Post # 62
@kes18: I was thinking the same thing. I mean you met him when he was an active alcoholic, barely making any income, and being 30 years old. So you met him, knew he was irresponsible and wouldn’t be bringing much to the table. But you think he’s “the one”? I’m sorry, but this relationship isn’t healthy and if this is real, you need some individual therapy to be able to understand how relationships should work when they are healthy.
Post # 63
I read the first few lines: he’s an alcoholic and he earns barley peanuts, and all I can say is RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
Post # 64
I think you need to postpone the wedding until he stops drinking and I think you may need to give him an ultimatum in order for this to happen. He needs to get himself into treatment and show some progress by such and such a date or its over. Normally I hate ultimatums, but in this case I think it’s justified – he needs to decide if he loves you or alcohol more. And I think you need to ask yourself what you would do if he choose alcohol.
Post # 65
If I were you I’d run like the wind because I just wouldn’t want to put myself through trying to rehabilitate an alcoholic. However, you clearly love this man, so I would suggest that you definitely postpone the wedding until he’s fully sober. As others have said, you’re currently enabling him to continue hurting himself. The most important thing I would encourage you to think about: you say you want children – read the experiences of the previous posters who have fathers with addicitions. Is that what you want for your children? Because that’s what you’ll get if he’s not yet sober and you have a child. Don’t kid yourself that he’ll be different.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I really, really feel that you’re selling yourself short.
Post # 66
He may be a great man but he won’t be a great husband or father. You both deserve better than this and he needs to sober up for good. Take care of yourself first because in the end booze will always come first for him.
Post # 67
@notgreatatnames: He will never get sober until HE REACHES HIS OWN BOTTOM!! Each of us (myself included) has our own bottom in addiction, clearly he has not reached his yet. You need to end the relationship completely! By contiuning to pay his bills and giving him a place to stay, you are only enabling his addiction to continue.
You need to set some boundaries, and hold to them. No paying his bills, no giving him a place to live, no, no, NO to everything! Tough love, the only thing you need to be willing to help him with is getting help, BUT only IF he really seeks help.
I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but there is no other way when dealing with addiction. I think you would be absolutely out of your mind to marry this guy. I would give the diamond back, and tell him that when he gets WELL (sober AT LEAST one year) that you would be willing to have a relationship then.
I am a recovering addict, 10 years clean. You are not going to be able to save him. This is something he needs to come to terms with. I am sorry I wish I had some magical fix for you. But the truth is, the addict/alcholic needs to stop UNDER THEIR OWN POWER. Anything else will just lead to one more relapse.
ETA, see if they have some ALANON meetings in your area, so you can get support from others who are in the same boat as you.
Post # 68
@notgreatatnames: Delay the wedding and get him in a AA programme. Make him stick to it. He sounds like he is in a hole and needs professional help. He will have to get clean and dry and go to rehab for some time. Remember that he’ll have to be a teetotaller and never touch a drink again and it will be tough.
I am going to go against the grain here and say well done you for not ditching him when the going gets tough. Alcoholism is a serious problem and everyone deserves help.
Post # 69
Sorry may be it is a bit off topic, but just read your (FutureDrAtkins’s) story and wanted to say that you are truly inspirational. It is amazing that you came through all that and are now on the other side being successful and strong and doing a PHD. You are a fighter.
Back to the topic, I agree that the guy needs serious help but OP needs to put a time limit on it and if there is no improvement within the time limit, then it is time to sling your hook. I agree that at this stage marriage and kids are a definite no-no.
Post # 70
@thumpurr: I agree – its got to come from him. He needs to want to quit, you can’t do it for him. If he does not want to stop then you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship. I’ve seen a lot of alcoholics in my line of work (although I don’t work in rehab) and the policy is always that you give them the information about services but they need to be the ones to make the phone calls and set up appointments – if they can’t even do that then they’re not committed to stopping. (We once had a fully grown man ask a nurse to call his mother to get her to make the phones calls – doomed to failure from the start)
Post # 71
@notgreatatnames: I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, but I get the sense that you know you’re in over your head, since you reached out to us for advice.
Honestly, you have to compare the benefits to the costs in this relationship. Yes, you love him- of course! You’ve invested yourself in this relationship.
However, the things that you listed that you like about him are miniscule compared to the risks. It’s sweet that he calls, and buys you ice cream. Is it worth risking your financial security for those things? I don’t think so. He works hard, and long shifts? That’s super, but clearly it isn’t paying the bills. With being in a serious relationship, he needs to be your partner, and he should be doing anything he can to compensate for his low income- second job, a completely new career, etc.
Alcoholism is an illness. There isn’t going to be a “cure” per se, until he’s ready to admit there is a problem and he works aggressively to treat it. Temporarily minimizing the amount he drinks is not treatment. He should be participating in groups, at the very least. It might not be a bad idea for you to join a spouse’s group too. I don’t mean any offense at all, but you are co-dependent, and you’re enabling him.
You need to prioritize your well-being, and the things you want out of your life, long-term. I would be very concerned about his ability to help you achieve those things. Thinking of you!
Post # 72
@Sapphire-Dreamer: YES! Every time I read another post saying “I’ve been with this man for a year and he’s ruining my life, but I love him” I’m going to use this.
Sure, people can have great relationships after a year, but this does not sound like one of them. As far as I’m concerned, a marriage can last at least fifty years, so don’t settle for a bad relationship just because you’re scared to “throw away” a couple of years. Get away from this guy, cut ties and find someone else! The world is full of great men who will buy you ice cream, and who *aren’t* addicts. You don’t want to raise kids and grow old with someone who puts his addiction before you – that routine will get old very quickly.
Post # 73
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
Sometime love just isnt enough.
How are you going to fulfil any of your dreams with him remaining an alcoholic. How are you going to grow old together? How are you going to have children?
Post # 74
@notgreatatnames: please please please, get out of this toxic relationship stat. i was with a gut who was a packrat, and couldn’t hold a job. it took me 9 years to relaize he wouldn’t change unless i did, so i left. best decision ever. only drastic change will convince himt o change. tragic yes, but take it from me it’s not worth it
Post # 75
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
Sorry to sound harsh, but trust me as someone without rose-tinted glasses, LEAVE.
You only live once, don’t waste it legally bound to a deadbeat drunkard. He will suck you of everything you have.
Post # 76
- Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center
@DarlingClementine: thank you