Post # 1
My best friend from high-school is getting married, I agreed to participate in the wedding. We’re both still in college, we do not go to the same school so I don’t get a chance to see her or talk to her often. Prior to her engagement, our friendship was already rocky. She refused to make any effort to maintain our friendship. Whenever we made plans she constantly would cancel or blow me off. Things have gotten a billion times worse now that she’s planning a wedding. I would really appreciate it if some brides/brides-to-be could give me some encouraging advice to help me!
To reduce cost (they’re on a tight budget) she told me she was asking the bridal party not to bring guests. However, everyone in the bridal party, except for the other bridesmaid (who refuses to bring a date) are allowed to bring their significant others. A close friend of ours who is not in the bridal party is bringing a date, as well as other friends who are attending. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to bring my boyfriend of 2 years. I understand that she’s trying to cut back costs, but I would feel more comfortable if I had him there. I’m already dreading the event and he’d make it more bearable. Is it rude to offer to pay for his plate? I don’t want to make a fuss, but I don’t think it’s fair that everyone else can bring someone and I can’t.
She asked me to plan her bachelorette party. I agreed, I thought it would be fun. I came up with this great idea to go to a pole dancing lesson and then enjoy the nightlife downtown. Everyone agreed with it. I booked it and put down a deposit. I received three facebook messages shortly after with endless, random ideas on what to do for the party. My friend changed her mind on what she wanted multiple times, each time was one extreme to the next. After that incident, I told her I didn’t think I should plan it because I didn’t know what she wanted. I cancelled my plans and lost my $400 deposit. She didn’t seem to care that I had gone through that effort and lost so much money. All she said was “Fine, I’ll have someone else do it.” Was I wrong to tell her I didn’t want to do it?
I understand planning a wedding is stressful. I’ve bent over backwards for her in the past and I’m continuing to do it now with her wedding. Our friendship is very one-sided, she never seems to care about me. I’m so frustrated and I’ve tried talking to her about what’s bothering me and all she says is the wedding is stressing her out. I don’t even want to bring up my feelings about her wedding because I can’t see it being a very productive, positive conversation. I’m honestly at the point where I just don’t even want to go anymore. In my opinion, your wedding is a day shared with loved ones. I feel like we’re not even friends anymore so it’s pointless for me to be apart of it. I’ve already ordered my dress and lost my deposit. I feel stuck. Is it too late to back out? Should I even bother trying to talk to her about this, or should I suck it up til July? I really don’t know what to do, she’s the first of my friends to get married. I honestly have never had the stress of planning a wedding and I don’t know what to say/when would be a good time to even talk to her. Help me please!
Post # 3
I think you should sit down and talk to her to see if maybe she is just in bridal mode and not realizing your feelings. It all comes down to, after the wedding is all over, is she someone you want in your life? I would like to think that if she was a real friend you could tell her how you feel and she would respect it, maybe not agree but at least listen. If I were you I would give it one more shot and talk with her about everything you are feeling. Weddings are stressful, but sometimes us brides need a little kick in the face back to reality! If she continues to blow you off when you try to sit down and hash this out, then I would start to consider the friendship and how important it is to you.
Post # 4
i agree with miss cheeky, you need to sit down and talk to her, bc regardless of “bridal mode” she needs to know how hurtful shes being!
i think your idea was GREAT and would be SO thankful if that was my bachelorette…just stay dimplomatic, and sweet, kill her with kindness!! ALWAYS my policy….makes the other person feel like a jerk lol
i’m sry ur going thru this! let us know how everything goes =)
Post # 5
I think you should talk to her, but you need to be really careful about how you do it. Like, even though it may be true, don’t say outright “I think our friendship is one sided and you never consider my feelings”. Instead, focus on specific actions that are fixable, like the date thing. You can tell her you’re feeling hurt by these things, but don’t do it in an accusatory way. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this…
Post # 6
I am shocked that she asked you to plan her Bachelorette party, but doesn’t think you are important enough to warrant a date. I know couples have different budgets, but the wedding party works so hard to make the experience fun and as stess free as possible for the couple. They spend lots of time, emotions, and $$ “working” for the bride and groom. They should be the FIRST and if need be ONLY ones to get +1’s.
Sorry you are dealing with a Bridezilla. I know we get stressed in planning, but I think it has become too commonplace and acceptable for brides to act this way. We are women who are preparing to be the heads of a brand new family unit. We should strive to show maturity and foresight instead of hiding behind the “bridezilla” veil. However, in your friends defense, maybe she does not realize what she is doing. Make your feelings known to her before you totally write her off.
Post # 7
well, don’t offer to pay for the plate, because it’s not really good etiquette and costs go well beyond the fee for the meal per person…..
I think you need to sit down and have a long talk. Before you do, think long and hard though, you may very well “loose her” for now, and no longer be in or invited to the wedding. In your case, however, it sounds like that may be better?
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice everyone!
Last time she was home we attempted to go to Starbucks. She stayed for 15 minutes, I hardly got a chance to talk to her about anything serious. We had a light, fluffy conversation about how our families were and how grad school searching was going. It’s hard to talk to her about these things because she is never available or around for an extended period of time.
I won’t offer to pay for his meal, because I agree that could come off as inappropriate. (They’re not doing plates though, it’s buffet style.) As for other costs, they’re not really doing much. The reception is in their church’s hall. They’re not having a DJ or a band play. There’s no alcohol, it’s going to be a dry wedding. (I’ve never been to a dry wedding. It’ll be interesting)
I also was on facebook earlier and her stepsister, of the other bridesmaids, is bringing a date and had announced that it was her and her significant other’s 8 month anniversary today. We’ve been together 2 years! My boyfriend and I have even been together longer than my friend and her fiance. (About 6 months longer!) It’s very frustrating that he’s not invited. My boyfriend’s friends from highschool are getting married in the fall and they’ve made it clear that I’m invited and I’ve only met them once.
