(Closed) Advice about bachelor party

posted 5 years ago in Parties
Post # 16
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

They’re already planning on going to a soccer game in another city later this year? So he’s only allowed one weekend away a year? I think you’re being unreasonable, but if he’s happy with the compromise then I guess it’s fine. I’d just feel really bad telling my DH that he can’t go away with friends, unless there was a valid reason why. 

Post # 17
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
BeachBee1988:  Ah okay I see what you’re saying if he weren’t having one – but OP said “and my fiance is fine having a day/night bachelor party (i agreed to lap dance). So what is the big deal?” 

So he is having a bachelor party with strippers, it just isn’t a whole weekend thing. Her fiancé’s BROTHER is the one who is upset about it, not the fiancé.

Post # 18
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

I guess I don’t understand your post. Why can he get a lap dance if he has a day/night party, but if it’s a weekend getaway, it makes you sick?

I personally don’t get the concept of being threatened by bachelor parties/guys’ nights outs. When I want a girls’ weekend with my BFFs, I don’t ask my BF if he minds. I say “I have plans w/ so and so, and we are picking a weekend – does this date conflict with any of your plans?”

Similarly, my BF could plan a weekend with any of his friends, guys or girls, and I’d be like “Cool have a good time, I’m going to catch up on my reading this weekend!” I guess, my question is, if you can’t trust him, why are you marrying him?

I fully think you have a right to say “It makes me uncomfortable to think of you touching another girl.” Or “I would prefer that you not get a lap dance.” and he should respect those wishes. But that doesn’t mean he should have to cancel his party entirely. He can just not partake in those activities. And if you can’t trust him to resist the temptation, well, I’d question more than just that one weekend.

Post # 19
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think the reason some girls are threatened by bachelor parties/guys’ nights out is because there are underlying trust issues. I used to get sick to my stomach when my ex would go away with guy friends for a weekend–cause in my heart, I didn’t trust him. Turns out he lied to me a number of times about going to strip clubs and other shady stuff so my gut feeling was right. And I can guarantee you, if we’d gotten engaged, he would have had one of those epic debauched bachelor parties whether I liked it or not–and would have lied his ass off about whatever went down at it. I used to feel like I was losing my  mind when I was with him, because I just turned into this insane ball of anxiety that I no longer recognized as myself.

With my fiance–who travels constantly for work and is often away from me for weeks at a time, I don’t ever get that sick to my stomach feeling, because I trust him and just have zero anxiety about what he might be doing when he’s on his own or out with friends. So again, it comes down to trust. And I don’t understand why you would ever agree to marry a person who you didn’t trust to go away for a weekend with his friends.

Post # 20
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I definitely don’t think any partner has the right to say what the other can/cannot do or the concept of “letting” them do something. But, everyone has a right to their own limitations in a relationship and everyone can and should set boundaries with their partners. It is up to the partner whether or not they repsect those boundaries. For me, I would have been fine with my husband having a weekend bachelor party but my limits and boundaries were ‘no strippers’. He is perfectly entitled to having strippers or getting lap dances but he was well aware that I would have walked away from the relationship if that were the case.

I have a feeling you’re saying OK to a lapdance to simply appease the “Cool Girl” status. If you were truly okay with lapdances, I’m not entirely sure why you wouldn’t agree to a full weekend. What exactly are you opposed to?

Post # 21
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I too am a little confused about what you’re opposed to.  If you have trust issues with your Fiance, then you should not be marrying him, simple as that.  If the thought of him at a bachelor weekend makes you sick to your stomach, then it sounds like there are some underlying issues in your relationship.  I’ve had boyfriends that have been to bachelor parties with strippers and lap dances but I was never sick about it since I trusted them, and nothing ever happened.

You can have your boundaries, but when you start demanding your Fiance can or cannot do something, to me that’s overstepping.  Having him go from a weekend to no party at all is not a compromise, as everyone is pointing out.  Do you want your Fiance to resent you about this?  This is not a hill I would die on.

Post # 22
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
tiffanybruiser:  BINGO!  Whenever I see threads from people saying that they don’t want their Fiance to have a destination bach party becasue of random reasons, to me a red flag immediatley is raised due to there being underlying trust issues.  If you trust your SO 100% then them going away for a weekend with friends should never make you feel uncomfortable.

The only time I would say that saying no to a destination bach party is okay is if it would cause financial issues in regards to the couples budget.  For instance, if my H wanted to go on a vacaiton with his friends but it was going to cost $3K then I would be putting my foot down and saying “hell no, we can’t afford that.”

Post # 23
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My Fiance is going away for a LONG weekend and it’ll be out of the country. I trust him fully and I am excited for him to get away with his “bros.” You just need to trust your Fiance and not worry about what he is going to do, he is marrying you, he loves you. He will not do anything stupid. 

Post # 24
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
tiffanybruiser:  I completely agree with you. I’m not ok with that stuff either, I too think it’s very disrespectful  get a very sexual dance from someone who is not your partner. That mentality makes me sick, some men will always use bachelor parties as a way of getting away with doing whatever they can no longer do now that they are “tied down”. Luckily for me SO respects me so much and also agrees that strip clubs are nasty as he has gone before and didn’t enjoy the experience. But you also bring up a good point: she ok with lap dances but not a weekend getawa…something is off here. 

Post # 25
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You sound really controlling. If my Fiance told me I wasn’t allowed to go away for the weekend I would think A) he does not trust me and B) hell to the no he can’t tell me what to do he’s not my dad!

 

You don’t have to trust your future brother in law but doesn’t seem like you trust your Fiance either…

Post # 26
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Not sure what about a “weekend” is making you sick. I am doing a weekend for my bach, and I’m pretty positive Fiance will be doing the same. You’re coming across as insecure in your post. Do you not trust him? 

Post # 27
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
SoonAsYouCan:  i feel like I could write UR post. I 100% agree. 

Post # 28
Member
7793 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t understand why it’s unacceptable for your Fiance to go away for the weekend with his friends unless you have some major reason to not trust him. Will he be “allowed” to plan guys’ weekends away after you are married? How would you feel if you were not allowed to go away for the weekend with your girlfriends? 

Post # 29
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I 100% agree with you OP. Due to my FI’s past, and his friends/brothers…I do not trust a  bachelor party at all. I’ve made my concerns very clear, he swears nothing bad will happen…but then I hear them all talking about their previous bachelor parties, where my Fiance attended or was the best man, and I no longer trust what he says. He’s told me “what’s happened” at the other bachelor parties, but somehow these little details get left out, the ones I hear his brother/friends mentioning, and those are the parts I am not OK with. I think we should be able to say no, it’s our husband, we have the right to not want them doing GUY things. If bachelorette parties were anywhere nearrr what bachelor parties are made to be, they would NOT be okay with it at all. So, I agree with you. If you have a feeling, there’s a reason, and trust your gut. We do not need to know your reasoning. always trust your gut!!! There’s a reason it feels the way it does. 

Post # 30
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I don’t get the whole “bachelor party” thing. Get the strippers and single guy partying out of your system BEFORE you commit to someone.

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