- 2 weeks ago
I have a newer friend in my life (our daughters are 5 and we went to the same midwife and birth class) later, when our kids were older they began going to the same preschool. However, I wouldn’t really consider our friendship starting until about March…
Since then, having gotten to know her more, we agree on some things and don’t on others. She is more of a freestyle parent and I’m not. We stick to schedules… they do not. My daughter has a bed time and theirs does not. Thats also fine. I don’t judge her. But, I have noticed that my 5 year old has started to pick up some attitude and words/behaviors that I don’t accept (my friends daughter is going through some anger and frustration) and like any person would understand I can’t control her daughter or her. Great. I don’t want to. I just redirect my daughter and we talk about things after they leave if any blow ups happen (my friends daughter and mine tend to disagree but then the friend yells and wants to leave the house it’s just a real nightmare until she calms down and ( it took about 45 minutes last time). Some other things have been beginning to become issues like:
time ( always late and I mean always) which actually doesn’t really bother me but if she knows she needs to leave by 6ish so I can put my daughter down most times she won’t actually be out till 9. It’s hard to kick her out as she usually has a glass or two of wine and we are having a good time. But why wont she leave?! Because she is horrible with time. You all have “that friend” so its bad but I don’t even think she means too.
I let it go and let it go but it does bother me ( now that all the other things are happening)
Diet: bringing in food that I don’t allow my daughter to eat (dairy as she has a bad reaction) she says she won’t anymore. I let it go before because she kept it usually out of sight but they always see anyway. But I am plant based and my friend knows every bakery in this city (which is actually pretty amazing) and on the island across the water ( I also can’t fault her I just chalked it up to differences and it wasn’t effecting my daughter until is was) so now it’s a problem because my 5 year old will cry because she can’t have any stupid dairy chips. Ugh.
And now, her words to me! Holding grudges and telling me “you’re just upset even when nothing is wrong” this was about a request I put in at the coop that wasn’t respected and I have to tell her because she is the chair of our co op! I have to tell her! And it is a big deal to me! In context (which you all don’t have but please trust me) it was totally out of line and this was THE ONE thing I asked for this year so excuse me it is a big effing deal! ( I’m still upset obviously )
This isn’t about the kids or co op but more to explain that their life is styled differently then mine but NOTHING has been an issue. Until now. Aside from the habits my daughter is picking up, a handful of times I have felt very lashed out at emotionally from my friend. I might be a lot of things but I really really try to never personally sound or attack my friends. ESPECIALLY NEW FRIENDS. If my friend of my whole life emotionally attacked me I might give her a pass as we have history to support it. But, with this friend.. we really… don’t have the history . I have found myself still ignoring her texts ( I know this is passive and not the right answer) but still none the less it’s what I’ve been doing this last week. I see her three times a week for preschool and I’m dreading it now. I’m still trying to avoid her and it feels awful.
She has since apologized but I’m still hurt and I find the days keep going and I have yet to even acknowledge her apology.
This is really confusing to me and I’m kind of embarrassed that I’m unclear as to how to proceed.
I know least of all I need to reply to her text and acknowledge her apology. I’m just finding myself avoiding it because I need a follow up and I’m not sure if our friendship is one I wan’t to continue with.
When the hurtful things are said it’s usually in retaliation to me saying something I’m not happy with at co op (which is a lot this year but I haven’t been that vocal compared to some) so when I spoke up she bit my head off and that was the last straw. She also crosses emotional barriers. And is upset at me over a conversation she wasn’t even a part of and after showing her the texts agreed it was not out of line and she was actually totally undifferentated.
How to I approach this? It can’t be that hard but I just feel so stuck. Maybe I should just paraphrase what I said here. I just think she is out of line and I let it go the first three times but this last time was what really opened my eyes to the pattern.
I think she loses friends this way as she told me she used to see another women from our birth class but they stopped hanging out.
This is why I’m an introvert now. I feel like I’m in a relationship and I’m the dude this time and my wife is always mad but doens’t tell me.
ps. I also truly try to respect other peoples way of living and I want you all to know that these are isolated things that happen between good things that happen.
please don’t bash this person as I’m truly asking for advice. All the back story wasn’t to be used to attack her but more to elaborate on our differences from the get go.