(Closed) Advice despartely needed about friend

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh my. Your friend sounds like me about 10 years ago.  That relationship is toxic and if she moves out there, you’re exactly right, they will break up.  What a mess.

I would seriously sit her down IN PERSON and tell her how concerned you are.  She probably will not want to hear anything you’re saying (i never did).  But if she decides to go that’s her choice.  If it doesn’t work out, she will have learned her lesson.  But you need to still be the great friend that you are when this happens.  I know it’s hard for you too.  She should never move anywhere for a guy unless there’s a ring on her finger.  I learned this the hard way too and am so much wiser for it.  Maybe this is something she needs to do to learn.

Post # 4
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, that situation really sucks.

I can’t believe your friend is leaving school for him? She’s delusional! I’m glad that you care and are trying to help, but if she’s all set about what she’s doing and getting back together with him, you might just have to let her.  She’s gonna find out it was a mistake, but at least she learned on her own. Maybe when that happens she’ll realize how crazy she’s being.

As for inviting him, that’s also tough. You don’t HAVE to invite him, but I guess its polite to. I’m not really sure…let’s hear what other people have to say.

Post # 5
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Wow! Unfortunately the only way she will learn her lesson is to live with this guy i think. I think within a month max 3 she will be back once she sees him all the time and really sees who he is. Good Luck dear.

Post # 6
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh man. This is a rough one. I was in sort of a similar situation with my Maid/Matron of Honor and her (now ex THANK GOD) Boyfriend or Best Friend. He wasn’t as bad as this guy seems but he was no good for her, had substance abuse issues he wasn’t dealing with, no ambition and she was constantly taking care of his s**t for him even though he was way older – that kind of thing. And I would hear the SAME STORY from her every time they would fight and every time they would make up I would hear that he had said the same s**t he said the last time. All you can do is be brutally honest with her and at this point I think you should. Even though my Maid/Matron of Honor stayed with the guy for a long time while this crap was going on, I never held back about how I felt about her being in that relationship, and while she didn’t always take my advice, she always appreciated my honesty. And now that they are broken up she thanks me even more for always being blunt and honest with her throughout the whole thing. Don’t hold back how you feel about this. Worst thing that happens – she gets pissed at you and moves anyway. She won’t be pissed forever. You’ll be the first one to get the phone call next time this guy f**ks up, which clearly WILL happen.

And don’t stress the invite situation now. There are bigger fish to fry than whether or not you’ll end up inviting him. I didn’t want to invite my MOH’s Boyfriend or Best Friend either but I put it on the backburner of my thoughts and was just sort of like I will reevaluate when the time comes and I have to decide. No point in thinking about it right now.

Post # 7
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I think the only thing you can do is sit her down and tell her how you feel about it and then never bring it up again after that conversation. There’s probably nothing you can say to make her change her mind. She’s going to trust her own instinct above yours, which you have to respect. If you keep bringing it up you might ruin your friendship.

Post # 9
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ve been going through a really similar situation with my little sister.  For the past…  maybe 4-5 months?… the only things we’ve talked about are her and her fiance, their problems, how they just broke up again, how they just got back together again, etc…  I know how difficult it is to have someone close to you make the same mistakes over and over again, even when you’re trying your best to help them avoid those mistakes.

Unfortunately, if she really is your friend and you are committed to continuing the friendship, I don’t think there’s a lot you can do at this point.  Definitely let her know that you think this is bad idea because of their past relationship, but also let her know that you’ll still be there for her despite her decisions.  It’s kinda her mistake to make, even though it’s hard on you, too.  I think it’s important to still be supportive of your friend, even if you don’t support her choices or their relationship.

As far as inviting the guy to your wedding, can you just make a rule that bridal party members don’t get dates?  If not, I would just invite him.  Chances are your Fi is right and they won’t be together anymore by the wedding.  Or maybe he won’t even show up, if he really makes that little effort in other areas of their relationship.  I know this is tough; good luck!  I hope things eventually work out for you and your friend.

