(Closed) advice for newly engaged/newly married couples

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@slicey19: This! I remember the fun side of planning, but also planning for our life together at the same time. I think of our engagement period as the trial period for our marriage. We fought and bickered more while we were engaged than before because of the wedding planning and future planning. We both had strong opinions about what we wanted for the wedding as well as our future (i.e. condo purchase). Through this, we learned better to communicate and compromise our needs and desires. Our 10 month engagement really laid the foundation for our marriage through the good stuff (wedding planning) and bad stuff (fights). Even right before our wedding, I remember thinking about this as the beginning of our future, not some event to cross off the checklist of life (engagement, marriage, babies). I remember feeling not only that we affirmed ourselves to our family and friends as a couple, but as a family to each other.

Post # 18
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@bakerella: <– Totally agree!! This works really well! The ‘don’t go to bed angry’ is not very useful at all. It is actually counter-productive. I mean, why would you wanna talk when you are ‘angry’? Clearly you will end up saying things you will regret in your non-angry moment. That just creates more problems in the long run… I’ve tried both ways and the former works much better.

Post # 19
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

know and act their love language

respect

always give your partner the benefit of the doubt…NEVER “attack” your partner

HAVE FUN! Darling Husband and I have fun with eachother every day. This is so important. This fun reminds me of why he is also my best friend. 

Appreciate your partner and express this appreciation as often as possible

support your partner through everything (obviously there will be times when you have a different opinion but you must support each others decisions!)

always be honest with your partner. 

say your please and thank you’s. this might sound silly to some people but Darling Husband and I almost always say please and thank you to each other. these should not go out the window when you get married/move in together. If your partner makes you a sandwich you thank them. if you want them to hand you the remote say please. 

BE KIND. sure, there are times to tease and be silly. but the majority of the time you should be kind to your partner (i think this sums up most of my points).

I feel I am missing something….

My Darling Husband is the love of my life and my best friend. I think he deserves the best of me. Of course Darling Husband  and I have never discussed the items above but we follow them in our daily lives and interaction with each other. these have realy made us a strong and loving couple and it shows! 😉

Post # 20
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

-Try to remember there are always two perspectives in an argument, you might not understand WHY he feels a certain way, but acknowledge that you hear his point of view.

-Make sure you let eachother know that you appreciate one another

-RESPECT, I have seen a marriage fall apart recently and its pretty clear that it ended because of a basic lack of respect going both ways.  

Post # 21
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with Bakerella.  Go to bed angry!  I find that sometimes, when we fight, we start to get irrational and we can’t seem to get it worked out and it only makes us even angrier.  By sleeping on it, we can wake up with a fresh look at the fight and can work it out better than before.  Plus, after sleeping on it, we aren’t as angry about the situation as we may have been the night before. 

 

Post # 22
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

Remember that you’re a team! There are going to be things that life throws at you that aren’t going to be easy, but the two of you are in it together! Even if you fight…that’s ok! I am with the ones who say to go to bed angry. I always find that when we’ve had a chance to sleep on it, our anger subsides in the morning and we’re more interested in making up than continuing the fight.

Post # 23
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bakerella: Totally agree!! Our worst fights are the ones where we try to hash it out in one sitting. One of us walks away (and usually not very nicely), we sulk for a few hours or over night. Then when we come back to talk about it, it gets resolved rather quickly and painlessly.

I agree with so much that people saying, but the book I love most is “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…and How You Can Make Yours Last” by John Gottman

I learned that 1) to keep your relationship healthy, you need a 3 to 1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interaction 2)it’s not important *that* you fight, it’s *how* you fight that will determine whether you will get a divorce and 3) 75% of all your fights/disagreements will never get resolved–learn to live with them or find a solution you both can live with.

Post # 24
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Always show love and respect for one another, work together as a team always to make decisions, be willing to compromise, and discuss each issue rationally as adults to end fights quickly. I agree to go to sleep angry if you’re unable to think rationally because you’re overly stressed or tired at the moment.

Post # 25
Member
572 posts
Busy bee

Wedding: Remember that it is about the two of you, not anyone else. Focus on the marriage (the outcome) and not the wedding. Enjoy the process and support each other. Make sure the wedding reflects you. Don’t let others dictate. Surround yourselves with those that love and support you as a couple.

 

Marriage: Once you realize that it is hardly ever 50/50, you will be home free. There will be times when it is 70/30, 60/40 even 80/20. That is life and this is a journey….together! Choose everyday to love your partner (love is a choice). There will be time when you want to go to be angry because…welll you are angry!!! LOL

 

Most important…keep a sense of humor and LAUGH!!!

Post # 27
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I didn’t really understand what all the ‘work’ people said marriage was… what I’ve found is it takes a lot of self-sacrifice and putting the other persons needs/wants ahead of your own.  There’s balance in there, obviously – because hopefully your partner is doing the same for you.  But, it’s easy to get into the trap of:  well, I’m doing x, y, and z – why aren’t you doing: a, b, c.

All that said, here’s my advice:

1.  Know yourself.  

2.  Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Those two things really help manage expectations, allow you to communicate what you need/want/desire, and help with disappointment (from unmet expectations).

Someone gave me the best advice when I was dating:  assume the other person has your best in mind.

I really think that’s KEY in marriage.  Assuming your spouse is not a horrible person/abuser, etc. – even though it may not feel like it, chances are – their actions are intended to please you – not frustrate or disappoint you.  

Best words of wisdom that I carry with me always….

 

Post # 28
Member
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Don’t create or encourage drama!  I know so many women who seem to create drama in their relationships and draw attention to themselves because it makes them feel better. Life doesn’t have to be that complicated or dramatic unless that’s the way you like it…

Appreciate the life and relationship that you have – it can be too easy to idolise or compare yourself to other couples but at the end of the day, nobody’s relationship is perfect.

Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.  I don’t think it helps either partner, nor does it show a lot of respect if one partner is constantly running back to Mum and Dad or a 3rd party when things go wrong.  Yes for seeking the counsel and advice of somebody you trust, but no to moaning about your marriage / life / relationship on Facebook, to your workmates etc etc.

And last but not least, do stuff together!  Take walks, play boardgames – just do it together!

Post # 30
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Read the Five Love Languages.

Its something that churches really encourage couples to read, but regardless of your background or beliefs, its very interesting.  Basically, the premise is that everyone communicates their love in a certain way – its their love language.  (The five are quality time, words of encouragement, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service).  

Most miscommunications then stem from one partner wanting the other to “speak” to them in THEIR love language.  But your partner may “speak” another language.  Understanding what your language is, and what your partner’s language is, and trying to speak to one another the right way, will reallllly help those newlywed miscommunications.  

My love language is gifts (with acts of service being a runner up) and my husband’s is physical touch (with words of encouragement being runner up).  We are realizing that a lot of the times when one of us feels taken for granted or ignored is really mostly rooted in one of us not speaking to the other in their love language.  Just a few tweaks in your behavior can make SUCH a huge difference!

 

Post # 31
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

One BIG hunk of advise: NEVER let your pride win you over & keep you from saying sorry. Talk things out, never go to bed mad as someone metioned above. Compromise. 50/50 ALWAYS! Never try to win a loosing battle, remember that you are both on the same team and are taking on life and its challenges together! 🙂 Happy planning and congrats on getting engaged! 🙂

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