- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Hello everyone! I know I’m not the only bride out there with divorced parents and I just wanted some reassurance that everything will be okay on my big day. This may turn into a long post. Here’s a bit of background:
When I was about 7 years old my mom cheated on my dad. She moved us out of state so she could live with a guy she met online. After living there for less than a year she realized she wanted to be back with my dad. They ended up getting back together — things were obviously tense for a little while due to trust issues. It took me a long time to forgive my mom. I’m the oldest and I was old enough to know what was happening and who was to blame. Anyways, after years passed by I, once again, allowed myself to become close with my mother.
Well, I guess about 2.5-3 years ago she cheated on my dad again. She broke the trust I had allowed myself to build with her….something that took a lot of time and energy to do. When she sat us down in the living room to let us know she was leaving dad (again) I screamed at her and asked how she could do this to us again and demanded to know who the other guy was. She said there was nobody else. Again, she lied. She moved out into an apartment and said she had a roommate. One bedroom apartment. I asked her who her roommate was and she didn’t want to tell me. Of course, I already knew she left dad for another man so when she told me finally I was like ‘oh yeah roommate. right.’
I didn’t talk to her for awhile — she lived in another town and I pretty much refused to have anything to do with her. A few weeks prior to her announcing she was leaving my dad she was talking crap about a friend who was leaving her husband for someone else. It all happened right out of the blue — she knew where I stood with this. We were in a good place — then she did this again. Anyways, I only dealt with her when I had to and my siblings didn’t understand or they’d be more forgiving.
I essentially got deemed the problem child because I wasn’t supportive of her new relationship (I still am not). Flash forward to Christmas time (she left my dad around probably October-ish to live with this new guy) so she had been gone a couple months. She came over to visit with us at the holidays and I made an attempt to hang out with her. She took me to the mall to help her pick out gifts for my siblings. It was just the two of us and was extremely awkward. This, of course, was made more awkward by the fact that just a few months after moving out she was sporting a diamond. NOT the one my dad gave her. So, at this time my mother was seperated (takes a year in state of VA to divorce if you have minor children) and engaged to another man.
I didn’t ask her about it because I was stunned. I told a friend who then went after my mom against my wishes. I had no clue she was gonna say anything. Anyways, later that day or the next day my mom calls me to tell me she got a message from my friend and that she “was engaged and while you’re pissed off at me you might as well know I’m pregnant too.” Engaged, seperated, and pregnant. Wtf?
Anyways, I couldn’t talk to her for a long time after that. I tried to be excited and I mean I was but I was so conflicted…I didn’t know what to think or feel. Anyways, my little sister is now going on two years old and she’s going to my flower girl. I don’t like the guy my mom is with but after he asked me to come over one day to talk I went. He admitted my mom and him were running around my dad…something my mom would never admit. He said if I didn’t want him, or his girls, there he’d be okay with it. We had worked ourself into a more positive place….and I was getting used to the idea that he’d probably be at my wedding even if it wasn’t my dream situation.
Then my mom’s arm got slashed and when I saw it I freaked out. I was ready to kill that man because he hurt my mom. When I said something to her about it she quickly jumped to his defense and yelled at me and my Grandmother for thinking that he did that to her. She said a knife slipped while chopping veggies (the cut is on the upper part of her arm above the elbow. I didn’t believe her but there was nothing I could do. She’s a grown ass woman. I was so upset that she would stay with someone like that even though she’s not crappy stuff in the past. I mean, she’s still my mom and I still love her even if we don’t get along.
Anyways, we worked past that…I thought things were improving. Until last Friday when we took her out the day before her birthday. At lunch she started crying saying we were right and that he was a bad guy…then would say he was a good guy….yatta yatta…said the best parts of him reminded her of my dad. That hurt. LIKE HELL. Why she thought it was okay to talk like that in my presence I do not know. I still struggle with my parent’s divorce and I’m not over it. It’s hard when you see your dad in pain all the time over something you can’t fix. Something that she caused. I mean, he’s getting better now but he still is a mess over it. He’s been cheated on by both his ex-wives (my mom was his 2nd, and probably last, wife).