Post # 10
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with what others have said that you should sit her down and tell her exactly what you feel and what the relationship is like in your eyes.  But that being said, she might not listen to you about it.  All you can do is be there for her if you want to be her friend and hopefully she will learn a lesson that she shouldn’t have a guy that breaks her to pieces and then pretends to care to put it back together.

Post # 11
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow, how hard! It makes me so frustrated to hear women letting men treat them like this. We should all know better to not be blinded by whatever it is that makes us forget the bad things they do.

Sit down with your friend and tell her your concerns about her relationship. Not, “i hate him because…” but more so, “honey, i worry about you because you call me crying after he’s done X, Y, and Z….” and addrss the issues with dropping out of school. If it doesn’t help, just say, “know that I’m here for you. No matter what. If you are happy, I will be hapy, too. But if you find yourself stuck on that farm and you want to leave NOW, call me and I’ll come get you. no judgement”.

She may just have to learn this the hard way. they’ve been so cyclical, they’re bound to break up again.

Post # 12
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hate that you’re having to deal with this! I, like PPs have dealt with similar situations with friends. All they do is complain to you about the horrible things that are being done to them, yet if you say anything bad about them yourself, they defend them. And I know it’s driving you crazy because all you can think is “Why can’t she see what I’m seeing??????”

Unfortunately, aside from telling her how you feel, there’s not much else you can do. Except let her do what she wants, and hope she figures it out on her own. One of my best friends dated a guy for years, who was even worse than your friend’s guy sounds. She was blind to it all while it was happening, but now, a couple years after they finally broke it off, she can see the situation like we were all seeing it then. I think that’s how it usually seems to go.

Good luck!!!

Post # 13
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

just let her live and learn… i kno that sounds very hard to do.. but ive been in a similar situation and been very stubborn about it… 🙁 I kno you just want the best for her but in her mind she is doing what she thinks is right.. But down the road either way it may turn out , dont hate her for what decision she made just let her kno that you will always be here as her friend and that you are here for her! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This situation is so hard. I have been your friend! I dated my bf through highschool and into college. I was so head over heals for him that even when you got physically abusive, I didn’t care. I made excuses and thought that it was always going to get better. I think the best thing you can do is sit and talk to her, one on one, and explain everything. Tell her you are there for her and only want what is best. Let her know that it puts you in a hard possition too, because you can’t get along with him. She probably isn’t going to listen and might even get mad, but its the best you can do, and when if all falls apart (as we all know it will) she will know that you cared then, so you will still care.

Post # 15
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I’ve had friends with boyfriends like this and much much worse.  I’ve spoken up and kept quiet and in my own experience I feel that it’s better to stay out of it and bite your tongue. 

I think that she is an adult and will just have to make her own mistakes unfortunately.  Obviously we all love our friends and want the best for them but we can’t make decisions for them.  

Imagine what will happen if you tell her that you hate her boyfriend and that you don’t want him at the wedding.  What if she still chooses to move and be with him?  She may be seriously offended and not come to the wedding.  I’m sure a lot of us have read posts about bridesmaids dropping out of weddings because brides have refused to invite their boyfriends.  I know that the wedding is “our day” but you’ll be too busy to even notice him.  He’ll wish you congrats and that will be it.  He won’t ruin your day and your friend will be happier to have him there.  

I’m sure she knows how you feel.  I would just be as supportive of her decision as possible, hopeful, and prepared to pick up the pieces if necessary.  

I’ve unfortunately made the mistake of speaking up about some of my friends’ horrible boyfriends and sometimes they choose the boyfriend and our friendship has significantly suffered.  One girl even cut ties with all her friends and chose the bad boyfriend.

Post # 16
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

That’s an awful situation, and I’m sorry that you have to watch your friend go down such a toxic road.

I think as her friend, you should tell her your concerns. Don’t accuse her or be aggressive or anything like that, but tell her because you love her and care about her so much, that you can’t watch her go down this path without trying to caution her first. In the end, she’ll make her own decision, but at least you were honest with her.

My best friend married a man I didn’t like, and still, to this day, I’m so sad for her. He treats her poorly, and it kills me to watch. I feel for you.

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