Post # 1
I know in my other discuss I asked for advice since my maid of honor stepped down, but now I am asking g for advice on having learned she was talking about me behind my back for months. Her and I are supposed to talk tomorrow I am very upset she has been saying awful things about my fiance and I. She was accusing my fiance of things he never did. She was saying that we make her uncomfortable because she went to a taco event with us and she was third wheel. She was complaining about how she doesn’t like my fiance. She was also complaining because she felt I was too anxious to get married. My family doesn’t want anything to do with her because they were the ones she was telling all this stuff to and it upset them and made them uncomfortable. My family is also concerned she is jealous because a lot of her friends are engaged and planning their weddings and she has been with the same guy for seven years and he hasn’t proposed, but she has told him throughout that time she doesn’t want to marry him. They think she might still some feelings of resentment towards me. Do you think I should confront her tomorrow about the things she said about my fiance and I? Do you think she should even still be in the wedding?
Post # 2
vgrimes93 : if it’s true that she’s been badmouthing you and your fiancé, then no, she shouldn’t have any role in the wedding. Nor would I invete her at all without a clearly sincere apology. I’ve been that girl who waits years for a ring. It absolutely sucks every time another friend gets engaged but that’s no excuse for poor behavior. You have nothing to do with how her relationship is going and she shouldn’t take it out on you (if that’s the reason). As far as I’m concerned, she’s no longer your friend— unfortunate perhaps, but how could she come back from that?
I would give her the chance to tell her side of the story though, because sometimes family members and friends can exaggerate what is actually being said. It may be that she just said she was uncomfortable or bored at the taco event, or the pda made her feel like a third wheel, not that she thought horribly about you and your fiancé. In that case, she picked the wrong people to vent to and I would forgive.
Post # 3
vgrimes93 : She’s talking shit about you, and to your family?? That’s pretty ballsy.
I would definitely have a conversation with her and let her know you’ve heard what she’s been saying and that it’s very hurtful. Even if she’s feeling jealous or insecure that she’s the only friend left without a ring, that’s no reason to start being a shitty friend to you.
If I were you, I’d hear her out then decide whether or not to keep her around based on her response.
Post # 4
If it’s true that she’s been bad mouthing you and your Fiance, no, she should not be in your wedding. I would go so far as to say I wouldn’t invite her or remain friends with her either. Life is hard enough without having “friends” like that.
Post # 5
In your originial thread, I had advised that you see if there is something going on with her mental health, because sometimes people behave in inconsiderate ways because they are struggling.
However, there are limits on what you should be expected to accept and look past, and I would say she has crossed that line in a major way. Talking poorly about you and your fiance to your family makes me think she wanted you to hear all the stuff she has been saying. The girl clearly has some issues going on, but she is handling them very poorly and with no care for how her behaviour impacts you or others. That’s not OK and I would not accept that.
Give her the chance to explain herself and to apologise to you, and if she does and you are satisfied that she acted out of pain and is genuinely sorry, then invite her to the wedding, but at this point I think her animosity towards your fiance should revoke any role she was supposed to play in the wedding party.
Post # 6
I want to go to a taco event…
Post # 7
My fiance and I really aren’t into PDA so I don’t think that made her feel uncomfortable. In fact, the only time we really spent with her was in the car on our way to and from the event. We wanted to meet her at the event because she had to drive past the event by about 30 minutes to get to our apartment and she lives three hours away, but she insisted on coming to our apartment and riding with us which meant she was driving 30 extra minutes she didn’t need to. My fiance had also bought 4 tickets because she had told us another friend of hers was going to come with her, but that friend backed out last minute. My fiance did not ask her to pay us back for her ticket or her friends ticket. At the event, she spent most of the time in line for Margaritas while my fiance and I were going around trying the different types of tacos. Also, a month after the taco event she joined us for a food truck event. Once again, we bought tickets for four people and she came alone so she put herself in that position twice. She also said she doesn’t like my fiance and feels he doesn’t like her either. My fiance has done nothing, but be nice to her. He has paid for each event we went to without asking her to pay him back. Also, our wedding venue isn’t far from her house so when we were going to look for a place to have our rehearsal dinner he is the one that suggested I invite her to go with us because her and I don’t get to see each other a lot. If anything he has been extremely nice to her, but she hasn’t liked him for a while. I think a lot of it stems from when him and I first broke up a few months after we started dating which was nearly three years ago and he is the one that ended the relationship. After I got back together with him, she wouldn’t talk to me for about 1-2 months because she didn’t think we should get back together. She also was against us moving in together. She kept telling me how difficult it is to live with someone else and that she thought it was a bad idea. She has also said he forced me to have sex with him which was not true. I had told her when him and I were broken up that the first time we had sex I was nervous/scared because I was a virgin, but that he was understanding and wanted to make sure it was something I wanted. On the night we had sex for the first time, we had been making out and things were getting heated and he said maybe we shoud stop so that nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen, but she took that as rape. She even told my mother he raped me.
