(Closed) Addicted, Broke, and the Love of My Life

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, you’re asking if you’re crazy to delay the wedding until he’s sober for a year???

Listen to yourself as you ask this question. Just listen. 

Post # 93
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

why even consider being one of the few non-addicts choosing to permanently intertwine her life with an addict who’s not even in recovery? Nearly every other non-addict sane woman will demand better. you are worth more than that but will always get less if you’re the only good person willing to put up with it. Why not deal with normal “problems” like getting a guy to put the toilet seat down? 

Despite what you maybe have experienced in relationships, a good relationship that’s worth keeping really shouldn’t be that hard (on basic sobriety level at least).

And sadly despite a PP’s comments otherwise. if you marry an alcoholic, it really might not end as “good” as divorce. I’ve known someone stuck to  an alcoholic for life because of marriage, with all of the disastrous effects of addiction wreaking havoc on the sober person’s family, friend, work, kids, home, and financial spheres – for 40 years and counting . . .

an untreated alcohol addiction is no better than any other “hard” drug. Would you live with and marry an occasional crackhead? Not different to me

Post # 94
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@notgreatatnames:  great, great idea. once you get married he won’t change! if he’s not changing now – he for sureeee won’t change then!!!!!  alcoholism is a disease and he needs help. it can lead to severe health problems, too. give him a chance to clean up for good or pack your bags! as for the debt – he needs to get a better source of income to pay that off!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 96
2953 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@notgreatatnames:  I believe addiction is a disease. I also believe it is possible to manage the disease and maintain sobriety.

Do not marry this man until he learns how to manage his disease!

Post # 98
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Tarheelgurl:  +1 this.

My father was an alcoholic (he started drinking heavily after his mother died, so 13 years into my parents’ relationship) and he sexually abused me for 6 years. He’d climb into my bed smelling of alcohol. I’ve pressed charges, gone through a court case, had to set him up to admit it on the phone years after it happened, had to face him publicly, gotten a restraining order, was humiliated in court, spent YEARS in therapy, had (maybe have? I haven’t had a recurrance but it does happen every now and then) a serious anxiety disorder in which I started my day vomiting from a panic attack, couldn’t work, and still have some leftover baggage that makes me freak the F out on my Fiance when he drinks beer and then hugs me. It’s not his fault and he’s totally allowed to drink a beer when we’re at dinner, but I still want to run and hide in a closet. And I’m a relatively well adjusted person with a college degree, a job, a wonderful human being for a Fiance, two cats, a really nice apartment in a decent area…but that doesn’t change the fact that I have a LOT of deep, gaping wounds that still haven’t quite healed (and may never). 

Do you really want to bring up kids with a possibility of that happening? I’m sure my mom didn’t envision that happening to her or her children when she married him. I’m sure she saw all of his wonderful qualities instead. And after he started drinking, she fell into a horrible, crippling depression, which is why he turned to me to abuse. She ignored it THE WHOLE TIME FOR SIX YEARS IN HER HOUSE! She hasn’t even apologized to me and she knows what happened. His side of the family disowned me and believes I’m a liar. Her side of the family turns a blind eye because she did too. It literally BROKE the family. My childhood. My brother’s childhood. Everything.

You are already knowingly staying in this relationship with one of those BAD things – the alcoholism. 


ETA: How do you know he’s not bringing in a bunch of money working so hard that he isn’t flipping around and SPENDING ON ALCOHOL??? I’d bet you money he totally is and that his story about his ‘previous life’ is complete bullshit. I have no tolerance for that shit after what I’ve been through. Love isn’t enough and it won’t save you or your children whether you like it or not. 

Post # 99
24 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

Having grown up with an alcoholic parent, your sentence about raising children with him throws up a giant red flag.

Having an alcoholic parent is devastating, particularly so if that parent never recovers. Mine never has, and probably never will. My childhood, while by no means as bad as some, was not good. My relationship with my non-alcholic parent also suffered because I partially blame them for never getting us out of that volatile situation.

