(Closed) Advice from Married Bees??

• MrsN14
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2014

Just go into marriage knowing divorce is not an option. Keep your vows, through thick and thin. There is no reason for the divorce rate, people give up wayy too easily. 

• glitter86
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2012

Communicate!  It can get frustrating going through the same argument time and time again, but making headway requires effective communication.  Share your thoughts and feelings and be ready to compromise and apologise.  Even if you didn’t start the problem/argument, as long as you have contributed negatively by your reaction in any way, stop and apologise, and communicate respectfully until you start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  

I see it like this:  The less you communicate, the more you drift into your own thoughts and ideas and grow into your own oneness…. the height of oneness is divorce.  The more you communicate the more you pull together your thoughts and ideas and grow into each other… the height of togetherness being a healthy marriage!

Don’t give up on communication!

• gingerkitten
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

I’m not married yet, but seeing people with successful (or unsuccessful) marriages makes me agree with this wholeheartedly.

• Twyla_Smith
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2011

Realizing that you each are your own person, so learning how to live with that. I used to get wary if my husband wanted to go out with just his friends, but after getting to know his friends better, I am really okay with this. Plus, we work together, so it is nice when he goes out for the evening and I can just chill at home with the dog and watch chick flicks.

You also have to learn that there are some things that he is always going to do that will irritate (in my case, he cannot seem to find his way back to the kitchen with his dirty plates, or get his socks in the laundry basket), and it may just be a losing battle. But I’m sure I do things that irritate him too, like sing at him to wake him up…

• MrsBot
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2013

Don’t have unrealistic expectations about what marriage is. It is not what they show on tv or movies, and it’s not even what you get a glimpse of on other people’s Facebook pages. It isn’t butterflies all the time or even happiness all the time. Know that no matter what you do, you will have problems at some point. Everyone does. Be prepared to work through them and never give up on each other.

• mypinkshoes
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2012

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  we are both encores.  so we lived and learnt.

respect.  we both have the utmost respect for one another.   accept them and love them for who they are and don’t try to change them.

communication.  we say what’s on our minds.  good or bad.

don’t compete.  admit if you’re wrong.  be the first to say i’m sorry.  don’t hold grudges.

appreciate each other.  let them know you appreciate even the little things they do.

a marriage is not 50/50.  it’s 100/100. 

how do you ever expect to succeed if you’re only giving 50%?

• RoyalLime
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

COMMUNICATION! Your marriage is what you make it. If you let it fade it will. We have been together for 6.5 years, celebrating our first wedding anniversary on Sunday and we are more in love today then we ever have been!

• NJmeetsBX
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: March 2012

Here are few things that I have learned after 7 years with DH (4 living together, 1 married).  I have included my lessons learned and bits of advice I have encountered that has rung true for us.

First, lose “madly in love” from your vocabulary.  Not to be a party pooper but while you will love your husband you won’t be madly in love with him (not all the time anyway).  Marriage is work and it’s tough.  It is a sacrifice and a CHOICE you make every single day.  It is a choice to serve each other and it’s not always fun.  It’s definitely not always what you feel like doing.  He will annoy you.  He will disappoint you.  Consider his love for you and his INTENT before reacting to any situation. 

Protect your marriage.  By this I mean before letting others know of any issues you may be having, stop and think about it.  How will this person’s opinion affect the situation?  Don’t talk down to one another.  Don’t talk badly about each other to anyone.  Your friends and family hold grudges.  Surround yourself with people who support marriage in general and your marriage in particular. Don’t intentionally hurt each other even if you are hurting. 

Pick your battles.  Learn to let things go.  If it won’t matter 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 years from now – is it worth the fight?  You can be right OR you can be married.  There is no winner or loser.  You win and lose together. 

Giving 50/50 is a myth.  Marriage is not like a vending machine.  You don’t put a dollar in and get a soda every time. Sometimes it’s more like 90/10 in your spouse’s direction.  Other times you may get more of the benefit.  Do not expect to get everything you give right back at all times.  It just doesn’t work that way. 

