Advice for a friend

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

85k is still pretty good for LI, but I guess it depends on where you live. My cousin makes around 60 in suffolk (her husband is the breadwinner) but it still goes a long way. 

Also, her fiance is an ass. Teaching is extremely difficult to get into and she’s doing well right now. My friend teaches in the BX and does not make nearly that much. 

Post # 18
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Well, if she works in education, she does get summers free doesn’t she?  That is how being faculty works at many universities as well.  Any future children would have to be on one of the parents’ insurance, so why shouldn’t it be the father’s?

If he is belittling her so publicly, I worry what he says when they are alone.

Post # 20
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

wishmeluck7 :  I don’t mean this to be rude at all, but being a special education teacher, do you make much more than she’s earning? I only ask because $85K is a solid salary, and if he’s comparing her to you I wouldn’t imagine that you’re making a ton more than that? Or is it just the benefits, retirement, 401K that she is lacking that’s the issue for him? 

Again, not trying to offend I just know that most of my friends who are teachers are not paid nearly as much as they should be.

Either way, he’s a total asshole and if this were a close friend of mine I would be having a conversation with her about it. Sounds like she has confided in you about how bad she feels about herself because of his comments, so she’s obviously aware that he’s a jerk, she probably won’t be super surprised if you’re just honest with her.

Post # 21
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

wishmeluck7 :  Honestly…since your FH feels the exact same way and you both want it to stop, if you feel up to it I’d suggest the following. 

– accept the double date invite
– come up with a script between yourself and FH for what to say when this dbag brings it up
– when he does bring it up, SHUT IT DOWN. it would be really good if your FH took the lead on it since douchey men often take other guys much more seriously than women

Script example: “Dbag, you’ve brought this up several times. Cut it out. First of all, it’s uncomfortable to hear you constantly disparaging someone you presumably love and want to marry. Second, we don’t agree with you about basing our friend’s worth on what she makes or her benefits. Third, if you continue to speak to her like this in front of us, we are no longer going to be able to spend time with you. Can you agree to stop making comments like this?”

He will probably get super defensive and argue. Cut him off. “This isn’t up for debate. We only want to know if you can agree to stop making these comments in the future. Can you do that?” If he says yes, say thanks and immediately change the subject. If he continues to argue, keep cutting him off and ONLY respond repeatedly that you just want him to confirm he will stop. Don’t respond to any argument he makes. 

Doing this will signal to your friend how wrong this actually is, and signal to him that he doesn’t have an ally in disparaging her. Unfortunately he might start pressuring your friend to not hang out with you because of this, but hopefully he will just move on.  

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