(Closed) Advice for how to handle rude FILs

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@FAE:  While I agree that yes, you should start to stick up for yourself I do not agree with doing it in a “not so nice way” as you described.  I think being quick, firm, and tactful is the best approach.  “MIL, I find that comment to be rude.”  “FIL, I’m insulted you said that.”  Don’t go in guns blazin’ and flip out.  That will give them further ammo and make you look like the crazy person!

I feel for you, I do.  After 8 years of nasty, back-handed comments from my ILs I can tell you it’s tough.  Best thing to do is understand and accept who they are, lower your expectations, and choose your battles wisely.

That’s all I got for you sweets.  Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I feel for you.  It’s a nasty shock when your FI’s family is so different to your own…or what you have experienced before.

I’ve been married before.  My ex ILs, after a rocky start with Mother-In-Law, I got on fine with.  I’ve survived cancer twice, but been left with heart and lung damage, which tends to flare up more in the winter months.  My ex ILs always respected this, they understood that sometimes I would get tired before everyone else, that there were certain things that I was unable to do.  

Present Future In-Laws…completely different story.  I’ve been with Fiance for over 3 years now, and I’m still hurt and shocked by what has gone down.  I went on a weekend away with them about 2 years ago now, in late October (so winter here in the UK).   It was for FI’s aunt’s 60th birthday – that side of the family is extremely wealthy, and FI’s uncle paid for us all to go.  I was already ill (in fact after the trip I ended up in hospital) and if it hadn’t been for his uncle’s generosity I wouldn’t have gone.   Anyway…I went, tried my best, came back and thought the whole trip had gone well.

A week later Fiance goes to visit his parents after finishing work.  His father proceeds to dress him down to within an inch of his life about how ‘rude’ I was on this trip…which boiled down to the fact that I wouldn’t stay up all the first night away, drinking.  Seriously.  We had travelled for over 8 hours, weren’t given the opportunity to rest before going out to dinner…I felt so rough that night that when we finally got back to the house we were all staying in, I was physically ill, twice.  I went to bed at about 1am, and the last thing I said to Fiance was ‘please don’t stay up too late, I want to be able to go on the planned trips tomorrow’.   Fiance finally gets to bed at 8.30am, and passes out, completely parayltic.  His mother knocks on our door at 9.30am…Fiance can’t be woken up, I’ve had no sleep due to the noise all night.  So we don’t go out that whole day, Fiance is unconcious for most of it.  FI has also lost the itinerary he was given for the weekend, so we have no idea what is happening, or when.   His father has taken FI’s mobile charger with him, so FI’s phone battery runs out during the day, and they don’t have my number.  

Fiance finally surfaces at about 7pm…we go downstairs, only to find that dinner (which was catered) was over…apparently it was at 6pm, but even though we were literally only a staircase away, no one had seen fit to knock on our door and let us know.

So Future Father-In-Law basically blames all this on me, and says my illness is just an ‘excuse’.   Fiance tells me and I’m pretty upset.  FI suggests that to smooth things over, I ‘apologise’ to Future Father-In-Law.  I tell him the day that happens, the devil will be going to work in a snowplough – I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve got nothing to apologise for, and even if I did feel like I had, it would be his uncle and aunt who would get an apology, not Future Father-In-Law.

Future Father-In-Law has been horrible to me ever since.  FI and I ended up going back to being in a LDR, due to his work.  I went down and stayed with him and his parents just before Christmas last year – Fiance was going to be working the actual holiday, so I was going to be totally on my own.  His parents knew this, so knew that my visit was the nearest I would get to ‘celebrating’  FFIL proceeds to spend the whole weekend holed up in their bedroom.  I think he barely said more than 5 words to me, I only saw him for about a minute.  It was quite deliberate, and extremely rude.  Once again, I was incredibly upset and it did ruin Christmas for me.   

The situation now is that I’ve told Fiance that under no circumstances will I go anywhere with Future In-Laws, and I won’t stay at their place again.  I’ve not seen them all this year, and that suits me fine.  They are FI’s problem, not mine. 

I really wish I had the same good relationship with them that I had with my ex ILs, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  What makes me even sadder is that I don’t have any family in the UK, I really am on my own…I always liked spending time with ex ILs and their extended family because it made me feel more ‘normal’

So you are not alone.  Be civil, be nice, but do stand up for yourself.  As I’ve told Fiance, I’m 44…I’m not going to be told off like a child by anyone.  I’ve had a good relationship with ILs, so I know I’m not doing anything wrong. 

