Post # 1
This is a very long story but I am going to keep it short, simple and condensed because I have already pretty well made up my mind on it I just need some advice on how to execute my plan.
I have been “Best friends” with a girl since highschool, about 10 years ago. We had a lot of ups and downs during our friendship because she is a very dramatic person that likes to fight a lot. She has been possesive, controlling and jealous. I learned to take the bad with the good. The last couple years however have gotten really bad, and I don’t think it is worthwhile having her in my life, when she causes me so much stress. But she is a very pushy person.
It started in 2013 when she was planning her wedding, she appointed me role of Maid/Matron of Honor, however the entire year she was cruel to me at differnet times because I was pregnant and she figured I should not be pregnant around the same time as her wedding it was taking away from her spotlight, (my baby would be a month old at the time of her wedding) but she also started to treat me like I wasn’t good enough to help with anything. She got another one of her newer friends to help with everything to do with the wedding, decorations, DIY, party plannig etc. I was pushed out completley and that really hurt my feelings. I did nothing as a Maid/Matron of Honor, but it was because they never let me. They both looked down on me that I wasn’t creative enough to help with the process. I actually really enjoy decor and planning…
Now I am planning my wedding, and she wants to “do it all”. Her and other girl, she ended up doing a lot of her wedding stuff with, I’ll call her Jane, decided to start a business decorating weddings, (I am not friends with Jane at all, and in fact I don’t like her because of how she pushed me out everything in my friends wedding last year).
Now everytime I talk to her, she says oh and me Jane have a much better idea for a venue for you, we can decorate it, we can do it this way it will be so much better. Due to a lot of circumstances I don’t even really want to be friends with this person anymore, let alone have her in or at my wedding. Or let her and Jane use my wedding to propel their “business”, which hasn’t really even started yet. How can I make myself clear I don’t want her bossing everything to do with my wedding? I have told her before, but she doesnt’ get it. Also what are some good ways to end a friendship gracefully?
Post # 2
hmm. Did you specifically ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor already? or did she assume?
If you have not asked her yet, I would simply let her know you have selected another person for your Maid/Matron of Honor by saying “oh thanks for the input on the shower, I’ll be sure to pass it on to Mary my MOH”. This will probably end the friendship, and there may be drama but it seems you are looking to end the friendship.
You could also respond with “thanks but I’ve hired a wedding planner and were going in another direction”. And when she doesnt get her invite to your wedding she’ll know the firendship is over then.
Post # 3
No is not a four letter word. Just say no. Tell her you are planning your wedding yourself and don’t need her help.
Then stop talking to her about it. If she doesn’t need to know, don’t tell her. Really all she needs to know is the dress and what time to show up at the day of.
Post # 4
Thank for your replies. 🙂
I never asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor she assumed. I have said no thanks to her so many times but she keeps on. She even blindsided me yesterday by calling me at work to say she had a better idea for the wedding venue.
I will try just phasing her out but I think she is the kind of person that won’t back down easily. I was thinking of sending an email but how do you say you don’t want to be friends anymore nicely? I guess you can’t really.
Post # 5
Has she been involved in your life much between her wedding and yours? I’m just asking because she seemed to push you away during her wedding because she worried she wouldn’t be in the spotlight, and now seems to be all about your wedding because of her new business idea.. seems very self serving to me. I would probably just distance myself (talk to her less and less, and perhaps not at all about wedding details). I’ve been “friends” with self-serving people before and once there’s nothing left in it for them, they tend to disappear.
Post # 6
Cut off all contact (don’t take her calls, don’t answer her emails) (Edit: except to say “no, not interested”) and above all, don’t give her any information about your wedding.
Post # 7
So you haven’t even asked her to be the MOH? When she mentioned it, what did you say? You seriously need to stand up for yourself. If you don’t want her help and you don’t want her in the wedding party, you need to do something.
“I’m sorry friend that you got the impression that you are going to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and/or in my wedding party. I have decided to go a different direction/not have a wedding party/chose other people. I am also sorry if you got the impression that you and Jane would play a big part in planning my wedding. Fiance and I are very excited about getting married and we will plan the whole day by ourselves/our own way. We hope you and DH will still be able to attend and keep an eye out for invitations around x month.” (Obviously leave out the last bit if you’re unsure of inviting her).
If she complains or argues, “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is my wedding and we will plan it our way by ourselves. Fiance and I are a team on this.” Rinse and repeat as much as necessary.
