(Closed) Advice from people dealing with a sibling's pregnancy while TTC

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

MaryCee6481:  i’m not ttc and never have, so i haven’t been where you are…but i just wanted to offer some support. i’d be really bummed too if my family was coming to visit me 14 hours away and then cancelled that to go see my sibling. i’d understand to a point but that doesn’t make it less of a bummer on top of everything else.

like i said i’m just offering support because i have nothing else, but best of luck with ttc and with keeping your cool with all of it.

Post # 3
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry. I can totally understand how you feel as someone who has been TTC. The only advice I can offer is this:

A) Take some time (privately, with your husband), and let yourself be sad. Yeah, maybe that’s “selfish”, but I think it will be way harder to be happy for them if you breeze right past your feelings in an effort to be happy for them. Take a day, or even a weekend. And don’t feel guilty for doing so.

B) I know you said you are a regular poster, so you might already be doing this, but come on over to the 6 month TTC board! The women there are incredibly supportive, and as someone who, like you, hasn’t told a lot of people IRL i find it’s amazing to find other people in the same situation.

Finally, C) don’t feel guilty for how you feel. Your feelings are totally natural.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  .
Post # 4
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Aww, I’m sorry you’re going through this! First of all, it’s really normal to feel a lot of complicated feelings when you’re in a situation like this. I was in a somewhat similar situation – my SIL and I got pregnant within a week of each other (my first, their second) and then I had a miscarriage. At first, it was incredibly painful hearing anything about their pregnancy. They knew about our loss, and they did a really wonderful job of being sensitive to us – they’d talk about how things were going if we asked, but didn’t gush all over the place in front of us. You might want to consider sharing your TTC struggles with your family, or at least with your mom. You don’t have to do it right this second, but maybe in a week or two when things have settled down. I’m sure they all love you and don’t want to cause you any pain, but they can’t be sensitive to your feelings if they don’t know about them! I skipped a few family events when I was feeling especially raw, but I made it to other ones and was glad that I did. Play things like that by ear, but do make an effort to be there for big things like baby showers, if you can. It will probably mean a lot to them.

Eventually, with time, it got much easier and by the time their baby arrived,I was really just so happy for them. So part of my advice is to give it time. As my nephew got closer and closer to arriving, I started to really be able to see that he wasn’t a representation of my loss or my body’s frustrating inability to conceive again – he was just a baby, and a pretty awesome one at that. 🙂

And don’t worry – parents have plenty of excitement to go around! I’m pregnant now and my mom was just as beside herself with news of this baby on the way as she was to hear her first grandchild was coming. 

But mostly – do not beat yourself up for having any of these feelings. Lots and lots of people have been there and have felt the exact same way. Hang in there and sending you so many positive thoughts for your TTC’ing!

Post # 5
1811 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your feelings are totally valid. I went through some jealousy issues when my sister got pregnant with her 3rd and I was still in the waiting to ttc phase. It was hard to push the negative down, but it was totally worth it because we ended up being pregnant at the same time (i was just into the second tri when her baby came) and she was a wealth of knowledge! Now she brings her little guy for spend the nights and we love that they’re so close in age. Good luck! I hope things work out for you soon!

Post # 6
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m not in the situation you described, but I just wanted to say that I don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling the way you do. Having a baby is a very emotional process for many people, and to tell yourself that you can’t be feeling the way you feel is just silly. You and your husband are more than in the right to take some time to feel sad, privately, and do what you need to do to emotionally get through this period of time.

Maybe take a break from baby making sex to just remove a little of the emotion, if that is what you need to do. (Please, feel free to continue with lots and lots of sex, just don’t deem it ‘baby making’ lol!) Sometimes, when something makes you sad, you just need to remove yourself from the situation for a bit. Not saying that you SHOULD do this, but just a suggestion to consider. If it isn’t something you think would help, then certainly, don’t do it, but I don’t really have too much to offer on this subject.

Good luck! 

Post # 8
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m the oldest in my family and have done everything last. In fact, I have two other cousins that are younger than I am that are more like siblings, so out of five of us, I’m the oldest and still last to do everything. Some days it really got to me that I wasn’t married or pregnant yet when others were. My cousin and my brother both got their gf’s pregnant by accident which was a tough pill to swallow. Then my bro planned his wedding 364 days before mine (my date had been set for months) and tried to steal my dress color. We were trying to get pregnant and there’s my sister pregnant with her second, brother pregnant with his first, cousin gets pregnant a month before my wedding. It was HARD some days. I of course was happy for them and babies are such a blessing but some days there was just a lot of self pity. I kept it to myself, let myself have bad days, and moved on. Gave them nothing but love and happiness when with them. Now I’m married and 18 weeks pregnant and over the moon excited. Things happen the way they happen and we don’t have a whole lot of control over that most of the time. We just have to roll with the punches and know that our time will come.

Post # 9
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

MaryCee6481:  You’re allowed to feel sad/jealous/mad/etc.  TTC is a horrible emotional rollercoaster.  My SIL announced her 2nd pregnancy 2 months into us TTC.  To make matters worse they conceived on our wedding night.  I had a horrible time dealing with it – especially since she was visibly pregnant around the holidays when I knew I would see her. Plus December was our 6 month mark of TTC so I was very depressed.  I got tons of pressure from family about getting pregnant soon so that the cousins would be close in age. I cried alot.  I was angry that my SIL already had an awesome son and was pregnant with baby #2 while we couldnt even get pregnant.  I was secretly wishing that baby #2 would be a boy so that my SIL wouldnt have a boy and a girl while my Darling Husband and I were struggling to keep sane while continuously failing at something that is supposed to be so easy. No one really knew we were TTC either, so I only confided in Darling Husband about everything.  I allowed myself to be sad when I needed to be…i even took a day off of work here and there and just stayed home and felt sorry for myself.  I did things I couldnt do if I were pregnant when AF showed. And then somehow I just kept pushing forward.  

And of course WB helped alot – especially the 6 month and 1 year TTC boards!

Post # 12
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

This part, “Adding to my stress, and this is the real petty part is, my parents are SO EXCITED because it will be their first grandchild. My mom has cancelled plans to visit me for holidays because she wants to save money to visit my brother when the baby comes, and she’s already let me know that her summer vacation will be to see them also. I live about a 14 hour drive away, so I don’t see much of them and was really excited for the visit.” would make me so upset.  I think you can’t get mad at the people who are pregnant for being pregnant, and you can’t resent them — that just makes your life less happy.  There’s no point.  However, you can get upset that your parents are changing their plans with you to do something with your brother.  I’m sure that brings up any old feelings of sibling rivalry you might be feeling.  

I would tell your mom and dad you’re upset.  Explain that you were really excited for their visit, and that it’s really disappointing that they’re cancelling.  Can you help pay for them to come visit you?


Post # 13
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

MaryCee6481:  I think your feelings are normal and recognising them as irrational is good. My mom was informed of her SILs pregnancy the day or the day after she miscarried. My aunt and uncle didn’t know. She apparently locked herself in the bathroom and cried. 

I think you should take some time and process, cry if you need to. Try not to let it affect your interactions with them but allow yourself your feelings.  

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