(Closed) Advice for moving in together

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

The biggest thing that came up for us was learning that my norms are different from his norms.  So, for me, it’s normal to put a dish in the sink to soak for a while and then wash it.  For him, it’s normal to scrub the shit out of a pan and never leave anything in the sink.  For him, it’s normal to leave clothes in the dryer for WEEKS and just pull them out to wear them.  For me, it’s normal to fold clothing immediately after it’s dry.

We had a conversation about expectations of normal behavior and how one person’s normal is not the same as another person’s.  It’s really helped to realize that!  I think I said to him something like…doing things differently is not the same as doing things incorrectly.  

Post # 19
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

@infinitykindaluv:  My SO and I moved in together in August, and my best advice is to just go with the flow and take things as they come! Are you currently living with your families, or do you guys have your own apartments? I think it was a lot more stressful for SO and I at first because we were living away from our families for the first time AND moving in together at the same time.

Honestly, I thought moving in together would be hard, but it has really been so simple. I just love living with my SO so much that any little spats we get into aren’t even worth it. I feel like we fight less because we don’t have the stress of our parents nagging us all the time, and we have privacy now.

As for bank accounts I would say live together for a few months and then join them after that. We started out with separate bank accounts, but then we realized that it would be a lot better for us paying off our joint CC debt and paying bills to have it together. I think it took the few months of living together first, though, to be comfortable with the fact that it would actually work out LOL.

Post # 20
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@infinitykindaluv:  i have lived with two different boyfriends in my time.  one of them was in california and the other i am engaged to.  i have some REALLY good and honest advice that saved my life when i broke up with bf 1.  

come up with a break up plan.

for example, we knew that he would be able to afford the rent on his own if i moved out.  we knew that i could be removed from the lease with no penalty.  i had a place to live in case we broke up.  we also agreed that everything would be split fairly like the security deposit. 

even with my now Fiance, i didn’t rent out my condo when i moved into his house for 6 months.  i needed to have a place to move to if need be.  

it is a sad sad reason that a girl stays with a guy because she can’t afford not to or because she doesn’t have a place to go.  

Post # 21
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee

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@infinitykindaluv:  You are welcome!! It has been great for the most part, other than some stupid arguments and some frusrations about habits and whatnot. But you and your bf will get through that together and whatnot. Just make sure things are clear and that you are communicating well ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 22
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Washingtonian:  Great advice!!! Dont combine too many things (bank accounts, books, etc) until you are married. Dont get a pet, unless you know who will take it if you break up.

Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to the future. Some people move in together because it is convenient, others because it’s the next step before marriage. Make sure you know which one he is. Also, if you think at some point you maybe might want to marry him, get a timeline. If you think it will take you 1 year to know if you want to marry him, 1 year to be engaged and he thinks it will take 5 years to know if he wants to marry you and 2 years to save money for a house before he gets married…

Post # 23
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@infinitykindaluv:  I have lived with my boyfriend for about a year and a half.  I sat down and calculated our monthly regular bills (water, gas, electric, internet, cell phones, groceries, etc.) and we each contribute half of that amount to a joint account, from which I pay all joint expenses by check or with our debit card.  I strongly suggest doing this rather than a “you take this bill, you take that bill” approach.  This way I don’t feel as if either of us is getting “cheated” so to speak.  It eliminates arguments because we have a set amount set aside from our paychecks for these things, and I calculated a buffer into our contribuitions so we have had no problems so far.

As for other expenses, are you renting or buying a house? If you are buying, think about how to manage expenses such as insurance, random home repairs, etc.  Perhaps another account for that where you each contribute an equal amount monthly would work. 

Post # 24
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oldie, but true: 

Don’t go to bed angry. 

 

You don’t have to resolve the issue before you go to bed; you just have to resolve the anger. 

Post # 25
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@infinitykindaluv:  Congrats!!!  Thats awesome! 

I suggest you do not have a joint account. 

You pay your bills he pays his.  So if you make the same $ you should pay around the same $ in bills.  If you make significantly less you should pay less.  So if he is shelling out 50% of his income on bills and you are shelling out 85% of your income on bills, it isnt fair to you.  I would TRY to make it as even % wise as possible.  That way no one is hurting money wise. 

You will probably fight a lot that first year.  You will think, OMG I cant do this.  You will want to curl in a ball and wish it all away.  TOTALLY NORMAL.  You are getting to really really know eachother.  I mean every bit of each other.  When I moved in with DH while we were still dating the first 3-4 months were great.  Then things got heated….very heated.  We worked through it and now we are married and rarely fight. 

Yes, figure out how you want to do chores before you move in together.  Chances are you will both be on your best behavior for the first few months and do all you can but then it gets old.  You will want your old life back of not caring.  Then you will go back to being yourself and doing what you always do.  Here is an idea of what goes on in my house:

Winter (No yard work): He: cleans bedroom, bathrooms, office, and dining room.

I: Clean kitchen, living room, and guest room

Summer (yard work): He cleans bed room, bathrooms, office and trims outside, landscapes, kills weeds, etc

I: clean kitchen, living room, guest room and dining room, mow grass

And we both do our own laundry. 

 

He would rather spend time outside doing stuff than inside so we accomodate that.  I would rather stay inside in the AC so I do more housework than outside work.  He used to do all the outside work but I would rarely see him and I didnt like that so I learned to operate the mower! lol  Learn what works best for both of you, I am also home more than he is so I can accomplish more. 

