(Closed) Advice for prospective adoptive parents?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 4
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissGreen: I really wouldn’t worry about that big fear. You’re the ones who’ve raised them and loved them and they’ll love you. If you’re open about the relationship with the child and help them out and stand by them if they do want to find their birth parents they’ll love you all the more for it. For a lot of people it’s not who gave birth to them, but who looks after, raises and loves them that they consider parents.

Personally, I’m so glad that you’re so concerned for your future adopted child(ren) My mother was adopted and she’s actually been diagnosed with post traumatic stress from all the events in her childhood in regards to her adopted parents. Just love and care for your kids and they’ll love you no matter what.

Post # 6
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MissGreen: I hope I cover all the bases here – or at least most of them. If you have more questions PLEASE feel free to PM me! Here goes.

My younger sister (and various cousins, but that’s another story) are adopted. In total, there are 7 adopted children in my extended family. My sister is now 10 (in January), and we adopted her when she had just turned 4. She was actual a student in my mom’s preschool class, and had a really awful biological background situation, as well as foster history. Her foster family she was with at that point adopted her infant bio brother but told DCYF that sister had to be out by the last day of (pre!)school – they didn’t want to adopt her.

She had already been given 2 “family” books (where adopted children are told, this will be your new dad, new mom, etc) two different times, but then when the adoptive parents received HER book, they changed their minds. she was diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and that scared them off.

My mom was so horrified by all this (she knew much of the information as her teacher, as well as finding out through other sources that knew the foster family). She talked to some people to pull strings and was able to get her into our house before school ended. Previously, my parents were not even registered as fosters, and never had fostered before. My mom so desperately did not want sister to get thrown back into the system that she and my dad spent HOURS and hours each week taking classes and getting certified.

Sister moved in with us in June of that year, and her adoption was finalized that December.

I’m not going to lie – it was really, really tough. There were ups – like when she first stopped calling my mom, “Mrs. First Name” (like preschool) to “Mom” – and then downs, where she would yell at my mom, “f**k you!” (yes, she was four..and in a size 2T. scary little thing!).

However, through it all, my parents created and stuck with a serious routine, to prove to her that she wasn’t going to be sent back. It took a couple years, but she’s amazing today. They always let her see her biological siblings (who she now calls her “friends,” all five of them in state!) She knows she has a bio mom and dad, old foster parents, etc.

My parents HAVE had an issue with her old foster family. They lived a couple streets over from us at the time of the adoption, and since have moved, but are still in the same town. My parents run into them everywhere. At first it was horrible, because my sister remembered them and would act out for weeks after, but she doesn’t remember them much anymore.

Obviously every case is different, but I think that any child goes through the phase where they resent their parents. I cringe when I remember shouting, “I hate you!” to my parents. My parents surely will have those issues with my younger sister, but the positives outweigh the negatives. As long as you recognize to the child (when he/she and you are ready to) that they do have other family members, and you’ll tell them all the information you can (or are comfortable sharing), you’ll be okay.

I commend you so much for thinking of adoption. I think it’s amazing. Tough, but amazing.

Sorry so long! I hope I didn’t lose you. If I forgot to answer anything, again, feel free to PM me. Smile

Post # 7
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissGreen: *massive huge hugs* I know all about the getting hurt part. The amount of times i’ve been there for my mum because of it all is ridiculous. But adoption is (mostly) a wonderful thing. There will always be hardships but that’s what comes with being a parent. For what it’s worth; I think you’ll be great 🙂

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