Post # 5
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

First let me say that I’m sorry that your future in-laws are narcissistic, stuck-up assholes because that’s exactly what they are. No-one deserves to be treated that way, and in particular, not in their own home where the NSAs are guests.

Second, where the heck were your fiancé and your parents when all this happened? I say this not to make you feel badly, but because if anyone, even the Queen, said anything negative like your examples about my daughter, they’d find themselves on the front doorstep with their coats in a heap beside their feet.

Your man needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his parents in no uncertain terms that he will not accept them treating his future wife that way, and that the next time they feel like saying something they should look up the word ‘rude’ in the nearest dictionary to find a big ol’ picture of themselves there.

Stay strong, be honest, and and tell your fiancé that if their behaviour doesn’t shape up, that he’ll spend the rest of his life deciding whether to spend his momentous occasions with either his parents and siblings, or with his wife.  You deserve to be treated with love and respect and, unfortunately, it’s going to be up to him to make sure that happens.

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What I got from this is that in your desire to make a good impression on his parents, you’ve essentially made yourself into a doormat. Nobody respects a doormat. 

Like the thing with the wine… It was rude for his mom to say that you insisting you had to go get this wine after both she and her husband said it was unnecessary irritated her, but I totally get why it irritated her. I know you’re just trying to be a good hostess, but that kind of persistent subservience just feels like trying too hard, and that is annoying.

Most of the weekend actually sounds overplanned and over-orchestrated and like you were a stressball trying to juggle the whole thing. (Like, why would you pick up and drop off people who had their own transportation every single day? I’d have felt like your hostage.) I think maybe you should listen to his mom and try and relax. It would make it easier for them to relax with you.

They don’t sound like bad people; you don’t sound like a bad person. It just sounds like your anxiety over making a good impression has verged into Meet the Parentsville and nobody is showing their best colours.

Post # 8
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You sound like me. I understand your frustration because I see that you are trying sooooo hard to make everything perfect and right and it just isn’t working. My Future In-Laws aren’t perfect, but they are very lovely to me, but sometimes things happen and we misunderstand each other and I am sometimes left feeling hurt or sometimes unappreciated or whatever. My Fiance has this really wicked cousin, though (I use the word wicked because it is the nicest word I can come up with right now to describe him) and he wanted to break us up early on and started rumors about me and told my Fiance to “watch out for that one” and “look at what she will do to you in four years” and all sorts of garbage that made me laugh and feel some anxiety at the same time. He and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now and I’ve not cheated and I’ve actually become a lot more conservative since we have gotten together btw so I don’t know what the hell his wicked cousin was trying to say. Anyhow, it was extremely hurtful to us both when this happened and he even started turning other family members who liked me against me we felt like someone had the potential to break us apart etc, and I really, really, reallllllllllllllly wanted to just cuss him the f out. But you know what? Doing that would make him look right and he really didn’t deserve any kind of reaction out of me. So you know what I did? I just kept loving my Fiance (bf at the time) and showed him how awesome I am and we just carried on being happy together because that’s what counts at the end of the day. I’m sorry that you’ve been let down by this when you were looking forward to it being a positive experience. My Future Mother-In-Law will make faces and say, “That’s soo expensive” when I tell her how much a dress I like costs (mind you that my parents and I are paying for my dress, not her or her son) or a venue that I like, and I used to get soooo upset and felt like she didn’t want me to have something nice, but really, she’s just very concerned about money and doesn’t want any of us to go broke. But see how I misintrepret her reactions? I’m not saying that you’re misinterpreting her, but perhaps this is just who they are and you’ll just get used to it and not feel offended. That’s how I feel now. Anything that used to make me feel negative, I just ignore now and say something like, “Oh, but you know everyone is going to talk about what I’m wearing Future Mother-In-Law, so it’s important that I wear something nice. We can make cuts somewhere else in the wedding, like the cups or silverware, no one will remember the silverware! Plus I can always resell the dress and get some money back later!” and just be cool about it. You’re going to marry the man you love and have the wedding of your dreams and be happy. Forget the rest of the noise. And don’t lose your composure! 

 

As for that wicked cousin, I see him at certain family gatherings and he will come stand next to me and try to make small talk, and I’ll stand there for a minute or so, and then walk away to ask the host if I can lend them a hand to get away from him lol. It works every single time. I’m not forgiving him until I hear an apology. At first I would have just liked him to apologize to my Fiance, but now that I have a rock on my finger and I’m going to be his future cousin in law, he best apologize if he wants an invitation to my wedding. 🙂

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