As far as cooking, I do it best so I cook.  I make the menu and he pays LOL

Men like to be left alone as soon as they get home, most men anyway.   So let him do his thing for 20-30 mins then you can talk to him about your day. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

 

 

Post # 26
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@infinitykindaluv:  

Have a sense of humour, and strive to always be kind. I do more cleaning and whatnot now that I live with my partner than when I lived alone, because it is a way I show I care. I also point that out to my partner, so he knows how much I love him, too! We have a very similar way of proving that to each other. Figure out which of you likes things cleaner, and keep it to that standard, both of you.

 

figure out a method that seems fair to you on how to pay the bills. My partner was unhappy with us splitting things 50/50, partly because he has always made tons more than me with his salary, and partly because I took a pay cut to move in with him. I wanted to make sure that our money contributions was based on more than just ‘feelings’, though, so we took our yearly pay and worked out what proportion of the household income each of us makes. I give him that percentage of our rent, utilities, etc. and we sit down every month to work out how much extra I have to pay to make up half of our food bill.

 

Post # 27
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@infinitykindaluv:  I would discuss bills before moving in just so you two are in agreement.

Things to consider are: who is actually going to pay the bills ie. press send on the internet or put a stamp on the envelope.

Discuss when each of you get paid and which bills are due during that time frame.

I am sure you won’t have a problem but I did have an experience many years ago where a guy moved in with me and I of course was already covering 100% of the bills.  I told him the grand total of monthly bills and he would never give me money.  He expected me to say “the electric was $85 and its due on whatever date” and he would give me $85 bucks.  My brain does not work like that.  I pay my bills on the day I get paid even if they aren’t due for a few weeks.  Needless to say our living together only lasted about 3 months and I never saw a dime from him.

Post # 28
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Eh, you’ll figure it out when you move together.

The main thing I knew ahead of time was that my toothbrush HAS to stay in the medicine cabinet. Not a big comprimise, I think.

My tip is don’t go crazy buying all your furniture at once. We did and I kid of regret that… my apartment looks like an IKEA showroom.

Like, we didn’t really NEED a kitchen table right off the bat, and I could have built/garage-saled something that fit our needs a bit better.
Now that I think of it, the kitchen table was a HUGE argument which turned to ironically be caused by: hunger. We were too hangry to choose! Luckily IKEA has a cafeteria (I wasn’t kidding about the amount of furniture I have from there)

Post # 29
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

@infinitykindaluv:  Congragulations!! How exciting for you both ๐Ÿ™‚

Personally I wouldnt worry about talking it out too much. My fiance and I didn’t and it’s been amazing!

One thing I would suggest is to talk about finances first. Just so that you both know who is responsible for what. Split everything, joint account, ect…things like that. 

My second peice of advice is to remember that just because you live together does not mean you need to be together 100% of the time. My fiance and I spent the first month living together spending all our time together when we were home. I’d be sitting on the couch watching football when I’d rather be watching say yes to the dress but I felt bad going upstairs and leaving him alone. Turns out that was silly and we now if either of us need to be alone or want to do something else we do it. No big deal!

Good Luck and enjoy ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Post # 30
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

I’m in agreement with most of the other bees here…when me and my SO moved in together, everything sort of just fell into place. For a while there was tension because financially we split everything 50/50 while he makes substantially more than I do. I was feeling the stress of finances while he was always the first one to forcefully suggest ordering in take out or going out to dinner or going out for drinks. But I had to realize — that was on ME, not us. I had to learn to handle my own finances and only agree to what I could pay for. Once I mastered that, it’s been smooth sailing financial wise.

Chores sort of fell into place as well. I’m a slob and he’s neat. But he works far less than I do and has more time to do things like the dishes, and vacuum, and cook. He never complains because he understands that I’m just wired differently than him in terms of cleanliness. I’ve always been messy and that’s never going to change. At least I don’t pee on the toilet seat..! 

Mainly, it’s important not to keep score. Try to not play the “I did this so you have to do that!” game. And just because you live together doesn’t mean you should feel pressured to spend all of your time together. One half of you may wind up feeling smothered. Learn to enjoy your alone time together (if that makes sense). 

Most importantly, ENJOY IT. I love living with my SO. Sometimes I miss my alone time, but the pros far outweigh the cons.

Post # 31
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@infinitykindaluv:  My best advice is to go in with an open-mind. You can make a plan for everything and find that the plan doesn’t work well for you guys. Be open to changing plans and compromising on things.

The one major thing I highly suggest you discuss ahead of time are the bills. Are you planning to split things evenly? Is one of you going to pay more than the other? Is moving out now even financially feasible and, if so, what type of budget are you guys comfortable working with when searching for a place to live?

And be prepared for both or one of you to feel sadness at leaving the nest. I was thrilled to leave my parents’ house (I love them, but I don’t love living with them). . . Fiance, not so much. He was definitely excited, but after we moved he felt really sad because he missed his family. There was always someone around and always some sort of conversation going on – when we moved, that was no longer the case. It was rough for both of us because I felt horrible that I couldn’t make things easier for him.

The worst of it was over after the first month and he has only gotten sad about that stuff once since we got engaged in early November.

 

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