Post # 8
You need to remove yourself from this mess by not “confronting” or talking to her tomorrow. Nothing good will result from it, just some cattiness and “I never did xyz” and “I cant believe you did this to me” from both sides. Shes proved to be a backstabber. Block her from your life, uninvited and move on.
Post # 9
She even told my mother he raped me.
Unless you are (now) intentionally downplaying what your fiance did, or you intentionally gave your friend this impression when you told her about this at the time, this is a friendship ending move.
On the night we had sex for the first time, we had been making out and things were getting heated and he said maybe we shoud stop so that nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen, but she took that as rape.
The interpretation of what constitutes as rape can definitely vary from person to person, but if you told her the above happened, I do not see any way this could possibly be construed as rape. Since he suggested stopping, it would stand to reason you verbally consented to continue. Is this truly how you described it to her when you told her about it?
Post # 10
vgrimes93 : Woah.
These accusations she is making against him go FAR beyond just talking shit.
And her animosity towards him sounds completely unwarranted (unless you are leaving out a shit tonne of details).
Honestly, she sounds like a very toxic person and I’m not sure why you are even friends with her at this point at all? She has done nothing but disrespect your relationship from the start, has taken advantage of your fiance’s generosity, and then turned around and talked shit and made horrible accusations about him behind your back.
Post # 11
sboom : I have not left anything out that I am aware. I did tell her about my nervous about having sex with him for the first time when him and I were broken up so she was already angry with him because he had broken my heart. At the time, we were playing never have I ever with another friend and the topic of sex came up. I got really upset because him and I had just broken up a few weeks before and I had lost my virginity to him and I was still in love with him. Her and the other friend were also taking shots at the time because of the game we were playing. I wasn’t because I don’t drink. I have since told her numerous times that he did not rape me and that he asked me several times before we had sex if I was sure. His mother was raped many years ago so he takes those types of things very seriously.
Post # 12
Well at least now it makes sense to you why her brother called you specifically to yell at you. There’s no telling what she’s told him.
I personally wouldn’t have someone who gossips about me behind my back in my wedding party, let alone as a guest. And talking ish to my family….as if to start something??? Oh heeellll no!
I’d let her explain herself but that behavior is inexcusable under any circumstances. Listen to her but know you can no longer trust her at this point. I’ve immediately dumped “friends” after finding this stuff out.
Post # 13
vgrimes93 : Honestly I’m almost inclined to say this whole thread is fake if you’re actually considering if you should still invite or include her in this wedding after she falsely accused your fiance of rape. Why are you even agreeing to meet her? Send her a “bye felicia” text and be done.
Post # 14
When…did you hear about all this stuff? Today? Why was none of it included in your last post? How long has she been talking about you behind your back to your family?
Post # 15
llevinso : It was not included in the original post because my mother and sister just told me everything she was saying. After I posted my original post, my mother told me that my Maid/Matron of Honor had told her something very upsetting, but she wasn’t sure how to bring it up. I asked her to tell me and that’s when she told me that my Maid/Matron of Honor was accusing my fiance of rape. I also asked if she said anything else and at that point my mother and sister told me that she had been complaining about being a third wheel when she would hang out with us and how that made her uncomfortable. She was also complaining about me to my sister and mother after my mother went an hour out of her way to pick her up from her house to meet me and the other bridesmaids to go shopping. She also told my sister at that time she doesn’t like my fiance and feels he also doesn’t like her. When I made the original post, I had no idea why she would randomly drop out. I knew the things her brother was saying to me, but she immediately apologized and told me those things were not true after she found out he was texting me from her phone. She has been talking behind my back to my family since I got engaged in August 2018.