(Closed) Adjusting to being engaged

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you struggle emotionally with getting engaged?
    Yes! : (43 votes)
    29 %
    No, you're a crazy person : (104 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    2515 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @MaryKay14:  this. These two paragraphs from to OP bother me as well.

    Post # 18
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @gettin_marrid:  I didn’t personally have this experience, but I didn’t vote on the poll because although it didn’t happen to me I don’t think you are crazy. I read an article a long time ago about how sometimes you can feel more annoyed at your Fiance once you get engaged because you realize it’s forever and you notice their annoying habits more easily. If it persists for months and months then maybe reassess your relationship but if you really do deep down want to be with him I wouldn’t worry.

    Post # 20
    Member
    130 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I don’t agree with the concept of marrying someone you can’t live without. I hope I am never so dependent upon another person that I feel I can’t live without him.

    I also think it is better to be getting engaged and married after that blissful “honeymoon period”. It is so easy to be swept away by those passionate feelings, that you don’t really see what the other person is like. Those feelings don’t last at that level for ever. You want to marry a man you know at a deeper level. Someone who you aren’t just infatuated with, but who you do truly love. And who you also like.

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    1150 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    @gettin_marrid:  Haha my vote would be more towards ‘no’ but I certainly wouldn’t call you crazy!

    I was over-the-moon happy and excited but our engagement wasn’t totally out of the blue, we had discussed it at length and I knew it was coming. That said, some things do shift in your mind.

    I have struggled a few times with how I view things now, like if my Fiance does something that bugs me, rather than just thinking ‘ugh that’s annoying’ and moving on, I look at it on a much bigger scale like ‘omg.. can I really live with that for the REST OF MY LIFE!?’

    But its always stupid little things so not worth making a fuss over, I think it does just take a little getting used to once you have very publicly and definitely made that commitment to spend your life with someone.

    Don’t worry, your engagement is still relatively new and you’ll get used to the idea/feeling of it – that is, if you are totally on board with the commitment. 

    One thing that I noticed is different in your relationship is that you say you feel like you were moving apart and doing more things seperately? That’s probably not the right direction for a couple who are looking to commit to a marriage..

    Maybe you guys need to sit down together and make sure you’re on the same page. If you didn’t see marriage happening for you guys and he did but you hadn’t discussed it, you guys probably need to really make sure you’re both happy with where things are heading and that you both want the same things. Its much easier/smarter to sort those things out now than later down the track when marriage and possibly children are involved.

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    1150 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    @BrightSide:  Agreed. I think you have to be happy enough and comfortable enough within yourself that you don’t NEED to be with anyone otherwise you make too many compromises, usually at the expense of your own happiness.

    One of my favourite movie quotes is ‘I’m not going to say I can’t live without you. I can live without you, I just don’t want to’. While I usually wouldn’t look to movies for love advise (I usually find love stories in movies totally rediculous and unrealistic) I feel like this is the way you should look at a relationship and your partner. You’re not totally dependant on them, you just love and care for them so much that you WANT to be with them forever.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1228 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Sounds pretty normal.  Once you get engaged,  the stakes are so much higher.  It’s ok if Boyfriend or Best Friend does something a little thoughtless,  but if Fiance does it….OMG this is forever are we really doing this I can’t believe we’re doing this should we be doing this is this what our marriage is going to be like what if we have kids… ?..ack!

    I think Weddingbee skews pretty traditional,  so lots of women who have prioritized marriage in their lives. Don’t worry, you’re not crazy! 

    Post # 24
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I think it’s somewhat normal to be a bit worried when it first happens, but something stuck out to me…

    You say you never viewed this relationship as permanent. Either you’re like the most easy-going female on the planet, or he may not be the right guy for you. You’ve never thought of buying a house? Having kids? Of course you don’t NEED a man to do these things, but unless you’re quite wealthy, they are difficult to do on your own.

    Also, depending on where you live, common law doesn’t give you the same rights as marriage. I heard of a case where a couple dated for like 20 years, they lived together and so on, but when one of them ended up in the hospital, the other was barely allowed to visit… let alone make any important decisions concerning the other’s health. If you opt not to get married, you have to ensure you have these sorts of things covered. IMO it’s just easier to get married, you know? Like if you’re going to spend the rest of your life committed to that person, why wouldn’t you make it legal?

