(Closed) Adults-only wedding, siblings are angry.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

For the life of me I don’t understand this. 

And I say this as someone who had a VERY kid friendly wedding and as someone who loves kids to bits. But that was MY choice for my wedding, this doesn’t mean I’m in any way against child-free weddings. 

And frankly, kids don’t mind being left out of weddings. If they’re babes in arms, they’re too young to know what’s going on anyway. And if they’re school age kids they’d probably prefer to be home having a pizza and video games and popcorn and DVDs night with a babysitter. 

I can only understand a parent being upset if other kids are invited and their own kids have been singled out in their exclusion. Otherwise IMO they’re a little too used to having things their own way all the time and don’t mind creating drama to get it. 


Post # 3
1378 posts
Bumble bee

This is very common. When you choose not to include certain members of the family there will be backlash. You chose not to include their kids, they can choose not to come. It sucks but they are entitled to their feelings. 

Of course they could handle it differently. If my brother chose not to invite his neices and/or nephews to his wedding i would be upset too but I would probably just go to the wedding and leave the kids at home with husband. I wouldn’t make a big deal put of it because it would be his choice.

But I’m sorry bee, I don’t think there is anything you can do except accept the consequences.

Post # 4
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I am at a loss too – I am a parent (my kids are in college) and I would have never brought my kids at that age to a wedding.  Perhaps a compromise:  They can be in photos (I bet that is what the siblings really want) then they leave.  A 1 and 4 year old are gonna be VERY restless at a wedding.  They SHOULD NOT be at the reception no matter what.

The risk with my suggestion is your sibs will think “Well we are here, let’s bring them into the church, what is she gonna do?”

It also sounds like there is a lot more going on here – your sibs are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Did you talk to them about a compromise?  Do you want to?  I am sorry you are going through this, weddings truly bring out the worst in some people.  

If they say “Let’s bring them to the wedding but if they can’t come to the reception we ALL leave” are you gonna be okay with that?

Post # 5
155 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
jackiegran :  

What would stubborn me do – keep the no kid rule and tell them that you want them there but at the end of their day it is their choice whether they want to support you on YOUR day or not?

But if you were a friend I would ask what is more important to you, no kid rule or pleasing your family and having them there (even if they are being shockingly awful and selfish). 

I really am sorry bee.

Post # 6
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Realistic opinion: Looks like you are out-numbered. The compromise here would be, if any of the children cries or screams or pitches a fit during the day, they will be taken to another room to calm down. That is about the best I can see you getting from this selfish group.

It is a fight that could reverberate for years, and you will get very tired of being accused of destroying the family. It isn’t the thing to dig your heels in and assert your rights about. They are already in charge.

People with kids this young always leave early anyway. Once that happens you are home free.

Post # 7
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Your family is being insane. I would call their bluff and stick to your guns. If your brother wants to throw away your entire relationship bcause you didn’t invite his toddlers to the wedding then that’s on him. Do not negotiate with terrorists!

Post # 8
673 posts
Busy bee

They are being petty and childish. This day is about you and yoru husband. If you cave and let them bring their kids you are going to look like a jerk to your other guests who you told couldn’t bring their kids. If they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that their kids aren’t the center of everyone’s universe then they cannot come, that’s their choice not yours and they have to live with that decision. 

Post # 9
6216 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
jackiegran :  Am I understanding that not only do they want them there, but they also want them IN the wedding itself?  Sorry, I know it’s hard to stand up to people you’ve never stood up to before, but now is the time.  “I’m sorry you feel that way. You’ll be missed.”  If you still want a bridal shower, one of the friends who is advising you to stand up for yourself should be able to step up and host it, since they know what’s going on. Your mom doesn’t have to do that.

I’d probably send the family a letter (it’s probably not good advice), stating facts only about the situation, to make it clear what your decisions are and why and that you will be standing your ground.  No one can take your words out of context if they are written down.  Your family demands they be included when they excluded you from their own events.  The hypocrisy is clear here.  I’m sad for your nieces but it sounds like you’ll be a lot happier without your brother in your life, if he wants to throw a tantrum over everything.

ETA: I’d probably be okay with the 4 MO if she’s nursing; that’s common sense.  Only I think at that point you really would have to cave on the other two as well.

Post # 10
3090 posts
Sugar bee

Wait…  are your siblings gs upset that the kids ate not invited, or upset that the kids are not in the wedding party? 

Post # 11
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’d stick to my guns. Firstly, if you change your mind, surely other family/guests might then be upset that you banned some kids and not others. Secondly, I am stubborn and never reward people who bully me by giving them what they want. Behaviour like this is more likely to make me dig in my heels. Thirdly – if they are treating you horribly, and have done so for a long time, will you really miss them if they don’t come to the wedding? 

Post # 12
5707 posts
Bee Keeper

Tell them it’s fine if they don’t want to come. 

But I have to say that I never saw the point of child free weddings. It’s a family occasion, not a dinner party, and children are part of the family. My family and my husband’s family always have kids at these things, and we’re not exactly country bumpkins. My kids were always good at weddings. Quite frankly, the most boring wedding I ever attended was no children, black tie and hideously expensive. I couldn’t wait to leave.

Post # 13
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Lol @ people thinking everyone else’s worlds revolve their children.

Stick to your guns. It’s one night and they’ll be able to enjoy theirselves and not have to carefully watch their children.

Post # 14
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Don’t back down to them. They are bullies and emotionally manipulative. It sounds like you’ve spent your whole life backing down to them. Well now seems like the perfect time to stop. Tell them they will be missed but you are done discussing it.

Post # 15
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

My brother in law at the time wanted to bring his child. We said no. Everyone knew it was childfree. He threw a fit. I put down my foot. My husband did too and he’s the one that really pushed the issue home.

In the end the child was not there. Win. 

Hold your ground. Be firm. No compromises. 

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