Be willing to have a few bad years.  Yes, YEARS.  No you won’t be miserable the entire year but you may feel like your relationship is off kilter.  Hang in there and fight.  As long as one of you is fighting your marriage stands a chance.  When you both give up,  you’re doomed.  Don’t be ashamed/afraid/too proud to seek professional help.  That 3rd opinion does help and can get you over a bump. 

Know that EVERYONE has doubts at one point or another.  Everyone has wondered if this was the right choice, am I giving too much, did I say the right/wrong thing, am I being a pushover, can I handle this, etc.  This is normal.  There is no such thing as perfection in a marriage and no one but the two people in it know what is really going on in the relationship. 

A few words from Lydia Netzler that I find to be true:  “Marriage is endless, relentless and unfair and there are no rules or rewards.  Answer to no one and compare yourself to no one.”

Best wishes!

• LoveS46
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2006

I have been married for almost 7 years. I think communicating is top. You have to be able to talk to each other about anything and everything.

Trust, you need to trust each other 110%.

Seperate lives.. Yes, you are married. But, you should be able to go out and enjoy a night out with the girls, or your hubby say go golf with the guys if he want, or get a beer and catch the game at the bar. It is okay to do some things seperate as a couple, it is healthy..

SEX LIFE…. ALWAYS keep it going and exciting!!!! One thing I know, we have an amazing sex life and I will never let that go. It is important in a relationship. We just really enjoy that time together and always make it fun.

Learning when to let it go… Every couple argues at times, yes. But, sometimes it makes it worse when people just won’t let things go and move on. Sometimes you need to just know when to say sorry and let the issue go. Sorry is such a powerful word.

PRAISE AND APPRECIATE.. Always, always, praise your man. Tell him how much you appreciate him, how handsome he is and just how much you love him. I tell my husband everyday what a great hubby and daddy he is. I tell him I love him and all.. And, he does the same with me. Just this little effort each day keeps us smiling and happy. It makes you feel important and wanted. Make it a point to give each other a compliment at least once a day. Believe me, it is a wonderful thing.

AND ALWAYS BE MADLY IN LOVE… I know someone else on here says you won’t always be madly in love. Yes, people fight and you may be annoyed with your hubby. But, coming from someone who was married once before, once I stopped being in love it was over. It was sad, and sucked.. In this marriage, everyday I feel madly in love with my husband. When I look at him I am just so in love. He does one thing to help, or says something, and I just fall in love all over. I remember everyday why I fell in love in he first place, and I think that is a great thing. I truly believe you can be madly in love with your husband everyday! And, we all should be. It is such a wonderful feeling. 7 years later he still gives me butterflies when he kisses me. 🙂

• EastMeetsBarn
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

I think the biggest one is that love is a choice, and not a feeling.  Those weak-in-the-knees, butterflies-in-the-belly feelings will fade.  That is totally normal.  If you were to look for a new relationship everytime those feelings faded, you’d be looking for a new relationship every few years.  So the work of marriage is CHOOSE to love your partner even when those emotional fires have died down, and yes, to do so even when you’re going through a phase in which you are the 90 side of the 90/10 equation.

• iarebridezilla
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: June 2012

I think PPs have done a great job assembling a list, so I’ll just add my original thought, which is this: ALWAYS watch your tone. It can be soooo easy to get all comfortable with your husband and get snippy whenever you think he did something stupid or when you’re stressed and he’s asking you questions instead of leaving you alone. But that is a really good way to build up resentment, and QUICKLY. So always, always speak to your husband with love, and make sure he does the same. If DH and I snap at each other for any reason, we literally don’t even last a full minute without apologizing and making up. I think it’s really important to keeping that loving feeling going 🙂

• Rubbs
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2012

Be each other’s best friend. Don’t let anyone or anything come between you both. True love is unconditional. 

• Cyri
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: November 1999

Communication solves 99% of problems