- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Short version: My FI’s parents have been very angry for no reason and off and on giving us the silent treatment since shortly after we got engaged. My FI doesn’t want them at the wedding acting like this (and there’s currently no possibility they’d come), but he wants to make one last ditch effort so he won’t ever look back or think he could’ve or should’ve done more. If they don’t come, he thinks he will probably want to cut ties w/them completely.
My question for you is whether you have any advice on this final effort with his parents. He wants it to be that him and I go to meet with his parents.
He wants to tell them that,
- because we are getting married, he will only go where I am also welcome and that no one can truly welcome him if they do not also welcome me.
- we are inviting them to our wedding and would like them to come support us and be happy for us like all of our other family and friends. That we will consider them when making wedding decisions along w/my family, our own preferences, etc., but that we may have some preferences and make some choices for our wedding that they would do differently. We hope they’ll let that go and still come to support us and be happy for us.
- that if they want to talk to either of us in the future, they should feel free to contact us or let us know as they have sometimes done in the past and that we will talk to them.
what do you think? I’m trying to support him as he goes through this. He doesn’t want to bend over backwards or apologize when he’s done nothing wrong (I agree). We don’t even know for sure whether they’ll let us in the house or whether they’ll let him even say that much without yelling and running us out of the house.
Full backstory and links to earlier related posts are here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/invite-mean-manipulative-dramatic-future-in-laws#axzz2tz3pDw29 especially in OP and posts 9, 10, 21, 23, 28, 31
Backstory/Long version: I dated my FI for about 1.5 yrs before getting engaged. I got along well with his parents and family, was polite, took presents, cooked food, and they seemed to like me. His mom said I was like a daughter to her. But, since shortly after we got engaged early last year, my FI’s parents have been very unpredictable and extremely upset with us for no reason.
We are in our 30s and have lived independently for a long time, we are also paying for the wedding ourselves. But in early wedding conversations, they used “cultural tradition” as an excuse for feeling that we are children who could not possibly plan our own wedding and who they normally wouldn’t even talk to because they only talk to adults, so they wanted to just force us to do every single thing their way and let them make every call (location, date, colors, dress, venue, bridal party, bridal party attire) while we footed the bill. My FI and I eventually chose a date and venue, but things fell apart before we even needed to tell them no on any of their preferences.
Since a few months after we got engaged, my FI’s parents have randomly out of nowhere stopped talking to my FI and I or started ignoring us in public or in private. They also started threatening relatives that they better not go to the wedding. Later on, they’ll tell a relative they did so because my FI called 3 days late and if he loved them, he would’ve called earlier. (In these situations, they never told anybody beforehand that they wanted to talk to my FI on any specific date and there was no holiday, birthday, emergency, or anything special about that date.) They’ve also banned me from their house at different points. My FI and I have always picked up any calls from them and responded to any of their msgs- we have never ignored them or given them the silent treatment. (but they have done that to us many times, so sometimes we just don’t feel like calling them to give them the chance to try to snub us again. I don’t care if they talk to me, but it hurts my FI’s feelings and leaves him thinking that they don’t care about him or love him.)
They talked to FI about only his job during the months before Christmas (because they started getting irate if he mentioned me, so he stopped saying my name for a while). At points, he asked them what was wrong and what they wanted, but they wouldn’t ever answer. They said that, if he cared, he would figure it out. He had a conversation that lasted for hours with him asking what they wanted while they said mysterious stuff like “when you’re ready to know, you will.” Utter nonsense. We think they actually like seeing him beg. They have said repeatedly that their problem is not with me or with the wedding (but that doesn’t seem to be true at all). It seems to me that they are having a hard time not controlling their son’s every decision (including with the wedding) and they are having a hard time seeing their son make adult decisions. They are probably worried that he’ll just forget about them and think of me only. That will only happen if they leave him no other choice.
He told them we were coming over for Christmas well in advance and then, on Christmas day, we were told by a relative that FMIL and FPIL were too upset with us and either didn’t want me there or didn’t want either of us there. My FI was crushed. They haven’t called him since that day.
[My question on current situation is at the top of this post.] thanks for reading