    Post # 25
    Member
    799 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    We’ve been together for five years. If I got cold feet now that we’re engaged I’d have to reevaluate the whole relationship. We talked about getting married here and there and we always knew it was the end game. Nothing has changed since we got engaged. The closeness we feel has only intensified. His love reminds me everyday why I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Intimately and emotionally we’re the closest we’ve ever been. He’s been the greatest help throughout the planning process and without him I’d be a basket case. 

     

     

    Post # 27
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @gettin_marrid:  If he’s bad with money, I would re-think marrying him too, honestly.

    Post # 28
    Member
    729 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t think you’re crazy. I agree with whoever said it’s good to get engaged AFTER the whole honeymoon period is over. And I think you’re just being realistic and practical in thinking about the long term. My parents are divorced, so I don’t assume that I’ll be with my boyfriend forever. Shit happens. if we’re last forever, that’s great, and if we don’t, we don’t. I think a lot of people romanticize marriage way too much.

    I’m actually excited to marry my boyfriend, but I think if he didn’t want to do it I’d probably be fine with that. I did go through and adjustment period but for me it was externally focused. I feel weird talking to other people about being engaged. I know that getting married is a totally normal thing that people do but it somehow feels out of character for me. I guess it’s because I’ve been with my boyfriend for so long and I’m used to doing things my own way. I’m pretty girly and I guess I can be sentimental and all that but I’m not into any of that traditional romantic stuff. Like when another woman gets flowers at work everyone goes apeshit but if my bf sent me some I would be totally mortified, and I have no desire to receive the latest fad jewelry from Jared or whatever. 

    I wish i didn’t have to GET married to BE married. I just want it to happen without people noticing. lol.

    Post # 29
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    You mention premarital counseling above. Premarital counseling is not for fixing a current relationship. It’s for giving you tools to help keep your marriage healthy when you do have problems in the future. It can give you tools, but if you’re currently having trouble you should schedule relationship therapy. Not to be a negative person, but if you’re having trouble now, do you think it will get better after the wedding? Take some tiem to yourself and reflect on this. Getting into marriage is a lot easier than getting out. Weddings are fun, but their purpose is the marriage. Sorry again for seeming negative.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1720 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    You don’t have to feel like you can’t live without him.  I can live without Fiance but I sure as hell don’t want to.  I guess my main question for you is how would you feel if tomorrow your relationship ended?  I’m sure you would be okay and continue living just fine but how would you feel?  I personally can’t even contemplate how I would feel because it is that scary to me, I have never thought of my Fiance as a guy I could just leave because he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I really can’t connect to you because I feel like if you want to actually marry someone and spend your life with someone, leaving wouldn’t be an easy option even if you were just dating.  When we were just dating, I never thought “O if I’m not happy then I’ll just leave” I would have worked through our problems, maybe for the first year I thought that but after that I was invested and was very much in love with him.  Another reason I feel like I can’t relate is because I have also been with my Fiance 5 years and even though we are out of the honeymoon stage and are in a routine I am still very much in love with my Fiance, even though we have our own things and aren’t as lovey dovey and spending 24/7 together I still very connected to him.  

    I don’t think you have to feel like I do, I know they are my own personal feelings.  I just could never imagine marrying someone who the day before we got engaged I was thinking “hey I could just leave tomorrow if I wanted to.”

    My main advice would be stop doing research and just focus on what you want out of life and if you see your Fiance sitting next to you at the dinner table 50 years from now.  It seems like you feel trapped and that is no way to go into a marriage.  Maybe marriage isn’t for you and thats OKAY but that means this relationship isn’t for you.  So stop looking at outside sources and look within yourself (I know cheesy but no one elses’ experiences will help you determine what your life will be like),

    Post # 31
    Member
    225 posts
    Helper bee

    @gettin_marrid:  you’re not crazy. There is an entire therapy site dedicated to people like you. I feel like I will go through those feelings whenever I get engaged.

    Check it out, it might be helpful. I signed up for the newsletter since I’m a student and can’t afford the course.

    http://conscious-transitions.com/ 

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