(Closed) Adopting a child from a family member?

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I had a teacher in high school who talked about how her sister had a baby out of wedlock as a teenager (I think this was in the 60’s) so she went to a “retreat”, had her baby, and her mother raised it as her own (grandmother raising grandchild as her own.)  The baby didn’t find out until years later!  They did not know their “sister” was actually “Mom.”

Although times have certainly changed, my teacher implied it was good for everyone- Grandma had wanted more children, Mom got to grow up some more while seeing her baby grow up and be involved, and the baby had a stable home.  It worked out for everyone in this case, at least it was implied so by my teacher.  I think if you can offer the baby a stable home, it sounds like a good idea.  However, that is probably an over-simplified response!  This is obviously an important, and likely delicate situation.  Sending best wishes to you and your family.

Post # 4
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

A coworker of mine has raised his neice as his daughter since she was a toddler. She’s 16 now and calls him dad, knows she was “adopted” but her mom was not in a good place to be a mom at the time. Says it’s the best thing he’s ever done. He’s since had 2 kids of his own as well … πŸ™‚

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Post # 5
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think it’s a wonderful idea.

Post # 6
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

My dad was adopted and there were always family rummors that it was form a certain fmaily member that had stayed with my Grandparents for a period of time (similar to the PP). His family refused to tell him the truth though and I know it has always bothered him.

I think this would be great for the baby to have a great home, but there would be so many huge changes as the child grow up. Would the child know “aunt” is bio mom, would your sister be able to take seeing the baby call someone else “mom and dad’.

This is such a big decision for all of you. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I love this idea. It would reduce adoption costs and wait time for you as well. I’ve known couples to pay up to 30k for an adoption. And you’ll be related to your neice/daughter.

Post # 8
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think it can be a wonderful thing IF all things line up correctly. Is your sister unable to care for a child or is she just making a rash decision out of fear? That would be my concern really. It is one thing to be unstable and live the type of lifestyle that isn’t good for a child and it is another to get pregnant unplanned and have to be a single Mom. If the whole being alone and possibly broke is the only thing really stopping her from raising the child I would be worried about how she will feel later down the road. 

With guidance and counseling for all parties it could be a wonderful way to grow your family πŸ™‚ 

Post # 10
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m the only biological child in my family.  My brothers are all adopted.  My oldest younger brother, who is 11 now, was adopted from a cousin when he was around 20 months.  She was doing a lot of drugs and in a really bad place at the time with her two other sons having been adopted by their grandparents.  I think it’s a wonderful option, but it can be a lot messier and a lot more difficult than adopting from a stranger.  It’s not easy.  Especially if your sister eventually decides that she wants “her” child back.  There are legalities to that, of course, but that can really damage the relationship you have.  

Post # 11
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

To answer your question: Yes, I know someone who has dealt with this. 

A few questions that I recommend you and your Fiance talk about, and then you talk to your sister about: 

1. Are you prepared for your sister to change her mind down the road? Knowing that you’re raising her kid might seem like a good thing now, but as she changes over the years, is she likely to want the child back? 

2. Are you consider a “closed” or “open” adoption? Meaning, will the child know who it’s biological parents are, or will you keep that from them? Will you tell them they’re adopted at all?

3. What are the other memebers of your family feeling about this? Is this something they can support for both you & your Fiance as well as the child? Will they stick to your wishes regarding #2?

4. Are you prepared to deal with the potential strain on your current relationship if the “family drama” of this becomes something your Fiance doesn’t want to deal with? 

 

To explain the situation I’m familiar with– a good friend of mine was in a similar spot as you.  Her brother’s girlfriend got pregnant, and had no interest in keeping the kid, but didn’t want an abortion.  My friend and her husband agreed to adopt the child, and decided not to tell the child who her birth parents were. When the child was 4, her bio-mom wanted her back.  She had since cleaned up her life, and was ready to try being a parent.  My friend took it hard, but wanted to let her be a part of the child’s life.  Her husband did not.  Eventually, the result was that the child was told who her mom was, but my friend and her husband kept legal custody, the mom was in her life steadily for a few months, but drifted in and out quite a bit after the child started school.  When the child was about 11, my friends ended up getting a divorce, because the strain of the whole thing was more than they could take. My friend now has sole custody of the child, and struggles with the whole situation. She hates that it cost her a happy marriage, but she loves the girl unconditionally and can’t imagine her life without her.

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I love the idea. I know a few people who have done this, for various reasons. I’m sure there are a lot of aspects to think about and decisions to make but it sounds like a fantastic idea.

Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I say go for it – but with family the urge to come back into the childs life may happen for the person who gave up the baby, unless facts are made clear right from the start

Post # 15
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

In some states they sign away rights within 24 hours and it is binding forever, in others is can linger for up to 6 months. I’d find out the legalities of this, it would put your and your husband in a bad place to have laws unfavorable to adoptive parents. Your sister seems like the type that may have a change of heart later down the road ykwim? I’m not sure where you live, but if you’d be open to posting the state and county you are in I’m sure I can dig some things up for you concerning that πŸ™‚ 

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