Advice for taking space from a friendship?

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 32
Member
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would tell her you are not equipped to deal with her issues and recommend she get help. Then wish her well and end the friendship. I’m amazed you have tolerated this behavior for any length of time at all. My guess is she was always this way but that it was under wraps early on and worsened when you life became predictably focused on your fiance. 

In a relationship or not, I’m not as sure as you that she has no romantic feelings for you. She sounds unstable, but she is also not your responsibility. 

Post # 33
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yeah this is all kinds of insane. I would just reply and say, your response to my email was a continuation of the inappropriate behavior I experienced from you on our recent visit. I am not responsible for your well being or happiness, you are. Because you are currently not able to understand that distinction and because we are not on the same page with what is healthy and normal for a friendship I am going to have to step back and end this friendship. I wish you the best. 

Post # 34
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

mrsssb :   I like this.

OP: I am curious if she also changes jobs frequently. This is also a pattern with my neice. And it’s always someone else’s fault or someone was “out to get her”. With all the jobs she’s had and lost or quit, the common denominator is her.

Post # 35
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honestly, I think you need to cut ties immediately with her and move on with your life. This is not a friendship. She is obsessed with you and has seemed to place all of her happiness based on your friendship and is now trying to manipulate you by saying she has been self harming. I have had to end friendships because of people being too intense for me and suffocating me, but this is a whole other level. And this is a long distance friendship. I can’t even imagine what this would be like if you lived close to each other. Don’t let her convince you otherwise, because based on what you’ve written, she seems like always point fingers at you to make you feel badly for being a bad friend. Just the 4 hour skype calls every weekend is way more than I would do for any of my best friends. It’s just too much. Focus on your professional life and on your fiancé (congrats by the way) and that’s it. Block her phone number and everything so that she can’t get in touch with you. 

Post # 36
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

One thing that took me way too long to figure out: be wary of people who no long term friendships. 

I became fast friends with too many people (mostly women, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen for men as well) who went from zero to sixty and were suddenly my bff in no time only to have them start confiding in me about how past friends screwed them over or were jealous and torched the relationship. Something all of these friendships of mine had in common? They ended. Usually dramatically and I am sure they are now telling their new bffs about how terrible I was. 

Post # 37
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

katebluestone :  Good question. I had a friend who always seemed to be victimized by family, friends and work colleagues. I would always think oh, poor so-and-so, everyone has been so rotten to her. Until we had a falling out over a disagreement and then she blabbed to anyone who would listen about how I victimized her and was a horrible person. Needless to say, she always has new friends but never old, hasn’t had a committed relationship in over a decade and hasn’t stayed at a job for more than a year. 

Post # 38
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

rainbowduckie :  This is 100% my niece. She has been employed for awhile now, but it’s a temp agency, which honestly is perfect for her. She works different places but never long enough to blow it up and get fired or quit. She has one friend that she’s known for quite awhile, but this friend is not good. So they actually work well for each other. I do feel sorry for her, because she desperately needs therapy. She has gone several times, but never likes the therapist so quits after one meeting :/

The thing that makes me crazy is that she is a VERY talented artist, and could totally make a fine living from it. She could sell the hell out of her paintings, sculptures, drawings, etc. This to me would be the answer for her – working for herself! But she doesn’t and I don’t know why.

OP: Sorry to derail!

Post # 39
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

rainbowduckie :  Yup!

The most recent one who did this to me told me a long story about a group of people who tormented her and continued to spread lies even years later. I ended up getting a job where one of them worked. She actually told me to turn it down, because that person would creep her on social media so often they would know who I was and make my life hell. I didn’t take that advice and started working on the job. I was wary of this person but eventually started chatting with her a bit. After a while, I casually mentioned my friend. Not only did she have no idea I was friends with her, she was also a lovely person who honestly gave no shits about my friend. When I mentioned her name I could tell she hadn’t even thought about her in years. She didn’t talk negatively about her at all and never even let on that they had had past drama

Post # 40
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

strawberrysakura :  Wow this friend is clearly mentally unstable. But even if this was a family member that would still be way to much to expect from them and a boss definitely same deal. Dunno why you state it’s a friend like they are inherently less important than a family member or a boss. Toxic obsessive people do not get a ticket to be a toxic obsessive person no matyer who they are. Blood or being a boss doesn’t give someone the green light.

Post # 41
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

soexcited123 :  What the…

You misunderstood. I never said a friend was less important than a family member or a boss. My point was that we often find the need to be more accomodating to a family member or a boss than we otherwise might be, whereas with a friend we don’t need to tolerate any more toxicity than necessary. 

Post # 42
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

strawberrysakura :  this poster has a tendency to obsess over friends being more, or less, important than family.  If there’s anything in a post that even slightly indicates that you view family relationships differently than friendships then she will find it.   

Post # 43
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Op, I had a friend like this.  In fact, she was my oldest and closest (at one time) friend.   Something changed with us in college though.  Nothing I said or did was right . She jumped all over me for seemingly innocent things.  (One time she screamed at me because i referred to her neighbors as kids and then started crying hysterically and telling me that I was always condescending to her and physically ran down the street to get away from me) I moved for school and the space was refreshing.   I was surrounded by people i didn’t have to walk on eggshells around and i felt i could be myself.   When I got back though things were worse with her.  She was constantly sending me articles on how to be a better friend and texting me about things i did wrong. She also wanted me to devote every weekend to hanging out with her and wanted us to talk every day about “deep things” She would become enraged if i hung out with anyone else and would cry hysterically,  saying that she didn’t know them.  She’d say that real friendships were ones you made in childhood and that adult friendships weren’t real.  The breaking point for me was when she sent a text listing out all the things i did “wrong” and steps i could take to become a better friend.  These were things going back to 1st grade.  I cut her out and it was such a relief.  She ended up contacting me years later apologizing.   She was bipolar and on a bunch of meds and had also discovered that she was in love with me and didn’t know what to do with those feelings and turned them into obsessive friendship.  We’re still not friends but it was a relief to hear that there was a reason behind the way she acted. So, you’re not crazy or a bad friend or anything else your friend is trying to tell you that you are.  You’ll feel so much relief when you cut this friend off.  

Post # 44
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee

Yikes! Well, at least she showed her true colors and you don’t feel guilty about ending the friendship anymore. So sorry you had to deal with this, OP!

Post # 45
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

After reading through your updates, I will say that while she sounds like a very EXTREME example, I have been in your friend’s shoes before. I have been that unmarried friend in a long-distance friendship who wants our friendship to regain or retain its strength, go on trips, etc. I was also someone who plans a lot in the future and I thought up all these potential fantasy trips as well. I’ve been insecure about my friendships, jealous, upset, lost, all of it. I’ve also been that person who felt like I was always the one making the initiative to call first or text first. So I can see where she’s coming from.

HOWEVER, based on the email this sounds very extreme and like she’s going through something. Some space may be a good thing, but if you want to break ties completely, please do follow up and say so/give an update after a month instead of just letting it drift. From personal experience, ghosting can hurt more.

All the best! Hope you guys figure it out surprised

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