If she follows up later trying to fish for information or worm her way back in, “planning is going really well and Fiance and I are very excited to get married! So I hear you and DH are going on vacation soon, tell me about that!”
ETA: modify the above based on much more of a friendship you want with her. Reduce the above if you truly dont want any contact with her anymore.
Post # 8
“I will try just phasing her out ” You just know that won’t work dont you ? In fact it wil be just be prolonging the stress . Much, much better to do something like pp chocochai :
suggests. Just adapt the words to suit you and her.
Do it by email maybe – yes it will no doubt end the friendship, but there really is no easy way to do that, as you are aware.
Good luck, keep us posted.
Post # 9
I agree with PP that you should politely let her know that you’re picking someone else for your Maid/Matron of Honor (or not having one), thank her for her advice, and drop it. If that doesn’t work, time to start ghosting.
Post # 10
“phasing out” without ghosting is difficult, but In My Humble Opinion straight up ghosting is really hurtful. Personally, I think it’s better to straight up tell them how you feel than ghost.
Post # 11
She called you at work? She’s not even in the wedding? Oh hell no.
You need to start telling her as it happens when she does something that mad inappropriate. Take the call, ask what happened and who died. When she says it’s about wedding stuff ask why in the world she thought it appropriate to interrupt your work day for something she isn’t involved in. When you see or hear from her next tell her that she’s being over the top and to cut it out.
Once this happens a few times, (it will if she really has no boundaries,) then a conversation is merited. Honestly if you were close enough to be in her wedding you owe her ending the friendship in person rather than just shooting her a well thought out email
I had an old coworker offer to be my wedding planner before I got engaged. She was a nightmare and did things like this. Planning her wedding was the best time in her life because it was all about her. She’s trying to extend that by constantly planning a wedding. Don’t let her do that at your expense. Boundaries are a good thing.
Post # 12
Shut her down, and soon. It’s incredibly presumptuous to assume you’re someone’s maid of honor and then to basically trash your decisions you’ve made for your wedding because she thinks she knows better.
If you don’t have intentions of retaining the friendship then you don’t have to sugar coat it at all. Be frank and to the point – I’m sorry if you were given any other impression, but I’ve already selected my bridal party and won’t be needing your or Jane’s services for the wedding. If she comes back with anything, don’t waste your time answering and stop taking her calls. Sorry this is happening OP!
Post # 13
I guess she assumed that she would be Maid/Matron of Honor, because of our long history as “Best Friends” since highschool. Well that was ten years ago. And although we have been very close in the past, we haven’t been as close in the past two years. Since her wedding we started to drift a bit, and also since I have a young toddler, and she has a newborn. We don’t spend as much time together.
She never liked me having any other friends except for her as well, but I do have a couple other friends I am close with who I really enjoy spending time with. Whenenver I spend time with her I feel drained. Because she either has some drama to complain about, or bragging about her wedding business.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I am feeling really nervous about dealing with this, because confrontations with her can be unsettling, (she swears, says horrible things usually through text messages, or worse calls me balling her eyes out).
I think she is going to be calling me today, I don’t even want to turn on my phone. But I have to deal with this at some point so I will try my best to just be direct. Which I might do over email, because her Mom is staying with her, and she brings her Mom everywhere with her so I wouldn’t want to say it in front of her too.
Post # 14
Phasing out isn’t ideal. I’ve had a bestie like yours. I literally broke up with her a month ago. She was manipulative, insecure, always putting me down. Didn’t care about hurting me, when I called her out on it she brushed it off as if nothing was wrong. So I began distancing myself from her. She texted me about 20 times a day and phoned me everyday. She knew she was losing me, but wouldn’t acknowledge my reasons for doing so.
At the end of the day, what made her stop was when she saw I asked my other best friend to be my maid of honor. Then right then she blocked me off everything. I tried telling her how I felt before this, and she brushed it off and made me feel guilty because I was setting boundries.
If she can’t respect your boundries then she is not your friend. You have to set those boundries first, if she breaks them then its time to say goodbye. I know its hard, I was friends with this girl for 15 years. But as a person you grow, and eventually some people just stay stuck at some part, while you’ve sprinted far ahead.
At the end of the day, my ex bestie felt it was easier to put all the blame on me for a failed friendship rather than fixing the issues within our friendship.