Post # 1
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
My husband and I are weighing the pros and cons of each and would love some advice about which to proceed with first.
I work as a full time middle school teacher and my husband works at a bank. We are a mixed race couple who both drive ~40 min to/from work. My career and students are very important to me and I give a lot to my job (time, energy and money). We have agred on raising two kids; likely adopting an older one and trying to concieve naturally for our first child (as I’m already almost 31). My fear and concerns with this are the following: once I have one naturally, we may be less inclined to want to adopt the 2nd one, I have no desire to be pregnant in a busy job where I travel 80 min a day, limited desire to have my sleep constantly disrupted for the first few years, etc. Our mothers also live 35 min and one hour away and will not be readily available to help with the childcare of little ones. Moving isn’t an option at this time due to career situations.
On the contrary I have considerable patience and understanding for teenagers, have been dealing with behaviours and emotional issues in youth in all my working jobs for as long as I can remember and it breaks my heart every time I read adoption profiles of older kids! Who, we all know, are much less likely to be adopted. I’m tempted to adopt first but my husband doesn’t want us to one day regret not having our own biological pregnancy. He is supportive of my adoption dreams, but agrees given my age, it makes sense to concieve first. I do agree with him in the common sense thinking of it all but …. I have worked with so many foster and adoptive kids and it honestly just breaks my heart to know some of these teenagers will NEVER find forever homes. So naturally I just want to skip the baby step and take them all into our home. Or even just one or two. Hubby stands hesitant about becoming parents to a teenager so early (he obviously has no idea how much work young children are! I honestly find them way more work, patience and energy than older kids!! haha). I do understand his hesitations but everytime I read an adoption profile, I feel more and more inclined to adoption.
Can anyone here weigh in on this? Did anyone else experience a similar unique dilemma?
Post # 2
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
unicornsarereal : no experience at all here, but to an outsider it really seems like have a biological kid is very important for you both. If I had to choose, I would try to conceive first and go through all the baby troubles (like breastfeeding and sleepless nights) and adopt a teenager later. You can always adopt but it might be easier to have your bio kid earlier than later
Post # 3
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
It sounds like you’re just not in a position to deal with a baby right now. It’s easy for your husband to say that you don’t want to have any regrets in the future when he’s not the one who will be waking up multiple times every night!
I’m approximately the same age as you (31), and I definitely want to have children eventually, but I know this isn’t the time for it yet. I’m prepared to wait a few more years and I don’t think it will be the end of the world; TTC at 34/35 is still very different from TTC at 40.
As for the teenager, if you definitely know that you want to adopt an older child eventually and you feel like you’re in a position where you can do it now, I would go ahead and do it.
Post # 4
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
having a biological child is world apart from adopting, I would try to concieve we might adopt if infertility has still kicked our ass by 35 but as PP said you can adopt anytime but having biological children is a set time frame
as another option you could also foster, if you have great patience and are good with teenages you could really help many children that are stuck in the system
Post # 5
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
No practical experience…but I’d like to say a few words.
My whole life it was my dream to adopt children. I had ZERO interest in biological children. My reasoning was 90% ‘why would I bring another child into this world when there are so many who need homes’ and 10% ‘fear of pregnancy and childbirth’.
When I met DH we talked about children. It is very important to him to have biological children! He even offered the compromise of hiring a surrogate (trust me, it came from a good place). I didn’t see the point in hiring a surrogate because that is the still having a biological child.
We have been married for just over a year and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant. I can honestly tell you that while I already love my baby with all my heart…I can honestly feel that I would love an adopted child just as much.
PS: Women are having babies through their 40’s and even early 50’s now…you have loads of time!
Post # 6
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
unicornsarereal : I would conceive first because you have a desire to adopt an older child and you can’t hold of naturally conceiving forever. And also if you are adopting like a teenager you don’t need to have the same energy levels as you would with a baby or chasing a toddler, so IMO best to get that over with when you are young 🙂
I mean, you could have one child now and wait ten years and adopt an older kid if you wanted.
But there is also the issue that you dont want to be pregnant right now and have all the major lifestyle changes..so IDK. haha
Post # 7
Member
2899 posts
Sugar bee
From what I’ve read, it’s really important not to adopt out of birth order. (For instance, if you have a 7 year old in the house, don’t adopt a child older than seven.) So if you’re hoping to adopt an older child, I’d adopt first.
