(Closed) advice for newly engaged/newly married couples

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 33
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, many people in the ‘dont go to bed mad’ camp. We are totally the other way. And I know if we followed this our marriage would be greatly harmed! I guess the key is *agree* whether  you guys are a ‘don’t go to bed mad’ couple or a ‘go cool off, even it means going to bed mad’ couple. Try it both ways and see what works best.

Post # 34
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@heatherleah:

 Every time you fight about something petty and can’t let it go, take a second to ask yourself: “will this be a significant issue in 5 years?”  It has helped me get passed the little things like leaving q tips in the bathroom, lol!

Also, for wedding planning: Before we changed our date to next year, I really did not stop to truly think about what he would love about our wedding, we always think the men do not get as involved as we do.  Now we changed our date back a year, and I am incorporating things he likes, like fishing, the color green, a kaiky suit, and pie(he doesn’t like cake too much) into our wedding, and he is getting really excited about the wedding now.  I also told him to pick a destination— any destination in the world for our honeymoon, because it does not matter to me where we go, I will be so happy…. we could go to antartica and as long as I’m with him, it doesn’t matter.  He chose Costa Rica, and now he’s even more excited.  point being… Really try to incorporate his interests and things he likes……. even if he doesn’t say what he wants we know what they like, so try to incorporate it, and he will be a lot more excited about the actual wedding day ( :

Post # 35
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

If you tend to get into little stupid arguments or bicker a lot, come up with a code word that signals that the issue needs to be dropped immediately, no matter who started it. We chose the word “Cornelius”. This is a new thing for us but so far it has worked wonders. We tend to get into the dumbest fights (especially when driving!) and this past weekend we used it and I think just having that system in place helped us not to fight!

Post # 36
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@PitBulLover: That is so cute! And I love that idea, just hope you don’t name a child or pet Cornelius 🙂

Post # 38
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@bakerella: I sort of agree with you, but in a little more moderate of a way.  I don’t think every fight needs to be completely resolved in one sitting, and I agree that late-night fighting is usually ineffective.  But I try to remember (and push on Darling Husband to remember) that we love each other first, we will resolve this fight, we both want the other one to be happy, and we’ll work out the details in the morning.  No matter how much we’re fighting or pissy, we always kiss goodnight.  I think having that as a rule defuses the anger, so when we talk about it the next day or whenever, it’s usually a quick “I’m sorry,” “I’m sorry too,” followed by a calm discussion about what we can do in the future to avoid having the same fight again.

Post # 39
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Always be the first to say you’re sorry.

Rather than fight naked, just don’t fight at all.

Pray together. Seriously.

Post # 40
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sometimes when we argue and its getting ugly, I’ll get up, and sit next to him and cuddle, and continue talking/arguing. It’s REALLY hard to be a jerk off if you’re like 3 inches away from their face 🙂

Post # 41
Member
3199 posts
Sugar bee

I am in the go to bed angry camp, but my Fiance is in the never go to bed angry camp. So I usually just talk it out with him rather than taking my space. I figure that if I have the self control to not say things that I’ll regret when he wants to talk things out, and I can avoid hurting him by walking away to cool off, we might as well just do it his way. 

I like the “pick your battles” and consider if this will be truly important to you, not just in 5 years, but 5 weeks or months. 

I think it is really important to see where the other person is coming from when you are arguing about something.. This is great for people who are at any stage, but mostly for people starting to thing about marriage/ newly engaged because it can really show you and your SO where your priorities and beliefs differ, which could help you see if you are really compatible. 

That’s about it I guess…I think just be flexible on the things that aren’t dealbreakers!

Post # 42
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@JeffsWifey: Totally disagree with ‘don’t fight at all’. You can’t just stifle your problems and hope they go away.

Post # 43
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I fully support the Love Languages idea! I’m a Quality Time then Acts of Service. He’s a Words of Affirmation then Physical touch. Knowing what “speaks” to each of us helps us know what to do to express love, but also what ways of expressing dissatisfaction are going to be detrimental to the relationship.

I also advocate sharing things with each other. For instance, I use my pintrest boards to show him things that are on my mind and catch my fancy. He talks, but I’m not so good at expressing myself with words.

Post # 44
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@bakerella: 100% agreed. We went to bed furious with each other last night, but I’m glad we didn’t try to talk it out then, because we were both tired and cranky, it would not have gone well. I’m sure well talk about it this afternoon, much more calmly.

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