I cannot emphasize this enough: you can’t fix him. He needs to do it himself. And until he is 100% sober and clean, do NOT bring children into the mix. You have no idea what you would be doing to them.

Post # 100
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think its great that you love him enough to stick with him through this. But you also have to realize that you have only been together a year and a half. It seems like you are still in the honeymoon stage considering you are mentioning all these simple acts like “holding your hand” as reasons why he’s so great. … just wait until reality kicks in and you are working full time trying to support the two of you and he comes home and drinks till he passes out EVERY NIGHT and you have to take care of him, clean up after him, and get no real time with him because he’s always drunk. A marriage is a partnership… not one person holding up the other. You WILL grow to resent him if he doesn’t get his act together… and quick. 

And he only brings in 8k from his business? I think hes hanging on to a failing business… he needs to either change things up to increase profits or cut it loose and get a real job. Maybe a part time job while trying to work on his business?

I wouldn’t marry him unless he was sober for atleast a year (hasn’t had a sip of alcohol) and he was making enough money to be able to support himself or pay half the household expenses.

I don’t understand why you said “he only had 2 drinks a night” like it was a good thing. Alcoholics can’t just turn into social drinkers… he has to never drink again- ever. If his brother is an alcoholic he needs to cut him out of his life. and stop hanging out with people when they drink. That means if he even so much as brings one beer into the house you dump it down the drain. If he comes home drunk, lock him out. I wouldn’t let him in the house again if he was drinking and i’d lay down the law that you will not marry him until he’s 100% sober.

Post # 101
2864 posts
Sugar bee

Forget broke. I couldn’t even get past the fact that he is an alcoholic.  Honey, an alcoholic is never marriage material. I don’t care what he makes you feel or how much of ‘the One’ he is.  He is not ‘the One’ right now. 

Just no.

Post # 102
24 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t understand why you said “he only had 2 drinks a night” like it was a good thing. Alcoholics can’t just turn into social drinkers.

@Kate0558:  She said it because she’s coming from an enabler’s state of mind. OP, you need to give yourself a good, hard shake. You do not want to be this person.

I grew up with an alcoholic and an enabler. You don’t want to be picking up bottles off the floor when your husband passes out. And you don’t want to be making excuses to your children about what’s wrong, particularly when you can’t admit it to yourself.

It’s an ugly situation and, while it might get better, it’s very likely that it won’t. You need to resign yourself to the fact that your fiance may not get better, and make a plan of action to get yourself out of there.

Post # 103
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsNewDay:  All of this!

@OP – I’m sorry to say this, but I’d take marriage off the table. I feel your Fiance needs serious help with his alcohol issues.

Post # 104
47 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this situation, but if you’re asking for advice, mine is RUN.  As many other Bees have said, alcoholism is a terrible disease and the only person in the world that has any impact on beating that disease is the alcoholic themself.

When reading what you write, all I can think of is my father.  He was an amazing Dad and a devoted husband… when he was sober.  My mom tried to fix him and help him for 25 years before she realized she had lost herself trying to help him.  They too had a “once in a lifetime” love, but it was all overshadowed by his drinking.  He lost every job he had due to alcoholism, making my mom the primary breadwinner and care taker.

They were so in love, and I truley believe that they were meant for eachother, but watching what my father’s disease did to our family, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  

You can’t fix him, he is not changing, give yourself a chance at true freedom and happiness and find someone else.  You are not responsible for him.  You cannot take on this burden for the rest of your life.

Post # 105
1017 posts
Bumble bee

OP isn’t coming back.  She is an enabler that wants to take care of him.  

Post # 106
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Where addiction exists, intimacy cannot. Why would you set yourself for a lifetime of heartache by marrying someone who is already married to booze?! 

Break up with him and then get yourself in therapy so you can get answers as to why your self esteem was so low that you dated an unavailable person for this long.

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