(Closed) advice about divorced parents please =(?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow.  Are you okay with her not being there?  This sounds very, very toxic.  Your wedding should be a day of AWESOME JOY, not a stressful day where you are worried about how she’s going to be acting…

Post # 5
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I feel your pain!  *BIG HUGS*  My family is as complicated as yours is and wedding planning hasn’t been easy.  I’ve had several meltdowns because my family drama.  I’ve even called the priest to seek advice.  The Fiance and I have come to the conclusion that we will have our wedding and everyone should be able to behave for a day.  If not, we will ask them to leave. 

There isn’t anything you can do about your dad feeling awkward.  It’s nothing that you did; it was your mom.  Maybe you can sit your dad down and tell him your concerns.   If he is really uncomfortable, maybe you can arrange that he and your mother be at the opposite ends of the venue/hall/church.

As for your mom’s new husband, you can’t have his daughter and your mom there without him.  Would you be ok with not having either one of those two people? 

Also, are you living at home?

Post # 7
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh my goodness, this is a lot to deal with at any time in your life, let alone right before your wedding. I am so sorry.

My parents are also divorced, so I definitely understand the stress that comes with that when planning a wedding. One thing I’m doing to make it less awkward for both my parents is to make sure that they are surrounded by people at the wedding who they feel close to (friends, relatives, etc.). I want them to be preoccupied by people they care about so they don’t have time to feel uncomfortable or focus on small things.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to not include your mom’s boyfriend in the wedding. I personally would not want him there, and I wouldn’t want my dad to have to deal with that pain either. I’m so sorry you even have to deal with this. I hope everything works out for the best. 

Post # 10
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SuperDuperBrit:  I don’t know if this helps but everyone has told me that weddings (and funerals) always bring out the worst in people. 

My mom is toxic, too.  I stopped asking my mom for opinions on things entirely. i.e. she threw a fit and told me how selfish it was that I was not going to invite my little cousins (btw, they’re all invited); told me that my centerpieces are ghetto (it was not ghetto; she just didn’t like it!); and, etc. She has had to add her two cents to everything I’ve done so far but hasn’t offered any valuable input either. I’ll occasionally show her a few things here and there but stopped asking for her advice/thoughts.  This way she will feel involved but not be able to hurt me with her comments. 

I’ve assigned my sister to each parent to make sure they keep the peace at my wedding.  And, I will telling my FMIL/FFIL about my icky family drama in hopes that they can break the tension if they see it. 

Post # 11
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SuperDuperBrit:  If you’d like to PM me and chat more, please feel free to!  Smile 

Post # 14
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well you definitely should NOT change your cake flavour.  To me it seems that your mom is unbelievably selfish.  I dont think you should allow her new husband to come and if she has a problem with that then she shouldnt come either.  I know that would be hard for you, but she HAS to realize this is your day. 

I’m insensitive so its easy for me to put my foot down, but I really do feel bad for you.  My parents are both divorced and I am eloping because I want to avoid any stress, we are going to have a reception after and it stresses me out a bit not because im worried about anyone acting out, but bc it will be akward for me, since they havent seen each other for nearly 15 years, yet live 2 mins from each other.

Anyway good luck with everything and try to stop caring so much about what she or her husband thinks of you, shes not a good judge of character, and she obvioulsy has hardcore issues and you CANNOT let her get you all tangled up in her F’ed up world.

Post # 16
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yea I’m not worried about them really, just the awkwardness of the situation is what I’m trying to avoid. 

I’m sorry I tried to skim your post again, but how old did you say your sister was? If she’s really young then she won’t even remember your wedding, its more about you having the piece of mind knowing shes there.

It just seems to me that your mom first off has issues with herself, but secondly she seems to want to bring you down to her misery level. 

Like you said its best you distance yourself from the situation as hard as it may be, it just sucks thats there no sense in trying to talk some sense into your mom as it wont help.

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