Post # 17
yeah, i see how that could be kind of upsetting. it’s inevitable that things will change with your friend, and it’s hard to know what to expect. i’m actually on the other side of things too – i’m pregnant and pretty nervous that we will lose touch with our friends and be totally absorbed in being new parents once the baby comes. we don’t have the most exciting social life as it is and already spend a good amount of time by ourselves, and i worry that adding a baby to the mix will permanently put us in an isolated bubble.
i guess all we can do is be flexible and understanding with ourselves and our friends. especially with baby #1 it’s completely unchartered territory, so everyone has to get used to the change.
Post # 18
Reading everyones personal stories is extremely interesting and helpful so please keep them coming!!
Ultimately I do understand why they wouldn’t want to come to the beach for all the reasons mentioned, but it did kind of sting at first. In my mind, at first glance, just being pregnant without any complications or anything wasn’t a good enough reason to skip out.
The point Mrs. Spring made about certain friendships lasting based on how willing they are to adjust I can totally 100% relate to because that is what happened to me after I ‘coupled up’ with DH. The friends I kept in touch with and am still close to today are the friends who were okay with me turning them down for weekend plans and preferring to do dinner during the week or group things that my DH could also attend. That’s changed now that we’ve been together awhile, now i actually enjoy ‘girls night’ much more than I did before since we’re in such a comfortable relationship groove. So I can see how that would translate into having a baby, how willingness to do kid-friendly daytime activities will win out over friends who insist on going to a fancy expensive restaurant. Unfortunately, these friends were always horrible about keeping plans even before being pregnant, so I don’t know how much good me being flexible will do.
And no, DH and I don’t plan on having kids anytime soon (unless it’s a mistake!) so I guess that’s another reason why I’m feeling a little panicked right now. because I know all of our other friends will also start to get pregnant in the next few years and they will all form some club I’m not welcome in or something.
Post # 19
Yes that does happen. But it is just part of life. I have been on both sides. A few years ago, my friends started to get pregnant and have kids and we started to lose touch. Well, we had always kept in touch but we just didn’t see each other as often. People with young kids don’t have much time to go to after work cocktail hours or for dinner and drinks on the weekend. Now I’m on the other side have a baby.
I’ve gotten back in touch with those friends who had kids before me since we have more in common now and it’s always helpful to know other parents. And I’ve also been making every effort to keep up and maintain connections with my friends who don’t have kids. I realize this is important for the sake of our friendships and more the sake of my sanity as a new mom. But it is tough…it is so cliché to say that a baby changes everything but it’s so true and you really have no idea how different life can be until you have one. All of the sudden the things you previously cared about are totally different. I still love going out and hanging with my friends, but there is a lot more that goes into it now. It’s not always easy to find a sitter, and the cost of getting a sitter for the night can easily double the cost of a night out. And for me, while I know it’s good to have time to myself, I do feel the guilt of being away from my baby, especially since I work full time. As much as I want to just enjoy an evening with my friends, there is just a lot more on my mind now. And it can be hard to have a conversation about something other than diapers, spit up and poop when your days are consumed by it! I think your friend forfeiting on a weekend to hangout just because she’s pregnant is a little extreme (if I were her, I’d enjoy all those spontaneous and pre-baby fun times while they can!). But it could be that she just has a lot on her mind now and doesn’t want that to weigh down the fun weekend.
Post # 20
I’m on the other side of that, too 🙁 I’m the first of my close circle that’s pregnant.
There was a time at the beginning of my pregnancy where I didn’t like to be around food, especially hot food, so going out to a restaurant was totally out of the question. Now that I’ve come back to the real world (the world outside work and my couch), I feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me or that maybe I declined invites for too long & now they don’t invite me.
Post # 21
For me I didn’t want to go out AT ALL when i first found out I was pregnant. I’m 100% sure your friend doesn’t feel normal. The first 13 weeks are the worst. You don’t look pregnant, but that’s when morning sickness and the exhaustion are almost too much to handle. I mean think of the worst hangover you ever had and think about how you feel when you are up all night and multiply it times 10 and imagine feeling like that for 3 months. That is the first trimester. It’s so horrible. i was totally blindsided-i had no idea it would be like that.
And it does suck in the beginning to watch people relax and drink wine and cocktails while in the back of your mind you are still getting over the shock of the pregnancy. I remember the first night I went out while pregnant, I felt like an alien. Everyone was talking about work, or whatever and all i could think was that I was growing a person. If she the first to get pregnant, she isn’t going to have anyone to talk to about it who “gets it”. Getting pregnant is really a shock to your soul, planned or unplanned.
So-in the end of my post, I am going to tell you that she is going to need a ton of support from her friends. Being pregnant is so so so hard. It isn’t just like you get fat, and can’t drink. It is one of the most emotionally exciting but at the same time physically shitty and all around scary experiences of life.At least for me. And then when baby comes, forget it. When she’s not taking care of the baby, she is going to sleep. But she will want to go out for a mimosa on a sunday afternoon!
And for me, while I know it’s good to have time to myself, I do feel the guilt of being away from my baby, especially since I work full time.
