Advice for coping with loss?

posted 5 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 17
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Kay1126:  No problem. Good luck tomorrow. If you end up considering a D&C, mine was very easy and a pretty quick physical recovery, and a lot of other ladies seem to have had the same experience. I hope you get your rainbow baby very quickly!

Post # 18
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - Rock Hill Country Club, Manorville NY

I know how you feel. Darling Husband and I were lucky enough to get pregnant the first cycle we tried, last July. That turned out to be a Chemical Pregnancy, which was heartbreaking, but I was optimistic that we would be able to get pregnant again the next cycle, which we did in August.

That pregnancy was going better, but my OB wanted me to have an early US because of my history. At the first US at 6 weeks, my gestational sac was there, measuring on time, but empty. All signs pointed to a Blighted Ovum, but my OB wanted me to wait about a week, and have a follow up scan. The next scan showed no growth whatsoever.

I had the option of waiting for the M/C to start naturally, to have a D&C or to take misoprostol. I chose the misoprostol, and my boss gave me a week off of work, since it’s hard to determine how long it will take to start and its duration. It would have been ideal for the M/C to happen naturally, but my OB pointed out that I could be at work, or in the store, and it could start which would not be good. In a situation where you have almost no control, it was easier for be to be able to control when. I took the pills vaginally, and lined my underwear with two overnight pads, expecting seriously heavy bleeding. It was comparable to a heavy period, some cramping, but not the worst cramps I’d ever had. The heavy bleeding lasted a day or two, and then I had lighter bleeding for a little over a week. That part of the M/C was better than I expected.

Emotionally though, I was devastated. My best friend had found out she was pregnant days after I had, and it was so exciting to be due to have our babies within a week of one another, so after my loss, I have to say it was difficult to see her because she was a physical timeline of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I had two other close friends who were also pregnant, but further along, so there was a lot of pregnancy related conversations taking place. Four of my coworkers were also pregnant, one of them worked in the same classroom as me. That was difficult too. I never begrudged anybody of course, but it was just a constant reminder. This was all over by late September.

As far as waiting to TTC again, my OB advised to wait 2 cycles. She said there was no scientific evidence that said this was better, but she still recommended it. I think I got my next period mid-late October. I made the best of not being pregnant that fall by going to farmers markets, drinking unpasturized ciders, sampling cheeses and going to a wine festival.

In the meantime, I continued to take my prenatals, increased my folic acid to 4mg, and also started a baby aspirin regimin, 81mg a day. I read a book called “Avoiding Miscarriage” and another book called “Knocked Up, Knocked Down”. The latter REALLY helped with the healing process, as did reading stories of other women who had gone on to have their “Rainbow Babies”.

In early December, my OB ran a series of blood panels and wanted me to have and HSG. The bloodwork all came back normal, but I had to wait for my next period to do the HSG. December was also the first month we decided to TTC again, and I never did get to have that HSG because I got my third BFP the day after Christmas 🙂

I am currently 2 days shy of 38 weeks. This pregnancy has been normal, no complications, and so far the baby is perfectly healthy. My OB chalks up my two early losses to bad luck. I’d like to think that the measures I took (extra folic acid and the baby aspirin) helped too. In the future, I will always take them when TTC.

I know you will be pregnant with your heatlhy rainbow soon. It’s hard to be patient, but like you said, try to distract yourself with househunting. That will consume so much of your time anyway, and good luck. You can make it through this. Women are strong and so are our bodies. As cruel of a trick your M/C seemed, you body knew what it was doing, and is just getting you closer to the heatlhy baby you are meant to have 🙂

 

Post # 20
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - Rock Hill Country Club, Manorville NY

Kay1126:  I’m so glad my story has helped you. I should add that it is EXTREMELY uncommon to have back to back miscarriages like that, but pretty common to have an early loss in your first pregnancy.

I hope the process starts soon for you, and that you take good care of yourself while it’s happening. I had a heating pad and a cozy spot on the couch and just watched Netflix and snuggled with my pets. We even adopted a second dog a month after my second miscarriage. I called her my rainbow puppy, and training her and taking care of 2 dogs and 2 cats definitely fulfilled my need to nurture while I waited for my rainbow baby. But house hunting should seriously occupy so much of your time.

I would definitely recommend working on losing any weight you want to lose before getting pregnant. In my experience, I gained wait very easily and very quickly between my losses and pregnancy. I gave myself free reign to eat and drink what I wanted and it was not good! Now that I am pregnant, I can’t exactly cut calories, so I have to wait to work on that, but it is all worth it for this child.

