Adoption or Conception. Which first?

posted 3 years ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
  • poll: Adoption or conception first?
    Adoption : (8 votes)
    21 %
    Conception : (19 votes)
    49 %
    Screw conception and adopt both! : (12 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Sure – here is one perspective that discusses going against the conventional wisdom/experts recommendations about adopting in birth order: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/out-of-birth-order-adoption/

    Here are some perspectives from families on the adoption.org message board: https://adoption.com/forums/thread/393600/adopting-fostering-out-of-birth-order/

    Here’s a personal blog post discussing some advice for creating a successful out-of-birth-order adoption: https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/adopting-out-of-birth-order-4004/

     

    Its not so much that you CAN’T do it, but it seems to create extra challenges – so if you can avoid having those extra challenges, I think that’s something to consider when making your decisions about when and how to expand your family  

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    222 posts
    Helper bee

    unicornsarereal :  I have to disagree with pp who are saying that you can adopt anytime but conceiving has a limited time. Adoption has some quite strict restrictions depending on your state and there usually is an age limit which is often younger than a woman could conceive biologically. So doing some deep research into that might actually make the decision for you, and clearly indicate in which order you should conceive/adopt. An option is freezing your eggs so you can conceive later.

    I know Katherine Heigl has adopted 2 girls, the older one from Korea. Her parents had adopted a girl from Korea then conceived Katherine later, and she said she found her family dynamic so wonderful she wanted to recreate it in her own family. She ended up adopting her second child as well, though.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1408 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    No way I can tell what is right for someone else, so I will just offer random thoughts.

    I adopted my foster child when I was single. She was nine, so not a teenager. Wish I could have had bio child as well, but time ran out. My girl is in college now so I have gone through the teen years.

    Your willingness to take in a teen is wonderful and greatly needed. If you were doing this as a single mom, great, but as a married woman, are you sure that husband is up to and wants to do this? Teens from foster care can have ingrained behavior and psychological issues. The trouble they can get into is in often worse than what can befall little kids. I cannot compare with the diaper changing years because I skipped them,  but I can say that the teen years will be difficult even with a fairly well adjusted child. 

    Foster care in my state places a child with a family for six months before allowing adoption. I have seen three families change their minds before the six months were up. They tried, which is more than most people do. What if you are in this situation and want to go ahead with adopting but your husband doesn’t?

    By all means look into adoption–these kids need parents— but go in with your eyes wide open, not just thinking a teen is easier than an infant. It is not enough for your heart to break for these kids. Both you and your husband have to be able to provide them with the high level of supervision and care they need or you do them no favor by taking them into your home. And it is ok for you or your husband to admit it if you do not think you can.

    An infant will disrupt your sleep and your work outside the home. The question is whether that will continue to bother you or you will feel, once you have the baby, that it is all worth it. Can’t answer that for you.

    Take it from someone who ran out of time, you do not have plenty of time. For every woman conceiving in forties or fifties, there are many unable to conceive. Late forties or fifties, almost always another woman’s eggs. No simple process, could be years of trying different things without success.

    You do not have to have a biological child if you don’t want one, but don’t be misled about the timeline.

    Post # 21
    Member
    608 posts
    Busy bee

    unicornsarereal :  I just wanted to weigh in as a former adoption professional, KatieBklyn : is absolutely correct. Not only is it not advisable from a social work/research perspective to adopt out of birth order, you may run into pretty significant resistence from the adoption authorities in your state/province who may not even allow you to do it. 

    Some exceptions can be made depending on circumstances, so it would be best to contact the adoption authorities in your area to learn more about the requirements for adopting.  Don’t forget to ask about post-adoption supports such as counselling services, financial supports for any health issues that the child may have, etc. There are often subsidies available when families adopt older children to help adoptive parents adjust to the child’s special needs.  

    I would also advise that you connect with an organization in your area that helps support families interested in adopting older children.  There you will find lots of resources, especially the “what to expect” information which is particularly helpful when adopting an older child.  Kids who are in the care of the state absolutely need stable, loving homes due to the trauma that they’ve experienced in their lives.  

    All the best to you and good luck! 

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