Post # 1
I used to be a very regular poster and created this account during that time (deleted the threads). I haven’t been on in a while, but wanted some unbiased advice/opinions on a topic Darling Husband and I have been discussing and thought of WB. It’s not a short post, but I would really appreciate any feedback.
Here’s the backstory – Darling Husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2 years. We’re both in our mid-20s; Darling Husband is 26, I’m 24. Darling Husband just got his dream job making really good money and I am finishing up my Masters degree in May. I also work full-time currently, but am in an “overworked, underpaid” kind of position. With my Masters I’m pretty much guaranteed a good paying job, as the field is fairly lucrative but requires a Masters. We have been TTC since our wedding almost two years ago. I have PCOS and Endometriosis, and so far no baby.
That being said, we both volunteered at a foster/adoption event last week. There were so many young children (babies, toddlers, and up) and we were surprised. Not to mention, our baby fever kicked up. We’ve talked about adoption as a very viable means to becoming parents – I personally do not want to reach the “IVF point,” but am willing to try medications and go a little further in my TTC journey. That doesn’t mean, however, that we couldn’t adopt first and then maybe get pregnant later, if that is in our path.
Does anyone have any experience, advice or any thoughts on this? We are just beginning to explore the idea, but are definitely considering getting the process going. We feel like maybe our family or friends wouldn’t understand why we would adopt before “exhausting all of our options” trying to get pregnant, so to speak. That just isn’t something I feel is necessary. I just want the opportunity to be a parent.
Post # 3
@UnderCoverPoster12: I think adopting a child can be a very beautiful way to start a family. My only suggestions would be the following:
1. Make sure this something you both really really want to do.
2. If this is something you both decide to do then work with a well-respected Adoption Agency and lawyer. There are some who use extremely questionable tatics to get adoptions finalized, but I like to think that the majority of people will follow the current laws.
3. Do your best to make sure that both biological parents willingly consent to the adoption. This should really be the responsibility of the Agency and the Lawyer, but it’s always good to try and keep a close eye on this one – there have been a lot of stories lately where the baby has been put up for adoption without the father’s knowledge or consent; many of these cases have resulted in long legal battles between the father and the potential adoptive parents.
There are some cases – such as a pregnancy resulting from rape – where I strongly feel that the father shouldn’t be consulted, but I think if the child was conceived from a loving and healthy relationship that the father should have the right to say what happens with the baby.
4. Any good Adoption Agency or lawyer will tell you this: do not think that the child in question is your’s until all the paperwork is filed, stamped, and finalized – I think some actually recommend that you to consider yourself a babysitter until the adoption is finalized. Each state is different, but I believe that they all have a certain time period in which the birth parents can change their minds about the adoption.
As for your family and friends, simply tell them that there are many ways to build a family and this is one of them. My Grandpa once told us that blood is important, but it isn’t the most important thing – being raised in a loving and happy environment is. If you feel comfortable you can also explain that you intend to continue trying different paths to have a biological child, but that you both feel strongly about adopting a child who needs a loving family as well.
Post # 4
Keep in mind this is a Canadian perspective.
Be prepared for the cost. It is quite expensive to adopt. Be prepared that it is going to take a long time. It is also very invasive. The home studies are very much scrutinized interviews about pretty much everything. Oh you tried weed in college, black mark on your file. Don’t have a great relationship with your or his parents, black mark on your file.
I am in a position where IVF hasn’t worked. We have very seriously looked into adoption. In the end we have decided to not proceed with it. We have picked another option which is also somewhat controversial, international surrogacy.
Post # 5
I think that if that is what you and your husband are both agreed on, then it’s a great way to move forward. I think the posters above have some great advice for you. But I will say that if you want to move forward with this, then get started sooner rather than later as the process can (and should) be quite lengthy.
Finally, decide for sure what you want to do if you get further in the adoption process and then conceive naturally during that time. That happens more frequently than I might have thought.
Post # 6
I’m of the opinion that adoption isn’t a substitution for having your own child. Adoption comes with a whole different set of positives and negatives that having biological children does not. It doesn’t make it better or worse, but it means that not everyone is equipped to be an adoptive parent.
I agree with PPs advice, but I would add that the biggest question you should take time to consider is–Can I love a child that didn’t come from my own body, if he or she has health, mental and/or developmental issues? Sometimes you aren’t aware of these issues when the child is an infant (and Eastern European orphanages often fudge medical records/leave out important health information regarding the parents). How would you feel about spending thousands of dollars on treatment for a child that you didn’t give birth to? They’re uncomfortable questions, but they’re ones that many adoptive parents don’t spend enough time considering before they adopt.
I worked a nanny & translator for families that have adopted from Eastern Europe (where FAS is a big issue in adoptions) & many times that answer turned out to be ‘no.’ and the children were given back, adopted out to another family in the U.S. or even just treated like a tiny stranger living in their house (which is probably the one that upsets me the most out of the three). They just never get beyond the idea that the child isn’t “theirs.”
I think adoption is a wonderful thing if done for the right reasons, but I have seen it go wrong in so many situations.
Post # 7
One of my childhood friends adopted 2 children from Latin America and then had a biological child later. I think it’s nobody’s business how you choose to create your family.
Post # 8
@UnderCoverPoster12: that doesn’t sound weird to me at all. Honestly if it wasn’t so damn expensive I probably would have chosen to adopt instead of giving birth a second time. adoption is awesome, and anyone who would judge you for it kind of sucks in my opinion. I’m also 100% sure that I could love a child that didn’t come from my own body, the reasons I love my daughter have little to do with the fact that I birthed her.
Post # 9
@UnderCoverPoster12: One of my best friends had a very difficult time TTC so she and her husband went that route. Then 3 years later they successfully had their son. Their adopted daughter and their son are inseperable. They are so cute together and they have such a wonderful little family.
My friend used adoption star and they were great. Unfortunately adoption is very expensive and children are cheaper based on race! I’m not kidding. My friend was very taken back when she found out her daughter was “cheaper” because she was african american. She is such a wonderful girl and it is hard to believe that the children are “priced” like that. Adoption really is interesting.