Post # 1
So I have posted a few questions on here as I navigate having my first real mature adult relationship. Just found out my lease that runs out end of August I need to renew now and I have to do it for a year. They won’t let me do 6 months. Boyfriend and I are 32 and 33. Moving along at a good pace, met his family a few times get along great. We have said I love you, He has met my mother who loved him and he meets the rest of my family in September at a family wedding. We have been dating since October, official since January. I am not sure how to initiate a conversation about our future. I know every couple is different so I struggle with figuring out a balance between what I want and not moving too fast for him. I mentioned to him my timeline was around a year and then i would move on if the guy im dating wasn’t ready to get engaged around a little over a year. He said he wasn’t scared off by that. I also don’t wanna risk moving in with him before we are ready to get engaged because like many people post on this site I am too worried i would then get stuck in a limbo with no proposal and no marriage. I personally would be ready for an engagement and moving in when my lease is up in August which would be 10 months into dating and 7 months official but I at this point don’t think he will be ready until a year ( just my guess) If I have to renew for a year that would keep me in my apartment until August 2019 which is wayyy too long over a year for me. We can’t move into my place bc its a small studio. Any tips on how to navegate this conversation? I would never move in with someone just because my lease was up but I do know I am ready to get engaged earlier, its him that I think is going to need more time. On other questions I have asked on here some commenters tell me to stop pushing so hard. I promise I am not pushing him at all. He asked me to be his girlfriend i didn’t bring it up. He has been moving this relationship along more than me at this point, inviting me to Easter with his whole family right away, im going to his family vacation in August, going with him to a wedding this Summer. So despite my inner feelings I am playing it pretty cool with him. Any advice appreciated.
Post # 2
Personally I think just renew the lease. That would signal to him that you are a) not desperate b) independent. If things change in the next 6-12 months, you can always find a subletter. Even worst case, paying the penalty is less painful than moving in with a BF who is not ready and then having to clean up the mess on that front.
You already think he’s not ready and is going to need more time. I wouldn’t push it at this stage. There are three components here 1. moving in 2. engagement 3. marriage. Lampooning this at him in one go is pretty heavy IMO.
Edited to add: If you struggle to find balance/communicate your needs or find a good way to talk about relationship and the future, I don’t think your relationship is ready to move on to the next stage. Successful couples generally reach a comfortable zone where they can/willing/ready to talk about future/finances/kids/marriage.. take your time
Post # 3
Thank you! Super helpful advice!! Yes you are right these are separate things and i need to not lump them together. Thanks!
Post # 4
I agree with PP, if you’re not sure how to communicate with him that is probably a sign that you guys need to spend more time dating and getting to know each other before moving in and moving towards engagement/marriage.
Unfortunately, leases generally never line up at the same time and I get that another year living seperately doesn’t sound ideal, but I’d sign the lease and deal with breaking it/subletting it when the time comes.
Post # 5
Can you get a better apartment that he could theoretically move into or is that a problem financially?
Post # 6
I think you should either renew your lease or try and find another apartment with a shorter term (by the time you add the hassle of moving, would probably be more practical to just renew your lease). It sounds like you don’t want to move in with him before getting engaged and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be proposing to you before you have to make a decision on your lease, so I don’t see where else that leaves you. You can mention in an offhand manner that you’re planning to renew your lease, and see if that leads to a more serious conversation, but that’s far as I’d take it at this point in your relationship.
Post # 7
Renew. You can always sublease your studio.
Post # 8
Good advice. I will just renew my lease and tell him that is what I am doing. He then can object if he wants to. If not, we can deal with breaking it if that happens when we get to that stage. Guess breaking the lease is just a risk im going to have to take!
Post # 9
Renew your lease now. If he asks you to move in with him you can always sublease or break your lease.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
You could always chat with him casually about your lease before making any decisions. You dont actaully KNOW where he’s at, you’re just guessing. I would just casually say “so my lease is up in August and if I renew, I have to renew it for a full year. I know we havent talked about moving in together yet, and I’m perfectly happy with renewing for another year but I wanted to bring it up in case you might be ready to start discussing moving in together.” If he’s not ready, its no big deal but at least you’ve started a dialogue. If he IS ready, you wont have to renew your lease unnecessarily!
Post # 11
I agree with PP that it’s too soon to put this pressure onto the relationship.
You need to do everything in your power to let the relationship progress as naturally as possible.
You also need to focus on improving the communication between you two if you think you want marriage with this guy. Before putting pressure on, you need to start REALLY ensuring that you two are life-compatible. That’s different from dating-compatible.
Start initiating the tough conversations. What sort of work/life balance does he want to eventually have? What sort of family life? What sort of house? Job? How does he treat his finances? Etc ad nauseum.
Once you have all THOSE conversations, engagement/timeline talk will be more organic.
I will add my personal story in case that helps:
Fi and I started dating in November, agreed we could envision marrying each other in April. He asked me to move in in July. That initiated the timeline talk – we agreed a proposal would come within a year, I broke my lease and moved in by the end of the month. The penalty for breaking my lease was 1 month’s rent, so I just didn’t help Fi out with the mortgage that month to make it up. He proposed on a trip to Napa Valley the next July.
So, timeline-wise, I don’t think you’re too far off. The main difference here is that Fi and I went exclusive within 2 weeks of meeting. We moved fast from the start because both of us “knew” AND both of us felt “ready.”
The fact that you and your SO dated for 3 months before going exclusive, combined with the fact that communication seems to be a little lacking, AND that this is your first “mature” adult relationship, tells me that your relationship is going to be moving a bit more slowly. Which is fine. Just adjust your expectations accordingly and put in the work.
Post # 12
You need to plan for your reality now. Your reality now is you have a boyfriend who doesn’t appear to be ready to get engaged. You can’t live your life for someone else. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you upend your life on the maybes of your relationship progressing. In between being his girlfriend, you still have to be you – a fully functioning adult with responsibilities and goals of your own. When your relationship does finally progress naturally, you can cross that bridge when you come to it – whether that means subletting your place, just waiting longer to move in, or breaking your lease because the penalty is worth it. But don’t artificially rush your relationship because paperwork is inconveniently timed.
Post # 13
All your threads about this guy are basically the same, whether it’s about you being upset that he wants to get a cat on his own, him not wanting to discuss Sunday school pick-up for your hypothetical future children, or whether to resign your lease. You are using literally every topic or event that comes up in your lives as an excuse to urge your boyfriend commit more quickly/deeply to you, but it really sounds like he’s not there yet. He’s the one that just got divorced a year ago right?
I would stop using external forces as your propeller to have this discussion. Just sit him down – don’t make it about your lease, or Sunday school, or his desire to get a cat – and ask him if he still thinks he’ll be ready to get engaged by the time you’ve been officially together for a year, like y’all had originally discussed. Have a normal, adult conversation about it.
And in the meantime, resign your lease.