Advice about a new friend (not a bashing post)

• beesinging
• 2 weeks ago

• Wedding: January 2018

You need to practice setting and maintaining boundaries. When 6 comes and you need someone to leave, smile and stand and say,  “Thanks to much for coming! This has been fun! Look forward to it again!” 

Tell her straight up “I can’t have you bring that in since my daughter is allergic. Please put it away or you’ll need to leave.”  Then enforce the boundary.

You’ve communicated the boundaries but there are no repercussions. Without that, she won’t stuck to them and you’ll and up how you feel now–resentful and mitt wanting to be get friend anymore..

I’d reply with “thank you for the apology. Our lifestyles are very different and I’ve find myself bending in areas that make me uncomfortable. I think our get togethers need to be limited right now.’

• sweatergal007
• 2 weeks ago

The food allergy thing really sticks out to me. I have deadly food allergies and setting boundaries for that can be a nightmare.  You really have to be very upfront and strict with that.  You can be friendly about it but you have to be firm. Like if you bring that bag if xyz allergen wet have to leave.  Especially since children don’t quite understand yet and will grab.

Like I know not to grab but also if it’s a place when nut dust everywhere in outta there. If someone eats my allergen and say teaches for my drink that drink is dead to me now even if it was an accident or a mistake. Nope. This isn’t about feelings it’s safety and I’ll order something else. These are examples only.  And not as relevant since I’m not going anywhere due to covid times.  But yea there’s an art to it and you might want to find other allergy moms to talk to. 

• BuzzedBumblingBee
• 2 weeks ago

• Wedding: October 2020

I don’t know what you mean by emotionally lashing out but a casual new friendship shouldn’t be that hard. It must be exhausting to have to set so many boundaries.

I’d let this one fade out, but that’s just me. You have a long list of dislikes about this woman. Not sure what you’re getting out of this friendship.

• peach11
• 2 weeks ago

• Wedding: May 2021

I agree with PP about letting this friendship fade out. 

Your friends should be your support network, not a cause for ongoing emotional aggro. 

If she was a lifelong friend going through a bad patch then that would be different, but this is a brand new friendship and it definitely shouldn’t be this difficult. If this were a relationship we’d all be saying “you’re incompatible, break up” and to be honest my advice is the same here. 

• mrsceebee
• 2 weeks ago

Your friend sounds incredibly toxic. I wouldn’t even try create boundries or rules, just don’t reply to her text and let that friendship fade out. You don’t need someone in your life that distresses you like that esp in the middle of a pandemic!

• j_jaye
• 2 weeks ago

I think there needs to be a lot more information before anyone passes judgement here. Like what was the issue at the coop that you raised? And with her bringing food, when and where is this occurring? 

Also if she is the head of the coop (which I am not sure what that is exactly) and you are constantly being negative (which you admit to doing a lot this year) she may be seeing that as you not being supportive of her. I am assuming this is a volunteer position as well which sucks especially when everyone is bitching at you.

• elodie2019
• 2 weeks ago

• Wedding: October 2019

 “When the hurtful things are said it’s usually in retaliation to me saying something I’m not happy with at co op (which is a lot this year but I haven’t been that vocal compared to some) so when I spoke up she bit my head off and that was the last straw.” “you’re just upset even when nothing is wrong”

To me, it sounds like we are in the middle of a pandemic and you said you have been saying a lot of things you are unhappy with to her at co-op this year including this thing ” THE ONE thing I asked for this year so excuse me it is a big effing deal! ( I’m still upset obviously )” Other people are also upset and have been even more vocal. So honestly I’m not surprised she said, “you’re just upset even when nothing is wrong”. That to me isn’t some vicious crazy head-biting off attack and retaliation it’s a response. Apparently, everyone is upset and you have been upset and voicing it to her. I honestly don’t see any emotional attack in that or any retaliation but to each their own.

If there was a larger reaction you’ve left out, your complaint may have been her last straw. Maybe she doesn’t respond well to criticism so having multiple people upset all the time during a stressful pandemic where people are actually losing their jobs, businesses, and lives evoked a response like, “you’re just upset even when nothing is wrong”. And while dismissive I am at a loss as to how that was horrible.

She apologized, your not responding to her apology for days seems like you are holding a grudge…

If a friend is laughing and visiting with me and having a good time and has offered me wine I am not going to assume I need to leave by 6. That’s a lack of communication. I’m going to assume we are having a girl’s night. If you want her to leave by a certain time you have to communicate that ahead of time and in the moment say, “This has been fun but it’s about X’s bedtime so we better wrap it up.” Stand up, take your wine glass to the sink. Call your daughter and her friend tell her to say goodbye to her friend and go start a bath ect.. Tell your friend goodbye and safe travels.

As far as the food goes it seems you didn’t mind as it wasn’t an issue, and then it was so you told her it was and she said she wouldn’t bring them anymore.

Five-year-olds yelling at each other and having huge blow-ups where one wants to leave and doesn’t calm down for 45- minutes seems like a lack of adult intervention. When kids fight over toys I take them away. If you can’t play nicely with xyz, no one plays with it. If someone hurts the other they apologize. If you can’t calm the 5-year-old friend down then maybe require her mom attend playdates.

It sounds like there are multiple communication issues here. Only you can decide if you want to be as close of friends as you were. But you can forgive and accept someone’s apology and be friendly when you see them and not be as close as you once were.

 It seems as though you are still upset you didn’t get the one thing you wanted at co op and are not ready to let it go. “THE ONE thing I asked for this year so excuse me it is a big effing deal! ( I’m still upset obviously )”

• teaandcake
• 2 weeks ago

Only you can decide if you want this friendship to continue – if not, let it fade naturally.

If you do, you need to decide which things matter most to you and start setting some boundaries.

1) Timekeeping – when it gets to 6, just get up and say ‘thanks for coming, it’s been great to see you’, and start tidying up – e.g. putting the wine bottle away and clearing up the glasses.  Most people will take the hint.  If she doesn’t, just say ‘sorry, but you’ll have to leave now as I have things I need to do’.

2) Her child’s behaviour – if your daughter is 5 then she is going to be meeting lots of children at school and not all of them will have the same manners or behaviour that you want your daughter to have.  You need to weigh up how much this child is influencing your daughter’s behaviour against how much she would likely pick up from her schoolmates even without this friendship.  

3) Allergens.  I’m assuming this is food provided by the other mother for her own child?  I’d say it depends on how serious your daughter’s allergy is, and whether it’s triggered by being in the presence of dairy foods or just when she eats them.  I have friends whose kids have a wide range of allergies and intolerances, and in some cases, it would be impossible for the kids to all eat together if all those foodstuffs were avoided.  It’s tough for little ones to see others eating food they can’t have, but it’s something many children have to accept from a young age if it’s not going to really limit their social life.  Obviously, if dairy can cause a serious reaction in your daughter just if it comes near her, then you do need to make sure it’s banned from the house.  But if it just makes her ill when she eats it, then you can’t really ban the other mother from feeding it to her child.

It really does sound like you don’t like this woman very much at all though – in which case, I’m not sure there’s any benefit to either of you in maintaining the friendship.

• tinytimbo
• 2 weeks ago

It seems like you are on opposite sides of the parenting spectrum – you are quite strict/organized while she is more lax. There are some minor things you can address, but most of your issues come down to parenting styles and that’s not something you can change/ask her to change. 

Time – If you want her to leave at 6, you have to tell her that. If you’re both having a drink and a chat and enjoying yourselves, how is she meant to know that you need her to leave at 6? All you have to say is, “oh look at the time, I should be getting the kid to bed!” 

Child’s behaviour – there’s really nothing you can do about that except not have your kids play together anymore. Kids can bring out bad behaviour in each other and some kids just don’t get along. You can’t change how she parents.

Food – It’s not really fair to expect her to do special shopping for her kids so that they can eat around yours. kids are going to come across a lot of food temptations in their lives, particularly if they have a stricter than usual diet. As long as there is food that your kid CAN eat, then that’s the most you can control. 

Co-op/emotional lashing out – We don’t have enough info here to really say, but it does sound like a lot of conflict for a new friendship (or maybe any friendship)

I think your only option here is to cool the friendship a bit (or learn to live with it). I don’t see that she’s doing anything WRONG, but you have very different parenting styles, so you don’t work well together as mom-friends.