- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2015
I can always count on you for support but I am posting anon to protect my identity as it is a v.personal story.
I am an adopted child (adopted at 6months) and I recently discovered some information about my background. I basically found out that when I was born, my birthmother already had a 16month old boy with a severe disability (bone growth deformity) who was my half-brother. My half-brother would have died by now as people with the disease typically live 12-15years.
I also had a different name at birth which was given to me by my birthmother and my natural father was a policeman who apparently doesn’t know anything about the pregnancy (I don’t believe this statement). My parents apparently knew each other 4years but the relationship ended when she found out she was pregnant. I believe (being where I’m from and it being 1980’s when I was born) I was given away more so because it would have been a shame in the community for a policeman especially to have a child out of wedlock….especially to someone with a child. Though the letter states that I was given away because my half-brother needed her full love and attention and she did not want to leave me deprived I am sure this is not the only reason I was given up.
My parents have now only decided to share the information with me at age 28 as they have never felt I was mature enough. And because I am getting married and thinking about children, they needed to share the info with me as I could carry the gene which coulld mean my children inherit the disease my half-brother had, I have to go for genetic counselling with Fiance so let’s pray to God we are OK.
It was a tremendous shock and difficult thing for me to process – especially knowing that I have a family out there, knowing that my birthmother has lost two children and the sadness of what my older brother had to endure. I’ve felt a longing to be there for him and cradle him. I’ve felt confused about the relationship between my birth mother and father but I do appreciate that I have a lot more information about myself than some adoptees.
My real reason for writing is to get a general concensus on how I should feel about this. For me, finding this out has been incredibly draining and has evoked many different emotions. Fiance and family don’t really see it as an issue. I expressed to Fiance how sad I was about my birthmother and he only told me I shouldn’t bother finding her – it would upset my adoptive family. I want him to empathise with me but he just doesn’t, am I overeacting to something which isn’t such a big deal? My parents have asked me if I have felt better since finding all of this information out but the reality of why I was adopted is just a lot sadder than I imagined. I am not supposed to feel better. My adoptive mother just asked me this weekend if it made me want to find my birthmother and I just say ‘no’ because I don’t want to break her heart by saying I am curious.
I thought I could vent to Fiance but he keeps cutting me off from talking about it and telling me to go get tested but finding my family would break my adoptive family’s heart. I just want to know your opinions on my situation:
1. Is this is a big and difficult thing for someone to go through (I’m just not getting the validation from FI)
2. How would your SO handle something you needed his support on?
3. Why does my Fiance always support other people before me? He is not taking into consideration how I feel at all