(Closed) Advice for dealing with MIL situation

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 34
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Hmm if you’re close to your aunt, which I’m assuming you are by this trip, I would just talk to her about it. I would say Mother-In-Law mentioned she would like to pay her own way and come along, is this something you’d be comfortable with and so on. Just make sure she knows there’s absolutely no pressure for her to say yes. If she says no to you and that she would like time “alone” with her niece/nephew, then you could politely tell your Mother-In-Law what one of the PP has said. Is there some other reason you don’t want her to come? If not, I don’t see what would keep you from just discussing this with your aunt.

Post # 35
Member
8943 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bturner1221 :  If there’s a chance your aunt and Mother-In-Law might enjoy each other’s company, I would just run it past the aunt very casually to gauge her response. Not asking directly, but more like mentioning that Mother-In-Law was interested in the trip. If she responds positively, you can follow up. If she responds negatively, you can tell Mother-In-Law you mentioned it and the aunt wasn’t receptive.

If you know they won’t get along or if you just don’t want Mother-In-Law to come along on this trip, have your husband tell her “This isn’t our trip. Someone was kind enough to invite us on HER trip and we are not going to ask if we can bring someone else along. Let’s see if we can plan a trip the following year (or 2020, or whenever) for you and us to go.” And I would also warn your aunt that your Mother-In-Law might approach her in the hospital. Tell her “we already told her no but I wanted to give you a heads up in case she’s ballsy enough to come straight to you.”

Post # 37
Member
2531 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think it’s incredibly rude and inappropriate for your mother-in-law to either ask you to approach your aunt or to approach your aunt herself to horn in on your vacation. I’m flabbergasted. Please don’t let her do this. Your poor Aunt is shelling out thousands of dollars to take you, your husband and your kids on a trip and now your mother-in-law wants to hijack the vacation? Completely inappropriate.

Post # 38
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bturner1221 :  I agree with 
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Daisy_Mae :  100% on what to say to your Mother-In-Law (although I wouldn’t bother running it past the aunt at all) and would probably add “you mentioned asking aunt yourself but please do not do that as I know it will make her very uncomfortable” just so it’s clear that you don’t want her making it awkward for your family. 

Post # 39
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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bturner1221 :  But you’re getting to experience Disney with your family on someone else’s dime…

Regardless, it doesn’t cost your family any more for her to come since she’s paying her own way. You basically want to ban her from going to Disney at the same time as your family…

Post # 40
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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LilliV :  Agreed.

I think that some PP have ignored the fact that it seems like YOU don’t want her to come, even if your aunt was thrilled with the idea – which is totally valid. Have DH tell her that it is inappropriate to invite herself along on a vacation being hosted by someone she doesn’t know. That this is a gift to you and your children and it would be unfair for her to take that time away from your aunt. You can tell her you will try to plan a future Disney trip with her, but ask that she please not approach your aunt about this because it would make her very uncomfortable.

Also, tell your aunt that your Mother-In-Law is being weird and that, if MIL is rude enough to speak to your aunt about the vacation she should NOT agree out of politeness because you don’t want her there and direct Mother-In-Law back to your husband – ‘Have you spoken to your son about this?” and leave it at that. Otherwise, your very generous aunt may just be more generous because she thinks that it’s what her niece wants.

Post # 43
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

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bturner1221 :  I usually like seeing people included etc, but in this case it would be a kindly worded but very firm no. Because this is what I’m envisioning: 

Your aunt is generously planning a special trip to treat you and your DH and children to a Disney World vacation and to enjoy quality time with you. Perhaps she’s been there herself and can’t wait to show you around or perhaps this is a first for her too, either way she’s probably excited and looking forward to this. Then your mother in law pushes herself into the mix. Your aunt’s dream vacation now includes someone she doesn’t really know all that well (which changes the group dynamic), someone who in all likelihood will pull the ‘grandma outranks great-aunt’ card and will want to change up the itinerary to whatever she wants to see (there is so much to do at Disney that you have to make choices and it’s unfair to your aunt to have her dream vacation with you hijacked by your pushy MIL’s choices). Your Mother-In-Law will end up trying to sideline your poor auntie on her own trip.

I could understand if this vacation was with your MIL’s side of the family and others were being invited and she felt excluded, but it’s pushy to repeatedly ask to be included to something your own aunt, whom she doesn’t even know well, has planned. And I’d be willing to bet if SHE had planned a trip to take you and your DH and grandkids to Disney, ain’t no way no how she’d let your auntie tag along, she’d probably bristle with indignation that it was even suggested. (I’ve learned from experience that pushy people are the biggest hypocrites). 

But she IS your Mother-In-Law, so agree with what a few other Bees have suggested and tell her you’d be more than happy to plan something nice with her as well. 

Post # 45
Member
6951 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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bturner1221 :  I didn’t say I’d invite her. I said I’d speak with my aunt if I were in your position. I think it’s clear, though, that you and I have different perceptions of what is rude. Your aunt seems like a generous person since she’s taking your entire family on a free vacation. She might be completely okay with getting to know your Mother-In-Law and having her meet up with you all on the trip. She might not. If the concern is potentially appearing rude to your aunt, then it’s best to speak with her. If it’s something you don’t want or you perceive as rude, then just say no or not this trip.

Someone testing boundaries simply invites clear and direct communication, not an indictment of their manners.

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