(Closed) Advice

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@reluctantbride9999:  I don’t think that relationships should be like that. If you feel you are not getting anything in return, you should have a serious discussion about it with him. Don’t let yourself be forced into something you don’t want to be. If he only recently got a full time job, do you pay for a lot of things for him?

Post # 4
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@reluctantbride9999:  

“He is a very nice man with a sunny disposition”

This alone is a major red flag. If this is how you describe your fiance, then I don’t think he’s the one for you. This is the kind of description you would give to the clerk at the grocery store, or the cheery postman who waves when he drops off your mail each morning. NOT the man you are going to devote the rest of your life to.

In my opinion, if at this early stage you are not sure, you need to take a big step back. Both for your sake and his. You deserve to fall truly and deeply in love with someone, and to experience what that feels like and the joy that brings. He deserves a wife who will want to be his everything.

Also, a lot of the examples you listed serve as a warning. If you can’t expect your fiance to put you as a number one priority, then who else can you depend on?

I hope you come to some clarity, and make the right decision for yourself x

Post # 5
Hostess
11633 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

@reluctantbride9999:  as hard as marriage can be, I don’t think anyone would want to do it if relationships were like that. One sided is no sided. a relationship that is right will be full of love and support that you don’t have to shame someone into. No, of course, it won’t be perfect. But it should feel like more than friendship. 

Post # 6
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@reluctantbride9999:  I’m so sorry but what you’ve described sounds like a long distant friend and not a fiance. A healthy relationship is equally loving, generous, supportive and simply wonderful. What is your gut telling you? Always trust your gut.

Like you; I was a late bloomer and I found myself meeting men that reflected how I felt about myself. If I felt horrible about who I was then I met horrible men. So the better I felt about me the better the man I’d date. When I loved myself I met the man of my dreams who loves me as much or more than I love myself. I was lucky that it didn’t take too many more tries before I met the man of my dreams. Blessings

Post # 7
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@reluctantbride9999:  Are you sure you’re not glorifying issues because you’re afraid of getting married?  

Post # 8
Member
8694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

relationships should not be one sided.  they should be 50% where each partner is working hard. you should never have to question his love for you.

a proposal after 10 months isn’t unreasonable but proposal after 2 months it.

if you are feeling red flags now, don’t marry this guy.  it will only get worse.

if you think you are both in it for the long haul, have an honest talk with him about the future.  if you think you need more, see a marriage counselor.

 

Post # 9
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

My exDH put himself first and thinks of himself first, all the time. (still does)  See, he is my exDH….and that is one of the reasons why I couldn’t stay married to him.

My Fiance puts me first and thinks of me first, all the time. See, he’s my Fiance….and that is why I’m marrying him.

You need someone to think of you, to cherish you, to put you first, to think of you...it IS the small things that matter the most.  If you don’t feel it, I wouldn’t marry him. Or at least, put off the engagement and see if this is something you really want. Give yourself some time to think.  If you aren’t feeling it now, you won’t be feeling it later.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@reluctantbride9999:  Are you in love with him? Do you think he does the best he can for you? Maybe you should try reading the 5 Love Languages…it sounds like you both have different ways of showing your affection for one another.

Post # 12
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@reluctantbride9999:  You didn’t say if he’s been married, engaged, or serious relationship before? How old is he?

I think if he hasn’t been in any serious relationships and he’s late 30s/early 40s, he might be “selfish” b/c he’s been on his own for so long. 

The finances thing has me worried though….if he’s older, he should have a plan for erasing debt. My exH was a big spender….not on big things but little things all the time. We had no savings and he had lots of debt. 

He promised to change when we separated…actually created a budget and was sticking to it until he figured I might not go back to him. He went crazy….bought a new Iphone, a new TRUCK, and showered his family with extravagant gifts. Then had the balls to ask ME for money! I knew he couldn’t keep up the change and I’m thankful I left when I did….he got himself in more money problems…and for stupid things like having 2 cell phone contracts!

 

Post # 14
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do think that in a loving couple, each person should feel and act like they want to put the other first.  

However, I also think that men in general tend to be a little more selfish and not as thoughtful as they could be, and so the balance is normally tipped a little bit toward the woman being more of the giver and the man being more of the taker.  It can help if women are up front about their expectations and not just wait for the man to realize things (because men are not the best that) – like “hey, I could really use some money for gas” or “you know, I’m working late on Friday, it would be great if you could make some dinner and vacuum the living room so that it looks nice for our visitors on Saturday.”  My Fiance doesn’t always think to help me out with stuff, but if I ask him, usually he’s great about it.  If I don’t ask him, sometimes he’s like, “why didn’t you ask me for help?” and it seems like he would have wanted to help but didn’t notice that I would need or want help.  Men are just not as observant I think!

I wouldn’t be too alarmed if there’s a bit of unequal treatment going on, just given the typical nature of men versus women.  That said, if the tip is too much, then yes, I think it can signify a problem in the relationship.  Therapy can maybe help with that.

Post # 15
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@rickhurst35:  I agree.

 

OP I was in a relationship for 4 years which sounded a lot like the one you’re in.  The last year of that partnership things turned very nasty which ended with my ex jilting me on our wedding day because everything was wrong.

Maybe this is the man for you, but perhaps you should take a step back and ask yourself, if your best friend was in your shoes, what would you tell her to do?  That’s usually the answer.

Post # 16
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling, & open his eyes to how things are one-sided. In relationships yes there will be times when things feel one sided, especially during job losses, illness, family deaths, etc. there will always be times when one person does more “taking care of”. BUT things should not always be one sided, and the other person should support you when you need support (like during your illness).

If you’re both inexperienced with long term relationships then it may be that he’s not used to putting your needs before his own, which NEEDS to change before you get married. Marriage is hard, if both players aren’t on the team then it’s not going to work out. I’d delay your engagement until this issues are sorted out. Also – keep everything financial separate.

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