house getting foreclosed when I was a middle schooler.
In the words of Liz Lemon and some lovely WeddingBees:
Shut it down. Deal breaker.
Post # 59
@MsJ2theZ: I know, I’ve seen it multiple times today and I don’t get tired of it. I LOVE Liz LEmon!!!!!!
Post # 60
Sooooo what exactly made you think this douchbag was “the one”????? Those are not very endearing qualities.
Why don’t you think you deserve better??
Post # 61
If you are going to stay with him, he needs to admit he has a problem and take steps to fix it. Like joining AA, going to rehab, maybe talking to a psychologist, and talking to a financial planner/advisor. And for yourself I would join a support group for people with loved ones suffering from addictions, and find out all you can about the disease, read books, blogs, etc. Delay the wedding until both his finances and his alcoholism are under control.