Post # 1
I almost never give my single friends advice about dating, because I know for a fact that I am no relationship expert … but if they ask for advice or if I’m feeling like I want to put my nose in their business when I totally shouldn’t … I always tell them one piece of my "wise old almost married ladies advice" …
Talk about it.
For us, the reason we are so happy and the reason we are getting married, and the reason we just "knew" we were going to be together forever is because we can talk about eveything. There was never a point in our relationship where we couldnt tell each other everything. We don’t keep secrets and we aren’t afraid to let our feelings out. If I am mad at him, I tell him. If I’m annoying him, he tells me. If I’m feeling like I really love him for no reason at all — I tell him that too, completely out of the blue I will tell him that I love him, and he will tell me, and it just works.
So what advice do you give to your single friends? Any "wise old almost married lady advice" to share?
Post # 3
Ug….for starters, when I was a single lady, I was always annoyed when someone would tell me "Don’t worry, it will happe for you someday." I was actually pretty happy in my single life. Anyone that I dated I didn’t "need" until I met my Fiance when I realized I couldn’t live without him. Did anyone else have that patronizing pitying stance from their non-single friends.
And this is not a slam on you, lovely Humarockbride, your post just brought back memories from my single life. Good topic!
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2020 - The Homestead, Hot Springs, Virginia
i have a few girlfriends who are on the dating scene and really want to get married. they are really beautiful, accomplished, and nice women! however, i think they scare men away by being too serious or assertive about their want for a commitment too soon. so i always tell them to just relax and not be so high pressure! i don’t know if that’s great advice, as it’ll be four years between the time mr. p and i first started dating and our wedding.
but i’m also with you, Humarock, talking is good!
Post # 5
No worries Jenny — I figured there would be some strong opinions on this one! I was one of the first of my friends to get into a serious relationship so I really didnt have that problem, but I try SO SO hard to avoid saying those types of things to my single friends. We’re only 25, no one should be in any sort of rush!
Post # 6
My fi is the only guy I ever dated. So I don’t really give out dating advice to my single friends. Other than putting yourself out there. If you stay home every weekend, it isnt going to help you find someone. You never know where you are going to find someone, so enjoy being single and when it happens it happens.
Post # 7
Perfume- I totally agree.
My girlfriends, who are so amazing (by the way) need to stop looking for men and start living life! If you are happy with who you are and content with yourself, great guys will flock to you!
I tell them to stop looking for their husband and start enjoying where they are at in life. When they are really doing that, the right guy will come.
Also (and I know I was guilty of this at times too), my girlfriends seem to automatically dismiss the really nice guys who are totally into them, while falling for the completely unattainable, he’s not that into you kind of guy. Why do so many women want the ones they can’t have while ignoring and disdaining the ones they can?
Post # 8
After watching "He’s Just Not That Into You" with the hubs, I really wanted to tell my single gal pals who have been unlucky in relationships "WATCH THIS! This is why your relationships don’t work out!" They love to overanalyze and obsess over every little detail and somehow, the conclusion is always "and because he said this and because he did that, he must absolutely be interested, even though he hasn’t called in a week". I always want to tell them "Don’t sit around and obsess and wait for him! You deserve so much better than this! Forget him, move on and be okay with just being your fabulous self, single or attached."
Post # 9
I think I have kind of a different perspective than most people. When I was single, I BADLY wanted to meet the person who would become my husband. I was living my life, happily, but I couldn’t kid myself that I felt fulfilled and loved. I was lonely. So I actively worked on meeting someone — lots of dates, match.com, etc. This isn’t to say all single women feel the need to do this, but I certainly did. So while I feel like it’s good to tell people "just live your life and it will happen," I don’t think that’s always true. The fact is, some of us did have to "get out there" and actively try to meet people through websites, singles events, etc. It doesn’t mean they weren’t "living life" — it just meant that we knew our first priority was to meet our husbands. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
My advice (which again is kind of different than everyone else’s) is to not feel that your needs are secondary. Sure, you don’t want to pressure a guy to get married, but at the same time, I think it is good to tell a guy after 6 months or so that you’re dating to find the RIGHT person, not just to date. You’re entitled to be honest about your goals. In the same line of thinking, when you’re ready to get married, I think it’s ok to express that as well. The simple fact is that as women, we DON’T have all the time in the world, at least if we want to have kids. Men simply don’t have the same considerations. When my boyfriend and I had been together for two years, I was ready and I let him know that. I didn’t want to date for another year or too. He needed to make a decision, or I needed to move on and find a guy who was ready to be married and have a family.