My mom always says she will babysit, and even DH says if I want to go out he’ll stay home, but the guilt is unbearable. I’ve been out (like full on out until 2AM out) once since Dear Daughter was born. My friends who don’t have kiddos do stop over on a Friday night before they hit the town, and we’ll have wine or whatever. And my friends with kids know how impossible it is to do anything so they aren’t mad. lol.
Post # 22
@moderndaisy: Im SO glad you wrote this post. My husbands best friend from home and his wife are expecting in December. And now they kind of suck to hang out with! I know thats mean, but for example we invited them to come out to DHs parents lake house for July 4th and they declined. They only live an hour from the lake house and we only see them a few times a year because they live 10 hrs from us. The reason they declined is because they have to spend at least one night with his family and at least one night with hers. Well, I could understand that but they live within 30 mins of each of their parents and see them all the time. I said to DH that I think now that they are pregnant they are more family focused and dont care so much about the friendships. It sucks! And it is going to change a lot. I hate getting older!
Post # 23
I’m with you. All of my friends had babies this year, or are pregnant.
My closest friend has a baby that is 6 months old now, and we still can’t go more than 90 seconds without her interrupting to talk about something the baby did. I’m not asking for nights out at the bar until 3 am – I’m asking for 5 minutes of conversation. Conversation that doesn’t even need to be about me!
And then I get the guilt trip. The ‘you don’t understand what it’s like’ – well, sure. I don’t have one. I don’t understand. But I’m trying.
I am thrilled that my friends are pregnant or parents. I love those kids with my whole heart. But sometimes, I wonder, doesn’t she want to talk about something – anything – else?
Post # 24
you can’t talk about anything else. i swore it wouldn’t happen to me and it did. It’s mostly because you aren’t DOING anything else though. I mean, we all talk about what is going on in our lives, and if all you are doing is changing poo and breastfeeding-that’s all you can contribute.
I would LOVE to talk about how shit faced I got on a Friday night (I can’t, I don’t go out), or hot hott the guy i saw at the grocery store is (when I’m at the grocery store I am trying to wear my baby while picking out cheese and fending off old lady’s with bad breath who want to kiss my baby), or about politics (have I watched tv recently? I have zero idea what is going on. I barely knew that OBL was captured and killed)
This topic has special interest for me because before I got pregnant, I never wanted to be around people with babies, pregnant people annoyed me because I thought they were all really over dramatic and into themselves, and I got really annoyed when people told their birth stories and talked about nursing or bedtimes and all that shit. And what happend? I have become exactly that person! So I have a lot to say about this. And the main thing I would like to say is:
If you get pregnant it will happen to you! MUUUUHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
PS-I don’t know why I picked a grocery store as my really cool place of social example. Probably because that is the only other place I go. LOL!
Post # 25
I am on the other side with being Pregnant, honestly its being tired all the time and having to be the sober one that sucks. I would just let it go, your pregnant friend meant no harm on turning down that weekend.
Post # 26
It is so much like when you’re the first of your friends to get married. Immediately, you kinda change and only want to be with your hubby (or baby), but after a while (a year or two) you get more comfortable going out alone and maybe even want that alone time with your friends. After the first year or so, I think a lot of people feel more comfortable leaving their babies for a couple hours to go hang out or getting a babysitter so both parents can go out. Until, then, it’s just an adjustment, and you all kinda have to work around it.
It sounds like you’re a really understanding friend, though, so I’m sure you’ll adjust just fine. 🙂
Post # 27
@flamingred – LOL. You’re right, if I do get pregnant it will happen to me, too. Thanks for replying. It’s nice to hear the other side without having to go there with my friends – we all know that would end in firey heaps of unnecessary friend drama!
Post # 28
Thanks!! Well, I really appreciated it when I saw certain friends being intentionally understanding of my situation and making an extra effort for me, so that encourages me to do the same for them.
I felt exactly how you described when they turned us down. Like not important at all. That was very frustrating and even though I’m over it now, I’m just waiting for them to use pregnancy as an excuse to not do anything at all, even hang out during the day at someones apartment.
Post # 29
I would probably turn down a beach weekend too now, being pregnant. I don’t drink but I don’t care if others do, so that’s not an issue for me. My body is just different and reacts differently to things now. I can’t take the sun anymore and get dehydrated pretty easily. Maybe she’s worried about something like that?
I’m actually the first of my friends to get pregnant, and I find that they’re the ones that aren’t inviting me places. I never drank but would still go out with them while they did, and now b/c I’m pregnant I’m not invited anymore. It doesn’t really make sense to me.
I’m expecting some friendships to change, it’s only natural. We’re at different stages in our lives, and have different priorities. They’ll be going out and I’ll be home with a baby, or at least making sure she’s home for bed time.
Post # 30
This gives me some perspective. I had a good friend, first of our group, who got married three years ago and then last year had a son. I feel terrible because I kind of brushed off our friendship b/c I didn’t feel we had anything in common anymore. I can tell she’s lonely right now, I didn’t realize pregnancy/children was isolating.