(Closed) Addicted, Broke, and the Love of My Life

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
6430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

It baffles me that you can actually say you want to have kids with this man. It honestly makes no sense to me how you can see any future at all with a man like this. He needs to get help, and he doesn’t need to drag you or a potential family down with him. I think it’s crazy to stay in this relationship.

Post # 78
Hostess
9645 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@sparkletiger:  Thank you! There is very nice of you to say. I try… I just want to do better for myself and my (maybe someday) children, which I think is the same with everyone 🙂

Post # 79
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsYoshida:  +1000

You only live once, don’t waste it legally bound to a deadbeat drunkard. He will suck you of everything you have.

I get he is a great guy inside, but he has serious demons. This will forever complicate your life and make you resentful if it does not stop NOW. no more excuses for him or his behavior

I have a friend who ended up ultimately STABBED by his now ex-wife because her drinking problem spiraled out of control throughout the years. Eventually could never stay sober, got too many DUIs, lost her high paying job, and then landed in jail. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

Post # 81
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

All I will say is that we accept the love we think we deserve. For some reason you think this sort of love is all you are worth, all you deserve.  You need to figure out why that is and work on it. This is a dealbreaker for people who have self respect and self worth. I’m sorry to be harsh but it’s true. 

Post # 82
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@notgreatatnames:  My mom always told me that you can’t help who you fall in love with. What is it that you love about him? How is he nurturing your soul? Unless he is willing to go to rehab, I’d kick his butt out. You are going to spend the rest of your life supporting him and becoming a vicitm of his disease. Do you want to raise children with a man like this? Use your brain instead of your heart!!

Post # 83
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@notgreatatnames:  I cannot fathom how presumably smart women like you fall into such horrible, toxic relationships like the one you are in. Look over what you wrote. Do you want to be with someone like that? To waste your life sweeping up wine glasses?

Do you know how incredibly difficult your children’s lives will be if you choose to have them? They will, with 90% certainty, become alcoholics.

Post # 84
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

While you can be an emotional support, you can’t change him.  You can only change how you deal with his behavior. 

I strongly recommend Al-Anon to all family members of alcoholics.  I grew up with alcoholic parents and was encouraged to go for many years before I finally did.  I learned SO MUCH about the disease and myself.  And the support that feel from everyone in that group is completely unreal.  Al-Anon completely changed my life for the better.  Its worth a try!

I also recommend it to everyone on here with alcoholic loved ones. 

Post # 85
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lealorali:  I agree with everything except your last sentence, which is a load of BS. You have no clue what you’re talking about. 

Post # 86
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@notgreatatnames:  I’m a little confused about his old house. He “left it” with his exgirlfriend. Is it in his name and she’s living there rent free? Is it in both of their names? That part doesn’t really make sense.

Anyway, anything else I could think to say has been said to death. However, I’m going to say it: RUN. Even if he gets sober tomorrow and stays that way, I’d still be headed for the door. Yesterday. Actually, I never would have gone through that door. I’m a “helper” too – I like to be there for people, help them, fix them, whatever. Or rather, I used to. It only gets you burned. And my personal experience with alcoholics… 1 out of a dozen I know is sober and sane. The rest just get addicted to something else – prescription drugs usually, some with pot and shopping, and one with church. (Again, just my experience – my SIL, a sister, a few cousins, and a bunch of [ex]friends. They may be “sober” but they usually don’t stay sober.)

Post # 87
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@KC-2722:  This.  My father is an alcoholic, even though he claims not to be because he works hard, has nice things, and people like him.  He’s not broke nor has he ever had a DUI.  He thinks since he’s “functional” he doesn’t have an illness; but that’s not the case.

He has a disease.  I know it and deep down he knows it.  Your fiance will not change unless he chooses to.  You are signing up for a lifetime of disappointment if you agree to marry him as he is.  While he will always struggle with alcoholism, I think having a certain time frame of sobriety is essential prior to tying the knot (whether for you that’s 6 months sober or two years, but he needs to demonstrate his willingness to work on this).

Alcoholics, as with any other addict, can live healthy and productive lives, but they have to choose to every day and there may always be that temptation to drink again.  

I would not stay in this relationship as it is.

Post # 88
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lealorali:  I know you’re probably just exaggerating for effect but claiming that 90% of the children of alcoholics is a bit off. Yes they do have a higher risk of alcoholism (about 4 times higher than normal – which is pretty bloody high!) but its certainly not as high as 90%. Of course those who don’t become alcoholics still end up going through some pretty rough shit. 

 

Sorry to nitpick, I just feel like its not really fair to those people who have posted about their personal experience with alcoholic parents to say that they have a 90% chance of following in their parents footsteps. 

Post # 89
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@lealorali:  Erm, no.  The last sentence is way off base.

My father is an alcoholic, none of us are.  If “90%” were accurate, at least one of us would have been.  

Post # 90
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As someone who lived with an alcoholic for over 20 years, I DEFINITELY would not marry this man until he has been completely sober for at least a year. In fact, I would toss his butt out UNTIL he was clean and sober. Unfortunately my e is STILL an alcoholic. He will never learn. My FH does not drink at all, now he WAS an alcoholic but he has been clean and sober for 18 years.

Post # 91
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

Hi

I really feel for you in this situation. From your post, it seems very obvious that you and your fiance love each other very much.

BUT… for the moment, I think that it would be beneficial to disengage from your emotions.

Firstly, are you planning a family? If so, would you be prepared to bring a child into this situation?

Secondly, I think that you are, unintentionally, sanctioning your husband’s drinking by not taking a ‘harder line’ approach. I’ve no doubt that you are doing this out of love, but from an objctive standpoint, I don’t think that it’s doing your relationship any good in the long term.

My advice would be to put everything on hold until he seeks help and is sober for at least a few years, before you consider marrying him. Unfortunately, the reality is that he may never reach this point. If that is the case, are you prepared to not have a marriage and possibly children? Is being with your fiance more important than these things?

I personally don’t think that it would be fair to bring children in this situation, and so I think that you may end up having to choose the overall life that you want, based on what your situation is now, and what you reasonably think that it will develop into over the next few years.

Good luck x

 

 

 

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