(Closed) Adopting when you physically can have children. Wrong?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

There are plenty of people who think they’re doing the world a favor by adopting healthy infants, when there are plenty of those to go around (full disclosure- I’m an adoptee who honestly does get sick of hearing other people tell me how lucky I was that my parents found it in their hearts to *rescue* me as a healthy infant, as though people don’t line up for babies). 

It sounds like your intent is good, and you have a solid understanding of the difficulties involved in raising a special needs child. It sounds like a wonderful plan.

Post # 18
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That’s crazy talk.  How many “regular” children are there that need families, let alone older children, let alone special needs children!?  I don’t think there will ever be enough willing parents to adopt the children in need.

Have you ever seen Martian Child?  I think you would enjoy it.  Anyway, this is a quote from it that I couldn’t agree with more. “I don’t want to bring another kid into this world. But how do you argue against loving one that’s already here?”


Post # 19
Member
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think its the most admirable thing to do, being able to bear a child or not. The only thing maybe you Mother-In-Law is thinking about is that you want to receive  an infant and matching your race or from a particular hot spot for adoptions ( Russia, China etc). Regardless many overseas adoptions take a long time to accomplish. I’ve known it to take at least a year , typically more. Perhaps she is thinking about how you take a place in line for those who absolutely cannot have children?

There is certainly no shortage of foster kids or older kids for adoption in the United States! 

Thanks for keeping an open mind and extending your hearts! Don’t worry about what anyone says 🙂

Post # 20
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

What a nut.  Adopting is perhaps the most wonderful thing, the most selfless thing you can do.  My Dad said something like that- he said adopting is like “paying the price for someone else’s mistakes.”  I disagree.  I see children as children of the world, not belongings.

Post # 21
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First I would like to commend you for being willing to take in a child that has no one else. It is an admirable thing. My brother too has special needs so I know how difficult things can be, but also how rewarding, when you see someone with no malice in them (one thing I have noticed about my brother, he doesn’t seem to know how to hate).

 

Second, your Future Mother-In-Law is waaaaaay off base. You aren’t stealing someone’s child, there isn’t a shortage of children abandoned or orphaned or neglected that need loving homes, and her comment about how you are “choosing to fight battles you don’t have to” just shows the malice in her heart. I guess to her it would be different if you gave birth to a special needs child because then the child wouldn’t be “avoidable”. Yes you are choosing to take on extra, but that is an ADMIRABLE choice, not one to be sneered at. It actually makes me a little queasy to know that she would look down on a special needs person like they aren’t worthy of a loving home ESPECIALLY with you having a special needs brother that I assume she knows about.

 

Even though I can have kids of my own I too plan to adopt. I am probably going to adopt an older child, because from what I read, after the age of 3 the chances of adoption drop significantly (like they do with special needs children). Do not let her tear you down. What you and your Fiance want to do is in no way something to be sneered at.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I just get all sorts of bothered about people looking down on special needs children or really treating any child poorly (and I include trying to talk someone out of providing a loving home on that list).

Post # 22
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I plan to have one kid and adopt another.  Why contribute to the worsening problem of the Earth’s overpopulation and diminishing resources if you dont have to?

Post # 23
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Dear Gosh I’m glad that not everyone thinks like she does! Or I would never have had a family. Does she not know that right now there are between 400,000 and 600,000 children in foster care? I say if it is what you want to do go for it! Adopt and have as many kids as you can and want! Who is she to tell you that a child is not yours because you did not give birth to them? I just do not see how someone can think this way. 

Post # 24
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Mrs Hedgehog:

I think you and Mr. H. are awesome for considering adopting, especially a special needs child.

It sounds like his mom doesn’t understand that outside of healthy, white babies, there’s a surplus of children for those infertile couples, and since that’s not what you’re asking for anyway, you aren’t “stealing” a baby from someone who “needs it more than you.”

And it sounds like she doesn’t want you and he to make a decision that’s going to cause you undue hardship. I think she expressed it poorly, but I imagine she wants what all parents want: a good, happy life for their child, with as little pain and difficulty as possible. And here you and her son are, talking about deliberately undertaking something that’s often a source of pain and hardship when it happens to a family naturally. I think that must be hard for any parent, even when their children are grown.