Another reassuring thing that I read was that it’s so much more difficult to GET pregnant than STAY pregnant. So the fact you were able to conceive is a GREAT thing. While the time between now and your next cycle will seem like an eternity, the fact is you’ll probably be a mom, or close to your EDD by this time next year 🙂

Post # 21
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - Rock Hill Country Club, Manorville NY

I want to add two things.

If you are at all Catholic, look into wearing a St. Gerard medal. I was raised Catholic but not practicing now, but heard miracle stories about it. For instance, all of yesterday I barely felt the baby which is very unusual and unnerving. At the end of the day I was sitting in the glider in the nursery and held my medal and said “St. Gerard, please give me a sign that this baby is OK.” Within minutes, I felt some dramatic rolls and kicks. I’ve said prayers like that this whole pregnancy, anytime I was scared or worried. If nothing else, I think it helps contribute to a feeling of ease and positivity, which are very helpful in any pregnancy.

The other thing I want to say is that when you are pregnant with your rainbow, you will have the gift of perspective. Even when pregnancy has gotten the best of me, or when I had horrible sciatica for my entire second trimester, I couldn’t help but to feel lucky. I have just been so happy to have a healthy pregnancy, that things like that don’t get me down.

It’s so hard to appreciate anything about going through a miscarriage, but every cloud has its silver lining, and a rainbow at the end 🙂

Post # 23
Member
2967 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Kay1126: i’m so sorry for your loss.

i lost my baby in april at almost 9 weeks. like you, we had heard the heartbeat and everything already. i miscarried naturally and bled for about a week and half. it took 2 months for my period to come back. 

it’s been 4 months and we’re still trying to put the pieces of our hearts back together. we want to try for another baby so desparately, but we’re waiting a little bit longer (it was an unexpected pregnancy, and right now just isn’t a good time to try again). part of me is scared to try again because i’m afraid of having another miscarriage, or an ectopic pregancy (i have higher risk for those), or just not being able to get pregnant so easily next time. and part of me is like, “screw it. let’s make a baby right now!”

take all the time you need to grieve. like i said, it’s been 4 months for me and it’s still very difficult. for the first month i didn’t go anywhere and didn’t want to see anybody; i just stayed home. some days are easier than others, but it gets easier little by little. and always remember that even tho your baby isn’t with you, you are a mother. don’t let anyone tell you different.

i’m so sorry and you’re in my prayers.

Post # 25
Member
4802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im so sorry!  I went through exactly the same experience. It took a few days to start bleeding but unfortunately I hemorraged and needed a d and c. I would recommend avoiding that if you can.  If you have it you have to wait to TTC again.  It took me a year to get pregnant again, but I had two more earlier miscarriages.  I hope it happens quicker for you!  Let yourself grieve this one, counseling helped me a lot. Especially with feelings of jealously about other peoples pregnancies that continued.

Post # 27
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks, went in for ultrasound at 9 weeks they told me I was only showing 5w 6d so to come back in another 3 weeks for another ultrasound went back in and baby still showed 5w6d. I opted not to have a dnc and to allow my body to pass it when it was ready. There are really no words to describe the pain. Some people were very cold about it, some were extremely loving. I remember driving down the road and saying to myself “I need to pick out a middle name” just then to have to remind myself that there was no longer a baby. I passed the baby about 2 weeks later. I’m so sorry for your loss. As a mom I know that’s exactly what it was. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Ama14.
Post # 29
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

Kay1126:  my husbands Grandmother was the worst she called me the day I was passing the baby and started yelling at me about something my husband didn’t do. the first time I felt like it was “ok” to grieve was when I went back to the doctor to have my blood tested. The doctor very kindly sat down and she was tearing up and explained to my that this wasn’t my fault, I have wondered many times if she has experienced it herself. I sat in the room with her for 20 minutes and cried. My boss on the other hand didn’t understand why I needed to take the day off the day I passed it. Apparently he thought I would just have a little spotting and be done with it: amazing how nobody ever explains the full happening of a miscarriage

Post # 30
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

I did go on the have a very healthy son ❤️ But we waited about a year I believe. I wasn’t ready. When I got pregnant my husband wasn’t overly excited, he was scared it would happen again. I was scared! But in the end we had a healthy happy little man whose 3 now. We also have an older one whose 7 and went into the 2nd grade this year!!! I guess in the end I can’t be upset about what happened because I have a little man that I absolutely adore, if things had turned out differently I wouldn’t have him. 

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