I’d also have some real, honest, serious discussions about the benefits and challenges of adopting an older child with some families who have adopted older kids. I don’t mean to sound condescending and I’m sure that you know this, but parenting a child and teaching a child are two very different experiences, and older adoptees often face a particular set of challenges. Adopting a seven year old or a thirteen year old is no guarantee that you won’t have a few years of interrupted sleep! Kids have nightmares, they get sick, they act out… and that’s whether you have biological kids or adopted ones.
Post # 8
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
If I were you I’d read into the psychology of being a child adopted into an already established family or a child adopted into a family that later has a biological child. I imagine either situation can have emotional impact, and can’t help but wonder if it’s harder to see your new mom and dad make and tend to and love a baby that they are related to, while you (the adopted child) are not. Or if it’s more difficult to come into a family where a biological child already lives and try to figure out your place.
This might help to impact your decision, determining what might be best for this adopted child-to-be.
Post # 9
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
I have 2 very good friends that adopted first, and then concieved, one through the foster care system and the other adopted internationally. They both have beautiful loving families that are thriving. My ex wife carried my first child, and I carried my second, So I have a biological child and an adopted child. As far as the “having a biological child is a world apart from adopting” comment from a previous poster–I think that’s a bunch of bull hockey, and is pretty damn offensive to say to anyone raising non biological children.
I promise you, anyone that has adopted children will tell you the same thing–the love and devotion you feel for your children is not swayed by DNA.
One thing I may point out, having a biological child after adopting an older child may be a great thing for your first child–growing as a family unit together can be a great unifier.
Post # 10
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
I don’t get it why having a biological kid is so important to people. Parenthood is what you make of it, you can love a child even if he/she hasn’t popped out of your vagina specifically.
I say adopt now. That child that is destined to be your son/daughter is already sitting there, getting older without a family right now. It just breaks my heart… Just don’t hesitate, go for it! Don’t create someone that needs you, become a mother to someone that already is there waiting and wishes to be your child. You can conceive at any time if you want, you still have plenty of time. I voted for adopting both of the children.
Post # 11
Member
9893 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
It sounds like your DH has a strong pull towards having his own biological child from the baby stage, so I personally would try to conceive first. I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but I’m honestly not sure that urge is something that can be quelled by adopting a teenager.
Plus you could always adopt a child a little later in life without the time constraints of fertility.
Post # 12
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
karrotcakes : Your reply perfectly sums up how I am feeling about this situation! Conception just doesn’t feel “right” for me, both logically and in my gut. I know how many older kids are waiting in the system, and how so many of those will never find forever homes. Whenever I read a profile that really speaks to me, it’s all I can think about. I do not feel the same about little crying babies, haha. I have a limited desire to conceive a child. If it wasn’t for my partner, adoption would be a done deal, at least for the first and then go from there.
Thank you for so perfectly describing how I am feeling, in ways I couldn’t yet. I will be sure to share your post with my partner, to further our decision.
Post # 13
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
KatieBklyn : From everything that I repeatedly hear from elementary teacher friends who are moms and dads, parenting their own children is a much more enjoyable experience than deaing with 25-30 of other people’s kids, all with multiple needs, behaviours,personalities and challenges, in one room. This includes many teacher who like their jobs and enjoying giving back to the community; the reality is it is just a busy and at times stressful career, especially if you are in a challenging neighbourhood or high needs classroom. So I will be interested to see if this is the case with me as well! I really hope so. I really hope that I enjoy coming home to my kids most days, like my teacher friends do. I guess you can never quite know if you are going to like something until you have it. So it is hard for us to decide whether a baby or a teenager is a better fit for our family, when we haven’t had either yet.
Do you know why it is preferable to adopt within birth order? I am really curious about this now! Do you have any more information about this? I would love to hear. Thanks for telling me about this.
Post # 14
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
BookishBee : I agree fully, it is much easier for men to say they would like a bio baby first when they aren’t the ones carrying it for 9 months, going through the trauma of childbirth or having all the breastfeeding struggles like painful nipples!
One has to wonder if the roles are reversed would he prefer adoption for the first one after all?! Haha
Thanks for your input! 🙂
Post # 15
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
rcanlyn : Thank you for your input on this. It is sooo great to hear from someone who has done both! It sounds like you have such a lovely and special family. I hope we have this one day too!
I am so glad to hear that you think adopting first then conceiving afterwards could be a great family unifer! I agree that there would be something very special about this too. 🙂 I lean towards this order (adopt 1st then reassess for child #2) as it is what feels right for me at this time, but my partner leans toward the opposite.
How did your bio and adoptive children get along at first and now? These are the kinds of things I worry about! Another poster on this forum commented about the importance of adopting in birth order, which I didn’t know was a thing. I wonder if others put importance on this factor when adopting too.