Then she starts in about how I’m almost 24 and not working. She said that her husband thinks I’m a piece of shit and that I’m lazy and useless. This is after I thought everything between us all was improving. Started becoming comfortable with the idea of him being present at the wedding — thought things were getting better because dad got a friend to tag along w/him as a date. I thought things would be more normal. More level and in balance but now I find out he talks crap about me? Who the hell is he to talk about me when he is not my parent. I don’t rely on my mother or him for anything. I’m currently not working because I haven’t found a job. At this point my fiance and I will be moving in less than four months (more than likely) about an hour away from where I live now. What’s the point in getting settled into a job right now when I’m just going to have to leave it? Yeah, I’ve thought about getting just a crappy temp job or whatever but that’s MY business. That’s my business and my future hubby’s business. NOT HIS. NOT HERS. If anyone has a right to complain about me not working it’d be my dad or grandma who I live with.
It’s just like she was feeling so shitty about herself that she had to attack me. I have never been good enough for my mother. I probably will never be good enough. Nevermind the fact that I recently graduated college with honors and was on the dean’s list every single semester. It’s not like I have never worked before because I have — I worked my entire way through community college.
Anyways, now that I know he talks about me and thinks so little of me I don’t want him at my wedding. But how in the hell can I not have him there if it’s going to potentially cause my mother problems? I’d feel like it was partially my fault if she had to deal with his shit because I uninvited him and his kids. They are not my family — I am not close to either of his kids and I think he’s a piece of crap. I think he’s controlling. Apparently he tells my mom to go the hell back to my dad when they fight. I think he’s a complete a-hole.
What do I do? I mean, what can I possibly do to ensure they’ll all play nice? Has anyone lived through something similar? Any advice would be great. I just feel lost dealing with this. My dad is going to have way more family there than my mom will — and the family my mom will have there is supportive of my dad because they all know she was dead wrong in this whole situation. But, I mean…what do I do? My mom has seriously expected me to have his kids in my bridal party (put my foot down on that) and she wanted me to change our ideal cake flavor because her step-daughter is allergic to nuts. My mom hasn’t been there for me. With that said, I can’t have my wedding and not have her there. So what do I do about everyone else?
On another note, my mom and her husband decided they would be buying my wedding dress. I was shocked by this when we went to the bridal boutique but happy because it was the first time my mom really seemed interested in my wedding. She set the budget at $1,500 and my dress was under budget leaving enough money from the budget she gave me for alterations. The other day at the same bday lunch she started talking about money problems. Apparently he’s in a ton of debt and it’s a big stressor for them. But I didn’t know this and my budget from my dad is tied up in payments for vendors. My grandma is a huge help with the wedding and she said she’d take care of it. Which is nice of her, and all, but I’m so seriously pissed off at my mother. My fiance and I could probably handle it ourselves but I just feel betrayed. How could she do this to me? How could she say they’re gonna take care of it and then do this……she may still pay for it (as she flippin’ should because she said she would). My dress comes in later this month/early July but now I’m worried about that and how she’s gonna be. How he’s gonna be at the wedding. Gah……….
I’m sorry this is so long I just really needed to vent. Did anyone else have to deal with this much family drama before their wedding? And before anyone says something about how I should be working and yatta yatta…let me just say I do my fair share of work around the house. I cook, clean, and chauffer my siblings places. I’m not some piece of shit even if my mom seems to agree with her new husband that I am. Any advice? How do I make it so my dad doesn’t feel awkward and how do I work out this situation with my mom’s new husband? Their daughter, and my half-sister, is my flower girl. I bought her dress and sash. I want her there but I don’t want her dad there now. I dunno what to do…