(Closed) advice about friends not wanting to be part of my big day

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

How cheap is cheap? And don’t just assume that because someone can’t afford a dress, that automatically means they are jealous. You have a year. Can they save up and buy it or do you think it might be out of stock by then? You can offer to loan them the money but there are so many stories of this and sometimes the BMs never pay back. Also, is your wedding out of town? Why would they not be able to afford to go to your wedding??

Post # 4
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmmm… well you might think it’s cheap, but that doesn’t mean they do as well.  And even if they can afford it, it doesn’t mean they want to spend that much on a dress (I seriously doubt they are jealous).  Did you privately ask each girl their budget?  If not, than that’s the first thing you need to do.


I don’t know if I should invite them to the wedding because if they can’t afford a dress then how are they gonna afford to go to a wedding.

You’re being over-dramatic.  Don’t unvite them or kick them out of your Wedding Party just because you don’t think they can afford to come.  Talk to them about their budget for a dress (then stick to that budget) and let them handle any travel expenses.

Post # 6
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yeah, I’m not sure where this jealousy explanation is coming from.  It seems like any time anyone doesn’t fawn all over a bride to be around here, people chalk it up to jealousy. Maybe they just can’t afford the dress like they’re saying?  Instead of uninviting them to the wedding (that’s not cool at all, doesn’t sound like you’re much of a friend), how about asking them what they can afford?

Post # 8
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why are you adding drama to this by taking to your family, instead of your supposed best friends?

 

Why don’t you just call or see them and ask what the deal is?

 

Also, what kind of money would they need to come to your wedding that’s 20 minutes away?

Post # 9
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ashley11587:  It’s probably not that they can’t afford it in the strictest sense, like they’re dead broke.  It’s that they don’t want the expense of being a bridesmaid to impede on other things in their lives and cause them financial hardship.  For an example, I am a bridesmaid in a close friend’s wedding this upcoming October.  She was sending ideas for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses that were in the $300+ range.  Do I have the money in my bank account?  Yes.  Do I want to spend $300+ on a dress?  No.  So I, along with the other bridesmaids, told her it was too expensive/out of our budget.  (And we helped her find more affordable options to make everyone happy.)

I don’t think your friends are jealous, but there does seem to be a problem here.  I understand your disappointment with their lack of enthusiasm for your upcoming wedding.  That sucks.  But I suspect you might have an attitude about your wedding that is rubbing them the wrong way.  The way you said you “told” them to be bridesmaids (maybe you just wrote it wrong, but what happened to asking if they’d do you the honor?)…  Then you say if they can’t afford a dress, they can’t afford to come to your wedding?  I assume by this, you mean they can’t afford to give you a gift.  Frown  If the wedding is in town, guests shouldn’t have to “afford” anything to attend your wedding.  Gifts are nice, but that’s not why you invite people.

I would have a heart to heart with your girls and find out what’s up.  IMO, $100 for a dress is more than reasonable, but everyone has different budgets.  Hopefully with better communication you all can work it out.  Don’t kick them out over this.  It’s not worth throwing away friendships.

Post # 10
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ashley11587:  I think your family is wrong.  Just because they don’t want to spend all of their money on you doesn’t mean that they are bad friends.  $100 may see cheap, but it could still be too much for them.  When I was in college, $100 was a LOT of money.

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You wouldn’t invite your BEST FRIENDS because they couldn’t afford to go?

That is horrible. Just completely horrible.

Please rethink your friendships.

Post # 12
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Two of my BMs are young enough to be my daughters, both work and their Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses are only $35 (long made in India rayon summer dresses). However, I know they don’t have tons of money either so I bought their gowns, jewelry, and their bouquets for them. It was no big deal. Plus all our guests are welcomed to celebrate with us on the wedding day – whether they can afford to or not. No gifts required, their presence is gift enough.

Post # 13
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

Why would you jump to the conclusion that they are jealous so fast? Just explain to them that being a Bridesmaid or Best Man will have some financial costs and if they are not able to do it, they don’t have to.

Post # 14
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP,  you must get extremely comfortable with the idea that you have no right to set priorities on how other people choose to spend their money. Saying “they have money for a weekend out of town but not for my dress” is absolutely unfair, and no way to treat a friend. You don’t know if the girls have been saving up for that weekend away for months, or if someone has made them a gift that lets them be able to take that trip, and you don’t know what their budget for being in ANYONE’S wedding is, nor do you know what their perception of wedding costs are. It’s really unfair to jump to the conclusion that “they want to spend their money on a vacation and not on my wedding, so that means they are not my true friends.”  Plus, it’s not fair of you to assume that your wedding is automatically going to become more important to your friend than her birthday is to her. We brides need to be more humble and always embrace the fact that no one is ever going to find our wedding as interesting, exciting or important as we ourselves are, and that people are going to rank their own events (birthdays, graduations, proms, whatever) as more imporant to themselves than our weddings— this is human nature!  My stuff will always be more important to me than it is to you, and your stuff will always be more important to you than it is to me!

We can throw theories around all day long on why they think they can’t afford to be in the wedding party, but those are all just imaginations running wild and you really need to talk to them. Explain what you think it will cost, both the “mandatory” costs like the dress, and the “optional” costs like showers and parties. Be realistic about what things cost, and don’t downplay the costs just because you think they’ll like hearing the low end of the range. And don’t forget that they are not REQUIRED to throw you a shower or a party; let them know that they can if they choose, but do not go into it assuming that they will be flying you to Vegas and paying for everything.

Finally, saying “if they can’t afford a dress, they probably can’t afford to come to my wedding so I might not even invite them at all…”  Well I don’t know where to begin, because if I were invited as a guest to a wedding this weekend, I’ve already got a whole wardrobe to choose from, and most women do too. And even if I didn’t, it is not right of you to not let them make that choice for themselves.

there are so many parts of the post that make me sad… hopefully it’s just a case of words coming out wrong because they were written whilst upset.

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