(Closed) Adopting when you physically can have children. Wrong?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 32
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think that’s a great idea, and that’s something I want to do as well (just having problems talking Fiance into it!) but I’m sure once that child is part of your family she will come to love him or her.  Don’t let her comment upset you as you can see that everyone thinks it’s a great plan!

Post # 33
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Mrs Hedgehog: oh that’s right!  i totally forgot Mr. Hedgie is Jewish

Post # 34
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

W. T. F. She is crazypants.

1. The world is getting crowded as it is, so if someone wants to adopt children that someone else can’t/won’t care for instead of adding more mini people to the population, power to them.

2. Just because you have working girl parts and your guy has working boy parts does not mean you are required to try using them to produce a child before you consider adoption.

3. Just because other people do not have working girl/boy parts does not mean they are more qualified or deserving to adopt than you are.

Like a few posters above, I’m an adopted Bee, and I will openly say I don’t give a rats ass about the dynamic of reproductive parts and who “deserves” a child more than whom. I’m just happy I was brought up by people who gave me lots of love and had the means and the will to provide everything I needed to grow up happy and healthy.

Post # 35
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011



Post # 36
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I didn’t bother to read the other comments because I am feeling lazy today, BUT I completely disagree with your Mother-In-Law. My husband and I plan on doing the same thing: we plan to have two of our own and then adopt a third. I agree that it isn’t prudent to produce more offspring than to replace the parents in this day and age (although if others do, that is their business), but I’d still like at least three children.

I would continue to do what you plan to do.

Post # 37
1555 posts
Bumble bee

There are so many children who get lost in the system. If a family wants to adopt but can have children on their own, but want to adopt, I see no reason they should be denied the opportunity.

My SO’s mom had 3 boys and then adopted 2 more. The agency actually came to them about the second adoption.

Your mom is a crazypants. Just because you can have babies (Octomom) doesn’t mean you should. And just because you can have babies, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of one someone else had. And, just because another couple can’t have a baby, doesn’t mean they should get one.


Post # 38
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

That’s bizarre. I’m sorry. I think it’s wonderful that you’re considering adoption.

Do take this seriously. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be for everyone if she ends up favoring her biological grandchild(ren) over the child you one day adopt. Make this a calm, continuing conversation, and make sure that Mr. Hedgehog is involved. Explain your reasoning, using hard facts (number of children who need a home, etc.) and expect that it will take years rather than months for her to come around. If you can demonstrate that you’re calm, thoughtful, patient, and trying to make the world a better place (as opposed to emotional, argumentative, issuing ultimatums), I’m sure she will eventually support you in your decision.

I know you’ve probably already considered this and it’s not for everyone, but you might want to think about foster care as well. Obviously it presents tremendous challenges too, but for example you might try providing a foster home to a special needs child to make sure you’re up for the challenge, both for your own sakes and for your MIL’s. Of course you and Mr. Hedgehog know what’s best for the two of you and you shouldn’t make major life decisions based on your MIL’s attitude, but if he’s at all uncertain about the day to day reality of caring for a special needs child, it might be a good idea and could calm her fears as well.

I very much hope that she comes to appreciate what a wonderful thing you’re thinking of doing, and what a remarkable DIL you are.

Post # 39
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are a saint and if God has walked you down a path to show you that you have a calling to take care of a special needs child through adoption, then that is just as much your calling as anything else in life. 

Your Mother-In-Law will probably think about it more and come around to understanding you. 

God bless you!

Post # 40
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

We are adopting.  We have a child and could probably have another if we so chose.

First, I would say the decision to adopt is between the prospective adoptive parents, the agency they work with and the birth parents… No one else.

Second, I would say, I don’t think that adoptive parents are especially heroic or saving a child or anything.  I think they are following their hearts.  This is important for people to understand because adopting a special needs kid is a hard road and you have to do it because that’s where your heart is (which it sounds like yours exactly is)… so if that’s the case, Mother-In-Law shouldn’t be guilting you.  Adoptive parents aren’t heroes or self-absorbed.  They’re just using a different pathway to add to their family. Period.

Sorry, got me on my soapbox on this one.

Post # 41
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think your Mother-In-Law is being selfish for thinking of her needs and wants. I really think you should follow your heart.

@Mrs. DG:

I think it’s great that you are adopting. And i actually find it very heroic that you are. I think adopting is a great way to add to an existing family, or to start a family. There are SO many children in this world that need a permanent home with love, care and support, that will never ever get a chance to experience. 🙁

Post # 42
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hell no, adopting is not wrong if you can have your own children! I have no idea what would give her that idea — there are TONS of kids in the system. The only thing that I will kindasortamaybe agree with her on is that if you want to adopt a caucasian blond-haired blue-eyed boy BABY, then supplies run a little short. But if you’re open to adopting an older child — or, heck, even adopting a non-caucasian tyke — then it is DEFINITELY not wrong.

Post # 43
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I second many of the PP and I just want to say I’m sorry she acted like that. Honestly I don’t get it, families hear the word adoption and they flip out. I’m on the other side of this as I can’t have children so we are adopting and the ignorance and comments we are getting from some family is just disgusting. Needless to say, my children will not grow up around these people. Why should I surround them with certain people who will look at them different? Just bc I did not give birth to them does not mean my love is any different for them. I also don’t agree with those that say adoption is heroic or your saving a life of a child. Hell if anything our children that are out there waiting for us will probably save our lives.

Post # 44
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I don’t even know what to say right now. I was adopted and I think it’s perfectly fine to adopt children…. even if you CAN physically have children. Wtf?! I even think it’s fine to mix races (I’m black my parents are white). I understand that people may have a different stance, but it’s still shocking when I hear differently. Yes, adopting a special needs child is begging for hard times… but praise God for families who are willing to do this! Same thing goes for adopting an older child, they come with baggage and may even have RAD, not everyone can handle that! Caution people but don’t discourage them! Educate them, make them think about their decision so the adoption doesn’t disolve… but discouraging them and telling them they’re bad people is just shocking to me.

For the sake of your Mother-In-Law, I hope she was just being protective and worded it in the wrong way.

Post # 45
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Most of my thoughts have already been outlined by some of you lovely and intelligent ladies. And honestly, I am glad of it. Hubby and I have have always talked about adopting–using much of the logic you’ve offered up.

My Mother-In-Law went bezerk when we mentioned it. Her reasoning of why we should have biological children

1) Darling Husband has *excellent* genes

2) Pre-natals do great things for hair and nail growth!

Really! WTF? Sigh. At this point, she’ll be lucky to get a grandchild at all.


@Mrs. Meowerson: I told my (Jewish) husband about “jew-brain.” He kind of smirked and shrugged it off indulgingly. Not 5 minutes later, he asked me if I wanted him to grab me a “nosh” from the kitchen. When I laughed (he never uses Hebrew/Yiddish slang) he says “well. you activated it.”

Post # 46
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

(warning – I didn’t read all the replies so this may have been addressed already) Is it possible your Mother-In-Law isn’t comfortable with having adopted grandkids so she’s just making excuses to prevent you from adopting? I just find it hard to believe an adult doesn’t think there are enough family-less kids to go around…

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