I think, since it’s early days yet, and all hypothetical, it’s a battle you don’t have to fight. And as long as you and Mr. H are on the same page, ultimately it’s your decision. I think maybe just planting the seed is enough; she has time to adjust, and if it happens in a few years, she won’t be blindsided. Try not to judge her too harshly, remember that for her, concern for her real, adult child takes precedence over a hypothetical future grandchild. 🙂

 

Post # 25
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This woman is off her rocker. I love the idea of adoption, and as far as I know, I have no fertility problems. (But then again, I’ve never tried to concieve.) I’m not ready for kids for another few years, but I’ve thought about adoption since I was a little kid. I think its unfair how many children have no homes, and reguardless of if I can have children or not, I will probably adopt at least one child. And since my twin sister is deaf, I will probably adopt a deaf child if I had the choice, and give them a loving and knowledgable home. I would suggest walking away from this one and not discussing it further with her, but I would have utterly exploded in your situation, and I’m usually a very calm, logical, and even-tempered woman.

Post # 26
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It sounds like she’s just concerned and has your best interest at heart, but she’s not going about expressing her feelings to you in an appropriate way. If it were my mom, I would tell her that I appreciate her concern, but my husband and I will make our own decisions.

Post # 27
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

There is nothing to handle, its between you and your FH. She has her feelings about it, leave it alone, your not going to change her mind.

However, when she mentions this part:We are “dooming ourselves” by “choosing to fight battles we don’t have to fight for a child that isn’t ours”…. She said it would be 100% different if we gave birth to a special needs child because then “God gifted us with the child he knew we could handle and love”.

I think ALOT of people feel this way and simply don’t say it. Especialy when it comes to special needs children, its a hard road. Its one thing to experience it as an sibling and something totally diffrent when you are the custodial parent, responsilbe for their well being 24/7. Also there are different types of “special needs” and everyone expresses it differently so what you expereinced with your brother is unique and buffered by your relationship. I have a relative who has two special needs children (bio) and its a frustrating road. When I have to spend a day with them I am so humbled by what she has to go thru. As compassionate as I am, I would be very frustrated to deal with it on a daily basis. If HAD TO deal with it (via pregnancy) ofcourse I’m gonna rock it  out, but I can’t say that I’d be comfortable taking on that responsiblity outright.

So I can understand her position as a mother and grandmother. No one willingly wants their children to go down a harder path. I understand the core of some of her reasoning, however, I don’t agree. Like you, I have always wanted to adopt  and was suprised when I shared this with some people that I assumed would be down with the idea. I was suprised, that they were totaly against having me having both bio kids and adopting. They thought that I should do it one way or the other, no mixing of the two.

Whatever, they can feel however they want, I’m not losing sleep over it nor try to debate them on it. Just live your truth.

Post # 28
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

She has a strange take on this. You are definitely not wrong. There are children who need good homes, but float through the system wihtout ever being adopted. There’s definitely not a shortage of kids who need good, safe homes. This especially being so for special needs kids and older kids.

I would just ignore her comments and not address the issue with her again.

 

Post # 29
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

While I agree with everybody that it’s very admirable not only to want to adopt but to consider a special needs child. I imagine your Mother-In-Law is misguidedly tryingto protect you. Most of the time parents want the best and easiest life for their children–adopting, adopting out of foster care, and adopting special needs kids are all very difficult and trying things–they’ll be an emotional, financial, and physical strain on you and your relationship.  Maybe she just doesn’t understand how passionate about this you are and how much you feel prepared for it.

I think it’s similar to parents saying that they wouldn’t want their child to be gay, not because they are prejudiced but because they know about the challenges they would face in that lifestyle. It might not be “right” or perfectly sane but I can kinda see where she’s coming from.

Maybe she’s heard stories about infertile couples adoptions falling through or 3rd world mothers giving up their children to shady adoption agencies. When the time comes I think you’ll need to approach it in a way that shows he you’ve considered the challenges and you’re going about it responsibly.

Post # 30
Member
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh my goodness. I completely disagree with her. I can kind of see where she could make that argument work in her head but it doesn’t make sense to me and I think it’s incorrect. I think that she is truly thinking of the two of you but she’s not expressing her concern well. I wouldn’t discuss it with her again.

I think that adoption is almost always a selfless way to go and it’s to be commended. I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a big announcement that adoption agencies have “run out of children.”

Post # 31
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

Is your Mother-In-Law usually this crazy? Or did she have a recent accident involving a head injury? Sheesh, this is just nuts. Kudos to you Hedgie for considering adoption. Ignore your Mother-In-Law, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about in this case.

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