(Closed) Adoption Story (long)

posted 5 years ago in Wellness
Post # 2
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee

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apothicadiamond:  First of all, big hugs to you. I’m sure this is all so difficult to process. 

I’ve never been in your situation, so I’m not really sure how I’d feel if I were you. But you seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on how your adoptive family would feel if you sought out your birth mother. Don’t worry about how they’d feel. I think it’s completely natural for someone to want to meet the person who gave them life. It’s natural to want to see her, to hear her side of the story, etc. If your adoptive family doesn’t understand and respect that, I’d be shocked. I’m sure they’d understand. It’s only natural to be curious. 

My bigger concern, though, is your Fiance. He is dismissing your feelings and that’s not ok. Is he typically like that? He should support you, allow you to vent, and comfort you. I’d be having a talk with him about that if I were you. It’s not ok. 

If you want to seek out your birth mom, please do. Perhaps it will bring you some sense of closure. You can explain to your adoptive family why you want to do it, and ask for their respect and support. I’m sure they’ll gladly have your back. Good luck, bee. 

Post # 3
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It is such a shame you have to go through this bee. I am not sure if I can relate enough so take this as much as you want. I am not adopted but I do have a significant part of my family Out there that I do not know. 

That would be shocking for you to hear. You have every right to feel how you do. Has your adopted family say they won’t or be hurt? You have every right to explore your birth mother of you want. 

as for your SO. Sometimes people have a difficult time being empathic to things they have not experienced. It is probably uncomfortable for him because he cannot relate and maybe wants to avoid conflict with a family he could possibly be apart of.

Post # 4
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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apothicadiamond:  I learned when I was a teenager that my dad had a son out of wedlock when he was in his twenties.  It would be much much harder for me to find my brother than him to find me.  I would give anything to meet him.  

Post # 5
Member
649 posts
Busy bee

Adult adoptees face far more challenges than many people realise. I don’t have any direct advice, but if I could recommend a website with a forum that may be able to help – Adult Adoptees Advocating For Change (AAAFC). If you google that you may find others with similar issues. 

Post # 6
Member
1688 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You knew you were adopted already though… Right? Or is that part of what they sprang on you? Either way, this is so tough. To answer your questions:

1. Is this is a big and difficult thing for someone to go through (I’m just not getting the validation from FI)

YES! People who aren’t adopted themselves are often pretty clueless about how emotional these things can be. I’ve had to call my Fiance on it plenty of times when he’s tried to tell me certain things about it. There’s a lot of feelings and that’s okay.

2. How would your SO handle something you needed his support on?

When I’ve needed him he’s always been there. I think a lot of the reason we’re even together is because of how wonderful he was without even realising it when my dad was dying of cancer (a hail Mary chemo attempt worked and he actually recovered, though!). He is just there when I need to talk, when I need to cry, when I need to drink, whatever I need to do when I’m dealing with shit, but still makes sure I don’t stray too far while working through things.

3. Why does my Fiance always support other people before me? He is not taking into consideration how I feel at all

He probably doesn’t get it. I find that when my Fiance is being obtuse, it usually takes me standing in front of him crying and explaining what the issue is for like a half hour before he gets it. After that he’s usually on my side, but it does take a lot out of me to get him there.

If you want to find your birth mother you should do it. I didn’t find what I was expecting, but I’m still glad I did it. I tried to have a relationship with them but it doesn’t really work for us. My younger half sister is completely disinterested in me, and my birth mother wants to have a mother-daughter relationship and that is just not going to happen because I have fantastic parents already, and that’s not at all the relationship I want with her. (I’m actually quite nervous for my wedding… She, her mother, and my sister are all invited and I’m worried about how that will go. Also, I don’t know anything about your situation, but I know that there have been a few lies about who my birth father is, and I still don’t know the right answer and likely never will… So take the policeman story with a grain of salt.

Good luck with all of this, that’s a lot to deal with. I hope your SO gets on the same page as you!

Post # 8
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

There’s definitely not one answer! I think you are entitled to feel how you want to feel and make your own decisions on what will bring you to the place you want to be. 

My story isn’t quite to the depth of yours, but I recently found out that my mother gave me up for adoption for the first month of my life. Then she decided she couldn’t go through with it and took me back. Explains why there are no newborn photos of me! Anyways. In my situation I chose to just shut it up around her and respect my mom’s feelings because I knew that she had an intense amount of guillt about it. I have talked about it with a few people and I’m at peace with it. We even laugh about it because my name in my adoptive home was the female version of my SO’s name. 

Post # 9
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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apothicadiamond:  I can understand why it is a shock to learn all this at 28.  I am also adopted, have a half sister out there somewhere 2 years older than me.  But I’ve known this since I was a child. I don’t know all the exact reasons why I was given up, but I think it was due to the fact my birth mother wasn’t married to my birth father and couldn’t care for 2 babies on her own.  The way I look at it is that she gave me up out of the goodness of her heart hoping another family would be able to care for me better than herself.  

