Post # 1
Sadly, I recently single handedly destroyed my relationship with a really great guy. Up until him, I had dated a bunch of not-so-great guys and I was always really anxious during those relationships. I also had a lot of trauma growing up and realize I have a lot of abandonment anxiety.
With this relationship, I realized that it wasn’t all the other guys’ fault. This guy was great and gave me no reason to worry that he would cheat or treat me badly. Yet, every few weeks I would freak out and pin him into a corner..”where is this going? do you love me? etc etc etc” which would lead us to have really long hard conversations.
Well, he finally gave up and said that it was too stressful to have to constantly reassure me – that no matter what he did or said, I would always get like this. He tried, I know he did. I am numb and don’t know what to do – I’ve lost an amazing person in my life.
Before I could blame the guy for being bad but this time, it’s clear. It’s me. This was my fault. 🙁 I don’t have much anxiety except in relationships and it is completely ruining my life! I don’t know what to do. I’m losing hope in myself and in love.
Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice would be appreciated.
thank you very much
Post # 3
@gut_feeling: I am so sorry. 🙁 I too have these issues and am currently engaged to a great guy as well. I am seeking therapy and hope to resolve these issues before we get married.
Hugs to you, I hope some of the other bees can offer great advice.
Post # 4
@mrs_pudding_pop: thank you. congrats that you found someone who is able to be there for you and support you. i am in therapy also and have had a really hard time. it just feels like i’m never going to get better. 🙁
Post # 5
@gut_feeling: I feel for you Hun. I have depression and anxiety, which alone is enough of a struggle then add in abandonement issues from my mother (very long story short; she cheated on my dad and only wanted custody of me for the child support cheques and was very abusive. She also allowed her then bf, now husband to be abusive towards us kids too and ended up choosing said drugging dealer bf over her three kids. Dad got full custody of me when I was 10, after I opened up about being abused and when I was 13 my mother called so say she was married and had a baby girl, and ” finally had the daughter she always wanted”.)
I used to do the same as you and it took me longer than it should have to seek help for my depression and anxiety, but it hadn’t of been for my SO, I probably never would have. I had to realise what I had with him was real and worth fixing myself for, otherwise I was going to lose a great man that I could see a real future with. Going to therapy is a great first step and I’m proud of you for doing that! Anytime you find yourself thinking negatively, shake your head and think of something positive ( I think about my gorgeous pets) or something that makes you happy, go on a funny website and distract yourself from the negativity. It’s a process, but you will get there. And you never know, once you start seeing yourself for what you’re really worth, the right guy might just come along, or back. 😉
Post # 6
@krayzay87: Oh thank you so much for sharing your very personal and inspiring story. it’s amazing how much the human being has the capacity to heal despite so much hardship – it definitely gives me hope. Congratulations on finding an SO worth fighting for and finding out that you, yourself was worth fighting over as well.
Yes, therapy has helped a lot in unpacking where all of this messy anxiety (and drepression) comes from. That fear of abandonment and the emptiness runs so deep – I am always expecting people to skip out suddenly and I make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been in therapy on and off for years. It wasn’t until my last bf, who I am very thankful for despite our ending, that I found myself in a stable enough position (I used to pick very bad, unstable guys that further wreaked havoc on my insecurities) to really have the other stuff fall away. I finally see the true problem and so I am going to try to really learn some behavioral skills to help me deal with it.
I’ve asked my therapist to scale back on the talk therapy and really work on finding exercises I can do everyday to flex my anti-anxiety muscles.
I also looked for some books on anxiety in relationships but couldn’t find much for those who are having anxiety with dating.
I briefly worked through this one which is more about other types of anxiety and relationships but I found it somewhat helpful nonetheless.
I have some hope that I might get better at some point but it feels like a long, lonely road ahead for quite some time.
Any other advice, tips, or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
thanks so much!
Post # 7
@gut_feeling: I just got off the phone with my wonderful guy, the guy I hurt terribly because I’ve been acting crazy and not trusting him for the past several weeks, for no reason at all. Fortunately, we talked it out and no damage to our relationship, but wow, that was a catalyst for changing my attitude and maybe even getting some professional help. So yes, I know what you are feeling EXACTLY. Big hugs to you and good luck working through these issues.
Post # 8
@gut_feeling: long road, yes possibly. But you’ll never be alone, I’m just a pm away with any help or support I can offer! I think my major turning was going to my GP Dr and starting medication (I was really against this) but realised it was the only thing that was going to help me see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m in the process of changing career paths, and in the meantime throwing myself into my hobbies; art and photography. I still have those days where I just don’t want to get out of bed, but luckily for me one of my two cats will come in wanting to go out the backyard so I’ll go and sit with them out there until I feel recharged. Basically I guess my main advice is focus on what makes you smile, because the more you smile the better you’ll start to feel about yourself. x
Post # 9
@worldtraveler: thank you so much for sharing, it helps to know that other people are going through this as well. i was in your same spot a few months ago – i worked hard at it but i didn’t get better fast enough/my partner wasn’t able to hang on.
if you are seeking professional help, know that not all types are created equal and that you really need to talk with your provider about concrete ways of tackling anxiety both in the moment and long term – you really need both.
i was going to a lot of therapy. i thought i was doing well/getting better but it wasn’t giving me enough tools to really combat my fears when they were triggered. i really needed to kind of push and ask for the care i realized i needed.
best of luck with your journey. i wish you and your SO the best, happy life together.
@krayzay87: aw thank you for your support, i am really appreciative – it truly does feel like i am alone with this anxiety sometimes – it was sweet to read that. i’m really glad that you have been able to find help in medications, they truly are helpful. i’m not on any now but i’m open to thinking about it. we must take whatever measures to help ourselves because we are worth it.
i’ve just been trying to stay present and not get too down on myself – allow the feelings but not wallow in them. i am sad about my relationship but really for the first time trying to figure out how to love myself – i don’t think i ever have and it’s about damn time to start. 😉