So, I know that is all pretty different advice — I guess it just depends on who you’re talking to! 🙂
Post # 10
@chicagowife- I agree with you in the sense that you can’t meet people if you are not out there. But I feel like so many of my girlfriends look at the guys they are dating and ask themselves, "Are you my husband?" They put so much pressure on these guys and are so aggressive that they scared them away.
I went out a fair amount, but I was enjoying the moment and not thinking about whether the guy was my future mate. Part of living your life is going on dates… but as soon as those dates morph into husband trials, things get weird, you know?
Post # 11
I agree, chicagowife. I think that if either a man or woman in a relationship feels it is time to move to the next level, they should feel comfortable saying that. If you have the type of relationship where you CAN’T say that, or if you do, your SO will refuse or get all nervous, then there’s a good chance that’s a relationship that SHOULDN’T progress forward. I’ve known a few very sweet people who were honestly, for one reason or another, afraid of commitment. If that’s the case, then yeah, you can work on that. But there’s no reason to beat around the bush about wanting to be serious.
But I also agree with emileee… some women get WAY too hung up on stupid little "signs" that are really nothing at all as somehow being indicative that men secretly love them or that they have a good relationship. I’ve been seeing it happen since middle school, and it was just as stupid then as it is now.
So I guess my advice is don’t hang around for losers, either ones that won’t commit or ones that treat you poorly. You either will find someone better, or you’ll be happier without the deadbeat.
Post # 12
I don’t give my single friends advice, because the one that could use it the most, will not accept help.
She’s very clingy, needy, rude, and kinda childish in relationships. She meets a guy and OBSESSES over him. I just stopped talking to her about her love life.
I never had anyone give me advice, but, I wasn’t ever without a boyfriend in high school or college (I’ve only dated 3 guys- one from freshman- sophomore year in high school, the next from Junior year- beginning of sophomore year in college, and the last (my FI) from sophomore year in college until now.).
I guess I didn’t need the advice. But, I don’t want to tell my friends anything, because I’m a little… out there… and I don’t think they’d appreciate my ‘help.’
Post # 13
@doctor girl. That is a good point, but I think you and I just have different experiences, which is ok! 🙂 I was certainly "living my life" while single — I went to law school, had tons of friends, had hobbies, was healthy. But for me, my most important goal at that time was to find my husband. I enjoyed dating in some sense, but for me, to be honest, after a certain age, each relationship WAS a husband trial. Of course I wouldn’t tell a guy that right away (you don’t want to freak anyone out!), and I was never harsh or quick with my judgments, but at the end of the day, I was dating in order to find a husband. And I think that’s ok. Different strokes and all.
I’m sure I took it way too personally, but when people said "just relax and let it happen," (a) they didn’t seem to realize how lonely I was, (b) were usually in relationships, and (c) it made me feel like they were calling me desperate. For me, "relax and let it happen" wasn’t good advice. I met my husband when I proactively went out seeking my future hubby! 🙂
Post # 14
I have read this post a couple of times and was trying to decide about posting a comment or not-I finally decided to do it. After I got divorced and got to the time when I started to feel like I was ready to start dating, the mother of one of my best girlfriends told me some exellent advice (we’ve been friends since high school so you could say that we’re close-best friends for over 20 years!) she told me "date ’em by the dozen". I laughed out loud! She was right. She told me to take this opportunity to date guys that I would have never considered going out with before-she was right!!!
I had been with ex-husband since I was 18 and we then got married 6 years later so I never really did that-we were engaged thru college and then got married. I dated guys-musicians, older, younger, computer smart guy, dad guy-I sure did. It was incredibly liberating when I did that because the whole idea of dating is to have fun-like some of the bees here have alluded to-every date is not perspective husband hunting! I see that with my girlfriends who are single now-they ask me, so I tell them-go on a date with the expectation of having fun-nothing more. That really takes the pressure off of themselves and of the guy.
I met David-my FI-when I stepped outside that box! We met online dating and he was not anything that my profile said I wanted. He has a great job, works hard, etc. but doesn’t have a college degree-which had pretty much been a prerequisite for me in the past. He does not have one, and I don’t care! He makes a good living, is honest, sweet, kind, romantic,loves me, loves my kids…and I would have totally missed out on the person who I believe is my soul mate if I hadn’t stepped outside the box. I tell my girlfriends that all the time.
I also tell them that unless the date is REALLY THAT awful, that almost always say yes to a 2nd date. 1st dates are usually lousy times for your best presentation of yourself and a guy you may not have been into on the first date, you may be totally into on your 2nd date-he was nervous, you were nervous-unless he does something totally gross or inappropriate, say yes to date #2!
Post # 15
As a 29 year old bride to be, I am the last to get married, literally, therefore I do NOT share any advice as I hated hearing it when I was single and don’t wanna give it to others, not that they would ask me for it…lol…