(Closed) Advice for first-timer-would you have done anything differently?

posted 8 years ago in Encore
Post # 16
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Some days I feel like long responses others I do not, this happens to be a non-chatty day.

Short version:

1) Be over 25, your pre-frontal cortex (your logic, planning, insight, development of self identity) is finished developing and now you have a full brain. This isn’t opinion, its neuroscience. He should also be over 25 for same reasons. Also, between 18-25 you change the most (read the brain statement again), and you can likely change in incompatible ways.

2) Don’t marry a project or someone you are sure YOU can change for the better, don’t marry a fixer upper (emotional or otherwise). If you care for him/his needs/his emotions more than he does for you… RUN don’t walk away.

3) Buy John Gottman’s books, “seven principles to making a marriage work”, and “The relationship cure”. This is research and evidenced based communication principles for a strong relationship. it will help you know yourself, and him better.

4) Don’t marry anyone you have trust issues with, your gutt is usually right.

Post # 17
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Sept 2016 Venice, Italy

View original reply
studentloansforlife:  Number 2, you said it sister. Made that mistake thinking my determination will be enough for both of us.

I’d like to add be sure you share the same basic values especially about finances. Ex and I were totally opposites, I’m a practical and frugal person, he’s a spend it all and live another day type. I’d be seeing expensive stuff on our credit card bills that weren’t discussed and that caused fights.

Also make sure you’re marrying a grown-up not a man child.

Post # 18
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

I would have recognized that his manic episodes were the symptoms of a much larger issue.  I’m not divorced, but his bipolar disease took his life.  

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