Ugh. I hate stuff like this!
I swear when I get married everyone and their grandmother will be invited.
Post # 9
Yikes, I’m so sorry. She’s being really thoughtless, especially considering that you’re both on student budgets. (Actually, $400 is a huge amount of money for anyone to lose!) I agree with everyone else that talking to her is your best option. It’s possible she’s just really clueless and has completely lost sight of the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around her wedding. Perhaps you can be the friendly metaphorical kick-in-the-butt to help her realize that 🙂 I also agree that it’s lame that you can’t bring a date. I completely understand that weddings can get obsenely expensive and that each additional person can make a huge difference in the budget, BUT . . . to let others in the bridal party bring dates but not you seems just plain mean. Especially since you’ve been dating so long and she probably knows your boyfriend. Establishing plus-one rules can be tricky, but I should think that if anyone can bring a date, it should be members of the bridal party. Is her excuse simply the budget issue? That would be a bit ridiculous, considering how much money you lost on the party after she changed her mind! It would probably be best, however, to bring it up gently, especially if you want to remain friends post-wedding. And under the circumstances, I’m not sure it’s rude to suggest paying for your boyfriend, but I’ll defer to everyone else’s opinions on that.
At any rate, good luck, and keep us posted!
Post # 10
Yes. Her excuse was the budget. When this situation initially happened, I mentioned that boyfriend joked about wearing his tweed suit (which btw it looks like it was made from the fabric of a couch. i don’t even know where he found something so hideous) to her wedding she was like, “I didn’t include a +1 on your save the date.” I was like “oh. So he’s not invited?” and she said “Yeah. Nobody in the bridal party can bring dates, it’s too expensive” However later in the same conversation she was talking about seating arrangements and she dropped that her two step-sisters (both bridesmaids) were bringing dates (granted one of them is married) and all of the groomsmen were bringing ones too. I was talking to a few of our friends one night at work and both of them were bringing dates as well.
I’m thinking about calling her since she won’t be coming back until May. I know it’s less personal, but I think the closer it gets to the wedding the more stressed she’s going to be. It’ll be harder for me to make my feelings heard and not cause a meltdown with her.
Post # 11
I’d definitely call her. Under normal circumstances, I would say to let the date thing go as not everyone can afford for their guests to bring a date, but it seems as if everyone and their mother (except for you) can bring a date, and I don’t think that’s fair. Hopefully, you guys can just talk through everything. Try to be as supportive of her as you can, and just try to get through the wedding.
Post # 12
So out of the entire bridal party, you are the only one not allowed to bring a date? How absurd and insulting.
Honestly (as I have had one too many one sided relationships in my life) I would talk to her and if nothing changes, I would drop out due to her treatment of you.
Post # 13
You should be able to bring a guest, thats not fair especially a bf of 2 years not some random dude. I cant believe that place didnt give you back your $400 or at least half! Thats absurd!
Post # 14
Though it is a tad rude to offer to pay for his plate you have to remember it’s more then just a $25 dollar meal… It’s seating, etc. Maybe mention to her that you would feel more comfortable with him there. Personally I feel it’s poor etiquette to not allow singles to bring a date. So with her etiquette no-no maybe you should sorta push to have your boyfriend there.And I have to tell you hearing everything I suspect that you won’t be friends after the wedding as it seems like she’s more interested in filling a dress and looking popular then being surrounded by support.If it were me I would tough it out, but that is just me.
Remember that even though she seems unreasonable that you don’t know the whole story. And that brides change their minds on a daily basis. VERY few actually know 110% what they want on every detail. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve changed my wedding colors, but lets just say that I expect my mom or fiance to smack me with my wedding binder the next time I ask “What color do you like best?” or “When you close your eyes which color do you see in our wedding” (addressed to Fi obviously). When it comes to the bachlorette party I don’t have a dang clue and I’ve put it totally in my MOH’s hands as long as I get a naughty cake .
Post # 15
Thanks for the advice everyone! I haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet. 🙁 And I swear I’m not intentionally putting it off!!! I guess the other bridesmaid that is putting together the bachelorette party is really struggling and it’s stressing my friend out. I offered to help with any tiny details that the other girl needs, but basically all she ever asks me is if I knew anyone that would give us a discount on _______. (ex: limo, restaurants, bars etc) It’s kinda frustrating and I really don’t want to add anymore stress until this whole thing settles.
Basically, I’m just going to explain to her I’d feel much more comfortable if he’d go. I know it screws things up, but I’d really like him to be there. I understand why she wouldn’t want extra people there, but it’d mean a lot to me if he came. It’s not like we’ve been dating for a few months, we’ve been together for 2 years and I wish she would’ve made more of an effort to get to know him and all that stuff. I’ve decided to avoid being childish and saying “everyone else is bringing a date” and “we’ve been together longer than you and your fiance. I would never not invite him to my wedding” etc. As much as I would love to say those two because they’re both true and they both seal my case, I don’t feel like it’d be the best way to phrase things.
Anything else I should include? Should I tell her I don’t even want to be in the wedding anymore? And be honest and say it’s because of how she treats me as a friend?
Post # 16
I agree with the other bees! you should def talk to her!