I can’t give any guidance on how you should feel because everyone reacts differently especially when you find out more of the story. With myself, it doesn’t really matter why my birth mother gave me up, but I know it was done with the best intentions. As for contacting your birth mother, that can go either way. You take the risk of finding a receptive connection, or finding that she doesn’t want a relationship since who knows where she is at right now. (Maybe she has a new family and never told them)  I have gotten a copy of my birth certificate with my birth mother’s name and have sat on it for about 6 months now not really sure if I want to contact her or not. Thats a personal choice that only you can answer.  Some people are shocked that I have never actively found my “Real” parents because they can’t understand not knowing their “real” parents. They don’t get that my adoptive parents ARE my “real” parents. Whether or not I ever contact my birth mother, I just don’t know.  

As far as support from your Fiance, not everyone understands or knows how to react to the conflicted feelings when you bring up birth parents. Is this just a one-time thing where he is not being receptive?  You mention he always puts others before you…which is an issue.  

Post # 10
Member
911 posts
Busy bee

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apothicadiamond:  I am sorry for what you are going through. You will figure things out concerning your family.  

Of course your boyfriend is being very dismissive.  That is not very helpful.  I’d be concerned about his behavior too. What you are going through is normal,  but his reaction is at least cause for concern.  All the best.

Post # 11
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

It is natural to be curious. And it is entirely up to you how you would like to proceed. Perhaps your adoptive mum was inquiring about how you felt because if you’d like to meet your birth mother, she has information that may help.

I haven’t seen my biological father since I was two. I know his full name, and that’s it. I do not care to know him or anything about him. He is a felon, and has done some horrendous things. Any medical concerns I may have I can be tested for. I will not contact nor speak to him in any way. Everyone is different, and you desiring to meet your biological family is not abnormal.

Good luck, with whatever you decide. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

First, you are not crazy for feeling this way. Let me say that again, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR FEELING THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING!!! Adoption (and donor conception) is tricky and full of emotions. Please seek out a therapist that speciaizes in these issues to help you work through your feelings. 

If you want to find out more about your Birth Mom, that is okay. Your Mom (not Adoptive Mom, she is your Mom) probably also has complex feelings about your Birth Mom. But she has to have anticipated that you might want to find out more. I’m carrying a baby created from a Donor Egg. The issues around donor conception are similar to adoption. My child will always know where he came from and his story. And some day he might want more information. And as scary is that is for me, I will help and support him in any way that I can. Because I love him and I know that no DNA bond can take away what we have. Trust that your Mom will also find a way to support you on your journey too. 

As for your Fiance, sometimes men can just be stupid when it comes to emotions. We had a stillbirth earlier this year. DH’s way of grieving was to be logical and tell me all the logical ways I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was feeling. It took some time and a HUGE break down (sobbing, ugly crying, yelling, etc) for him to finally  understand. And I had to tell him what I needed from him (act like this, do this, don’t say or do that). 

So keep trying to explain to your Fiance what you are feeling. And tell him what you need from him. 

Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
7995 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are entitled to feel any way you want to feel. But I wonder if what your husband is getting at is that in the end there may be a lot of ruffled feathers and hurt feelings and not the desired results you are expecting. Like maybe he is envisioning your adopted parents being hurt and your birth mom rejecting you and refusing a relationship. To him it might seem like too much trouble. Which is NOT a reason for you not to do it- if you want to. He needs to be more supportive of you.

Post # 14
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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apothicadiamond:  first off, big hugs. That is hard things for anyone to hear, and hard for anyone to deal with. It is normal to need time, space and information to process this stuff and understand it. 

Second off – there are bound to be some organizations in your area that can help you; someone posted a link to an adult adoptee group. They can probably help you find a local counsellor and access help for dealing with this. you need to know that you are not alone, you are completely normal, and you can face this and get through it because others have. It won’t necessarily be easy or a walk in the park but you can do it.

third – if I were in your shoes, I would try to read books written by other adoptees where they talk about their struggles. I read one this year by Jennifer Teege, who realized as an adult that her birth mother had been the only daughter of Ammon Goethe, the Nazi commandant known as The Butcher of Plaszow (and portrayed in the movie Schindler’s List). I read her book because I was trying to understand more about the Holocaust after a visit to Poland, but she also talks a lot about how being adopted affected her in general, the severe depression she dealt with before and after discovering she (a woman with a Nigerian father) had also the DNA of one of the most cruel men of the 20th century coursing through her veins). She talks about how her husband stepped up to help her, how her depression affects/affected her children, and a bit about how she deals with the impact of this on her own children. It’s a great book and I recommend it – it is called “my grandfather would have shot me.”

Post # 15
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My only advice is to be ready for anything No matter your choice. I have a dear friend who gave a child up for adoption and she actually dreads the day that her daughter could find her due to the fact that she conceived through a rape. She never wanted children to begin with but due to her upbringing didnt feel abortion was a option. She gave the adopted parents all of her family’s medical history, asked them to respect her privacy to not share her name, and is hoping for the best.

I’m sure that’s not usually the case but it’s something I always think about when people are all about finding birth parents.

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