(Closed) Advice for my friend in an LDR

posted 9 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm. As someone who has been in several LDR, and who is one with her fiance right now, I don’t see this as a great situation, honestly. No matter what the distance, “almost every week” doesn’t seem like nearly enough to talk. If you can go a week without any kind of communication, you are probably not as “in it”. I know sometimes LDRs can go on for a long time just because you like knowing there is someone out there that cares for you. It can also be a crutch so that you don’t have to put yourself out there in the real-life dating scene. I don’t know enough to say one way or the other, but limbo is usually never good. My relationship with my Fiance has been 100% different than my other LDRs because there was a level of commitment that made the present and the future much more clear.

Post # 4
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It does seem like maybe she is putting more in than he is.  I wouldn’t suggest her leaving her job since it sounds like a great opportunity and his job doesn’t sound good at all.  I think that you should decide where to go based on which person has better job prospects and the other just needs to find a job.  When my husband and I decided about moving this summer, we moved even though it meant me leaving a job because he was having a hard time finding a job anywhere.

We were in a LDR and honestly we couldn’t go a day without talking to eachother.  With the availability of email and text messages, I don’t see why they couldn’t keep in touch even if they don’t have a very long time to talk on the phone.  I think that if there isn’t any plans to ever live in the same place, that they really need to reconsider the relationship.

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We’re doing a talk-once-a-week LDR, because of time differences. It’s either that or get up at 3am to call each other, and honestly, that’s not happening. That IS possible, and can be done and still be healthy.

That said, LDRs are not easy, and require hard choices. For us, we weren’t willing to get into a relationship in the first place (we have been distance since Day 2) without knowing that there was an end in sight. I am taking time off from my career to go home and marry him. He in turn is making a career shift a few years down the road so we can return here, where I live, and finish the work that I’m doing.

I love my job. I swore up and down that I’d be here for 5 years with minimal breaks or even vacations to the States, but ultimately? I love J more. (We talked about waiting and doing distance for 3+ years then getting married when my contract is up, but decided against it.)

If your friend values her job more than her relationship, than something is obviously missing in the relationship. And if her bf (ex?) values his job or his comfortable living situation more than he values her and their relationship, than something else is missing.

In My Humble Opinion, marriage/a spouse should come before all else (save God, for us), and relationships that don’t lead to marriage… well, that’s a personal choice, but I’ve reached a stage in my life where they’re a waste of time. Frankly, I don’t see any benefit to a LDR that isn’t going anywhere.

I guess your friend needs to figure out 1) what benefit the relationship is to her, 2) if the relationship has any potential for a future – can they compromise?, 3) why she wants to be with this guy – and if it’s enough of a reason to stay with him despite the distance, and 4) what her priorities are. If job is top of the list, then that’s that. 

It can be scary to be single, especially after a long time with one person, but it’s also a great time to grow, and it sounds like she’s somewhere that she loves being, so it might be a good environment for her to try out being single. I loved being single (kind of miss it sometimes, but J is more than worth it), even though it took me several disastrous relationships to get there. For you, I would say encourage her in her choice to be single if that’s what she goes with – it really can be fabulous!

Post # 6
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s so hard to judge because every relationship is different.  I know the girls above say that they talked to their SO every day that they were apart, and so did my Fiance and I.  We were long distance for a year and saw each other once a month.  Sometimes were would go a day without talking, at the most.

I think what I would tell your friend that long distance relationships are hard, they involve a lot of work because you don’t have the person right by you to make you happy when you need it.  I think that anyone in a long distance relationship needs to ask themselves whether it’s worth it, whether their time together and the time that they connect has enough happiness in it for her to continue.  And whether she sees a future in the relationship.

Sometimes long distance relationships can last years and years, but that’s because it’s worth it in the long run to the people in it.

Post # 7
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think that talking once a week is far too little to have a functioning LDR… It doesn’t seem like it’s really going in a healthy direction so I’d say they need to have a conversation/come up with some sort of compromise to turn the ldr into a sdr, or perhaps go their separate ways

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