Advice for taking space from a friendship?

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Agree with PPs. She sounds obsessive and mentally unstable. This is not a normal friendship. I have long distance friendships and two of them are my bffs, and even we don’t skype 2-4 hours every weekend, that’s excessive.

I think you need to break up, not space. Which ever way you “break up” with her, please just take care of your wellbeing. She sounds like someone who would do stalker-ish things (like those abusive stalking ex bfs). Tell your fiance, your parents, your sisters, anyone who has met her, that you have ended the friendship and to not let her contact/stalk them and you.

Post # 18
Member
6530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I stopped reading when you said she burst into tears at your sister’s house. How have you not dumped her already, OP?! My mother lives in my house with me and I don’t spend as much time talking to her as you just shared about this long distance friendship. You have excessive levels of patience because just reading your post, I want to tell this person to back up and fuck off. Forever.

It is not your responsibility to be this degree of connected with her- or with ANYONE. Not a romantic partner, not even your CHILD. I would tell my son to back up and give me some space if he was up under me the way you described this woman being for DAYS on end. What the ever loving fuck?! She needs a bunch of help, but that isn’t your issue or responsibility. You are a person who belongs to yourself with agency and sovereignty over yourself. You don’t belong to her, you don’t owe her any amount of time or connection but what you choose to give her. She is asking entirely too much and you are well within your rights (and long overdue) to tell her to back off.

Her needs sound completely suffocating and ridiculous. She needs some therapy for her attachment issues. Hopefully she will do that with the free time she will have after you let her know you need some space. NOW.

Post # 19
Member
5124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

This is so scary. I’d be terrified that she would stalk and harrass You, even possibly hurt you if you wanted to cool the friendship. At this point you need to tell your family and other friends about her and to stay close with you after you cut her off. It needs to be swift, don’t let her manipulate you into feeling guilty. She needs professional help.

Post # 21
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m intrigued that you say you need to speak with your therapist to see if breaking off the friendship entirely is what you want. Is there a part of you that WANTS this friendship to continue? What exactly do you get from this that’s positive? (I’m not trying to suggest that there can’t be anything positive from the friendship, but I would think that her obvious obsession with you would just sour anything that was once positive.) 

Honestly, OP, I don’t think you can put up boundaries and have her respect them. She obviously doesn’t have the ability to recognize social propriety to begin with, so recognizing and respecting boundaries doesn’t sound possible for her. Take all the time you need to figure this out, of course, but I don’t think there’s any real solution other than to cut her off entirely, so you might just be wasting your time and emotional energy on this when, in the end, restructuring the relationship will never work anyway. Her behavior is indicative of something incredibly unhealthy, and that’s not going to get better for her without some serious effort on her part with her own therapist. 

Post # 22
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

isoldeabandoned :  

My armchair analysis is that your friend is into women and maybe doesn’t realize it or is in denial about it. You are the closest thing she has to what she actually wants. 

I think you need to have a frank discussion with her. Do it at least over skype or the phone and not through text. Tell her you feel like what she wants from you is more than friendship and you need it to be just friendship and see where the conversation goes. She may not even realize she’s acting like she’s trying to date you. 

 

Post # 26
Member
603 posts
Busy bee

Your friend sounds like a psycho, very frightening behaviour. 

I wouldn’t take space, I would end the friendship altogether, it’s completely toxic, she sounds completely toxic. Manipulative, controlling, trying to guilt trip you, trying to put you down by ‘pitying’ you for not having as great a life as her

This is a time you should be enjoying your engagement and wedding planning not dealing with this kind of crap. These people don’t change. No matter what you do or how you suit her it won’t be enough, it won’t be right.

Get her out of your life.

Post # 27
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Wow, OP, so she replied to your email right away? Good thing you realized all this sooner than later. Imagine the tantrum she’ll throw when you decide not to have her as a bridesmaid or something.

She is super toxic and would never change, as shown from her previous friendships. Did you reply to her email? Doesn’t seem like there’s a need to anyway. She’s ending the friendship herself.

Post # 28
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

isoldeabandoned :  Nah, she’s trying to manipulate you and change the narrative. You called her out and now that she sees that her guilt trip didn’t work she’s trying to make you think you are blowing this all out of proportion. she’s even threatening harm. As soon as you started to pull back she revealed that she’s been self-harming. She’s basically trying to prevent you from exiting the relationship by implying that anything that happens to her in your fault. Get out now.

Post # 29
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee

Well, shit, that took a pretty serious turn.  I just wanted to know what the hell you talk about for 3-4 hours every week.  Because I just had dinner with a very good friend after not having a chance to talk for about two months due to schedules and I was tapped out after about two hours.  I think in hour three we ended up talking about the football playoffs and our favorite topical analgesic rubs.

 

In all seriousness, if she is self-harming then I’m going to guess there are a few legitimate DSM diagnoses there that may explain her recent behavior.  And if it is a pattern that tends to repeat/cycle, I’m going to guess there is really nothing that will improve that.  I think either being done completely or drawing very strict boundaries and having the friendship on your terms (ex. calls only once a month, etc.) Is the only way you can survive this friendship with your sanity.  Personally, I would just be done.

Post # 30
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

This all exactly describes an abusive relationship, possibly driven by BPD. I say that because she sounds exactly like my niece, right down to the pattern of failed friendships and relationships. Luckily she has given you the perfect out with this email. You will not be able to explain your feelings to her, abusive people do not hear them and use them against you. So don’t even try. Simply respond that this friendship has run its course and good luck in her future, then block everywhere. I expect a lot of rage coming from her when you do this. A LOT.

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