(Closed) Advice about a controlling MOH

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

hmm. Did you specifically ask her to be Maid/Matron of Honor already? or did she assume?

If you have not asked her yet, I would simply let her know you have selected another person for your Maid/Matron of Honor by saying “oh thanks for the input on the shower, I’ll be sure to pass it on to Mary my MOH”. This will probably end the friendship, and there may be drama but it seems you are looking to end the friendship.

You could also respond with “thanks but I’ve hired a wedding planner and were going in another direction”. And when she doesnt get her invite to your wedding she’ll know the firendship is over then.

Post # 3
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

No is not a four letter word. Just say no. Tell her you are planning your wedding yourself and don’t need her help. 

Then stop talking to her about it. If she doesn’t need to know, don’t tell her. Really all she needs to know is the dress and what time to show up at the day of. 

Post # 5
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Has she been involved in your life much between her wedding and yours? I’m just asking because she seemed to push you away during her wedding because she worried she wouldn’t be in the spotlight, and now seems to be all about your wedding because of her new business idea.. seems very self serving to me. I would probably just distance myself (talk to her less and less, and perhaps not at all about wedding details). I’ve been “friends” with self-serving people before and once there’s nothing left in it for them, they tend to disappear. 

Post # 6
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Cut off all contact (don’t take her calls, don’t answer her emails) (Edit: except to say “no, not interested”) and above all, don’t give her any information about your wedding.

Post # 7
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So you haven’t even asked her to be the MOH? When she mentioned it, what did you say? You seriously need to stand up for yourself. If you don’t want her help and you don’t want her in the wedding party, you need to do something. 

“I’m sorry friend that you got the impression that you are going to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and/or in my wedding party. I have decided to go a different direction/not have a wedding party/chose other people. I am also sorry if you got the impression that you and Jane would play a big part in planning my wedding. Fiance and I are very excited about getting married and we will plan the whole day by ourselves/our own way. We hope you and DH will still be able to attend and keep an eye out for invitations around x month.” (Obviously leave out the last bit if you’re unsure of inviting her).

If she complains or argues, “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is my wedding and we will plan it our way by ourselves. Fiance and I are a team on this.” Rinse and repeat as much as necessary. 

If she follows up later trying to fish for information or worm her way back in, “planning is going really well and Fiance and I are very excited to get married! So I hear you and DH are going on vacation soon, tell me about that!” 

ETA: modify the above based on much more of a friendship you want with her. Reduce the above if you truly dont want any contact with her anymore. 

Post # 8
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

“I will try just phasing her out ”  You just know that won’t work dont you ? In fact it wil be just be prolonging the stress . Much,  much  better to do something   like pp

View original reply
chocochai :  suggests. Just adapt the words to suit you and her.

Do it by email maybe – yes it will no doubt end the friendship, but there really is no easy  way to do  that, as you are aware.

Good luck, keep us posted.     

Post # 9
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP that you should politely let her know that you’re picking someone else for your Maid/Matron of Honor (or not having one), thank her for her advice, and drop it.  If that doesn’t work, time to start ghosting. 

Post # 10
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
ilyik :  “phasing out” without ghosting is difficult, but In My Humble Opinion straight up ghosting is really hurtful. Personally, I think it’s better to straight up tell them how you feel than ghost. 

Post # 11
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

She called you at work? She’s not even in the wedding? Oh hell no.

You need to start telling her as it happens when she does something that mad inappropriate. Take the call, ask what happened and who died. When she says it’s about wedding stuff ask why in the world she thought it appropriate to interrupt your work day for something she isn’t involved in. When you see or hear from her next tell her that she’s being over the top and to cut it out.

Once this happens a few times, (it will if she really has no boundaries,) then a conversation is merited. Honestly if you were close enough to be in her wedding you owe her ending the friendship in person rather than just shooting her a well thought out email  

I had an old coworker offer to be my wedding planner before I got engaged. She was a nightmare and did things like this. Planning her wedding was the best time in her life because it was all about her. She’s trying to extend that by constantly planning a wedding. Don’t let her do that at your expense. Boundaries are a good thing. 

Post # 12
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Shut her down, and soon. It’s incredibly presumptuous to assume you’re someone’s maid of honor and then to basically trash your decisions you’ve made for your wedding because she thinks she knows better.

If you don’t have intentions of retaining the friendship then you don’t have to sugar coat it at all. Be frank and to the point – I’m sorry if you were given any other impression, but I’ve already selected my bridal party and won’t be needing your or Jane’s services for the wedding. If she comes back with anything, don’t waste your time answering and stop taking her calls. Sorry this is happening OP!

Post # 14
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
evianangel :  Phasing out isn’t ideal. I’ve had a bestie like yours. I literally broke up with her a month ago. She was manipulative, insecure, always putting me down. Didn’t care about hurting me, when I called her out on it she brushed it off as if nothing was wrong. So I began distancing myself from her. She texted me about 20 times a day and phoned me everyday. She knew she was losing me, but wouldn’t acknowledge my reasons for doing so.

At the end of the day, what made her stop was when she saw I asked my other best friend to be my maid of honor. Then right then she blocked me off everything. I tried telling her how I felt before this, and she brushed it off and made me feel guilty because I was setting boundries.

If she can’t respect your boundries then she is not your friend. You have to set those boundries first, if she breaks them then its time to say goodbye. I know its hard, I was friends with this girl for 15 years. But as a person you grow, and eventually some people just stay stuck at some part, while you’ve sprinted far ahead.

At the end of the day, my ex bestie felt it was easier to put all the blame on me for a failed friendship rather than fixing the issues within our friendship.

The topic ‘Advice about a controlling MOH’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors