Adoption or Conception. Which first?

posted 3 years ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
  • poll: Adoption or conception first?
    Adoption : (8 votes)
    21 %
    Conception : (19 votes)
    49 %
    Screw conception and adopt both! : (12 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    757 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    unicornsarereal :  no experience at all here, but to an outsider it really seems like have a biological kid is very important for you both. If I had to choose, I would try to conceive first and go through all the baby troubles (like breastfeeding and sleepless nights) and adopt a teenager later. You can always adopt but it might be easier to have your bio kid earlier than later

    Post # 3
    Member
    1042 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    It sounds like you’re just not in a position to deal with a baby right now. It’s easy for your husband to say that you don’t want to have any regrets in the future when he’s not the one who will be waking up multiple times every night!

    I’m approximately the same age as you (31), and I definitely want to have children eventually, but I know this isn’t the time for it yet. I’m prepared to wait a few more years and I don’t think it will be the end of the world; TTC at 34/35 is still very different from TTC at 40.

    As for the teenager, if you definitely know that you want to adopt an older child eventually and you feel like you’re in a position where you can do it now, I would go ahead and do it.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    having a biological child is world apart from adopting, I would try to concieve we might adopt if infertility has still kicked our ass by 35 but as PP said you can adopt anytime but having biological children is a set time frame

    as another option you could also foster, if you have great patience and are good with teenages you could really help many children that are stuck in the system

    Post # 5
    Member
    4233 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

    No practical experience…but I’d like to say a few words.

    My whole life it was my dream to adopt children. I had ZERO interest in biological children. My reasoning was 90% ‘why would I bring another child into this world when there are so many who need homes’ and 10% ‘fear of pregnancy and childbirth’.

    When I met Darling Husband we talked about children. It is very important to him to have biological children! He even offered the compromise of hiring a surrogate (trust me, it came from a good place). I didn’t see the point in hiring a surrogate because that is the still having a biological child.

    We have been married for just over a year and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant. I can honestly tell you that while I already love my baby with all my heart…I can honestly feel that I would love an adopted child just as much.

    PS: Women are having babies through their 40’s and even early 50’s now…you have loads of time!

    Post # 6
    Member
    3065 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    unicornsarereal :  I would conceive first because you have a desire to adopt an older child and you can’t hold of naturally conceiving forever. And also if you are adopting like a teenager you don’t need to have the same energy levels as you would with a baby or chasing a toddler, so IMO  best to get that over with when you are young 🙂

    I mean, you could have one child now and wait ten years and adopt an older kid if you wanted. 

    But there is also the issue that you dont want to be pregnant right now and have all the major lifestyle changes..so IDK. haha

    Post # 7
    Member
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    From what I’ve read, it’s really important not to adopt out of birth order. (For instance, if you have a 7 year old in the house, don’t adopt a child older than seven.) So if you’re hoping to adopt an older child, I’d adopt first. 

    I’d also have some real, honest, serious discussions about the benefits and challenges of adopting an older child with some families who have adopted older kids. I don’t mean to sound condescending and I’m sure that you know this, but parenting a child and teaching a child are two very different experiences, and older adoptees often face a particular set of challenges. Adopting a seven year old or a thirteen year old is no guarantee that you won’t have a few years of interrupted sleep! Kids have nightmares, they get sick, they act out… and that’s whether you have biological kids or adopted ones. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    325 posts
    Helper bee

    If I were you I’d read into the psychology of being a child adopted into an already established family or a child adopted into a family that later has a biological child. I imagine either situation can have emotional impact, and can’t help but wonder if it’s harder to see your new mom and dad make and tend to and love a baby that they are related to, while you (the adopted child) are not. Or if it’s more difficult to come into a family where a biological child already lives and try to figure out your place.

    This might help to impact your decision, determining what might be best for this adopted child-to-be.

    Post # 9
    Member
    216 posts
    Helper bee

    I have 2 very good friends that adopted first, and then concieved, one through the foster care system and the other adopted internationally.  They both have beautiful loving families that are thriving. My ex wife carried my first child, and I carried my second, So I have a biological child and an adopted child.  As far as the “having a biological child is a world apart from adopting” comment from a previous poster–I think that’s a bunch of bull hockey, and is pretty damn offensive to say to anyone raising non biological children.

    I promise you, anyone that has adopted children will tell you the same thing–the love and devotion you feel for your children is not swayed by DNA.  

    One thing I may point out, having a biological child after adopting an older child may be a great thing for your first child–growing as a family unit together can be a great unifier.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    593 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t get it why having a biological kid is so important to people. Parenthood is what you make of it, you can love a child even if he/she hasn’t popped out of your vagina specifically. 

    I say adopt now. That child that is destined to be your son/daughter is already sitting there, getting older without a family right now. It just breaks my heart… Just don’t hesitate, go for it! Don’t create someone that needs you, become a mother to someone that already is there waiting and wishes to be your child. You can conceive at any time if you want, you still have plenty of time. I voted for adopting both of the children. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    9391 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    It sounds like your Darling Husband has a strong pull towards having his own biological child from the baby stage, so I personally would try to conceive first. I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but I’m honestly not sure that urge is something that can be quelled by adopting a teenager.

    Plus you could always adopt a child a little later in life without the time constraints of fertility.

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