(Closed) Advice from your elders – what makes a marriage work

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I really wouldnt say that I’ve gotten advice from elders- neither of us have grandparents and my parents are divorced and his parents fight all the time (even though they love each other) and I would NEVER want to be like his parents!!! So here is some of my own thoughts on what it takes to make a marriage/relationship work

 

-honest and open communication

-being able to be independent but always being a team (aka same values, goals, etc but also having your own free time and things to do)

-being able to make each other laugh

-standing up for each other

-putting your relationship above all else (my dad says that putting the kids first was the biggest mistake him and my mom made)

-agreeing upon money related issues (bill paying, who makes more money, what type of accounts, where does it go, etc) It may not sound romantic but financial reasons are a huge reason for divorce and I think its really important if you are going to be married to someone that all of these things are clear and agreed upon

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um my parents told me never to trust anyone, including my husband.

Sigh! Yell

Post # 5
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Advice I’ve been told over & over is ……….

“Take everything with a Grain of Salt.”

Basically this means choose your battles; Don’t sweat the small stuff; Don’t stand so hard on your own ground without trying to understand the other side; There’s always gotta be give & take.

 

Post # 6
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Be ready to compromise and work at your marriage. 

Good advice, although I think it really just applies to relationships in general – no way we would have been able to make it through the past 5 1/2 years and all the changes that came with them without already doing this. 😛

Post # 7
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My parents swear by the old cliche “Never go to bed angry!”. They’ve been married 30 years 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Oh I had the Never go to bed angry, too!

Also, always put your partner above yourself – and the partner should do the same with you so it balances out.

Be faithful

Compromise: be able to put water in your wine, ensuring that it still tastes like wine!

My dad actually made a very nice speech during our ceremony with advice… Can’t remember it all though, it’s such a blur!

Post # 9
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ejs – LOL! 

My g-parents (who have been married for 45 years) told me this upon getting engaged: “There’s no more I and me, just us and we.” They never were very good advice-givers.

My biological mom (who was never married to my father and divorced my younger brothers’ father 10 years ago) said, “Your divorce party is going to be so much more fun than the wedding!”

🙂 LOL

Post # 10
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

Between advice from friends and family, examples of what not to do, and my own experiences, these are the things I’ve come up with that make my relationship with Fiance work.

pick your battles – I remind Fiance sometimes when he’s done something that irked me (tossing something to the garbage and it bouncing out, but not picking it up) but I don’t nag him or get angry. I try to keep in mind my imperfections when I start to feel frustrated.

make couple time – I have been so busy and stressed with work, as has my Fiance, and we are really busy with wedding stuff and family stuff on weekends. We have had little time lately just for the two of us. But I try to make up for it by being affectionate, taking a few minutes just to talk or cuddle when we can find it, and scheduling a night out for us now and then. This is very important to establish early and keep it up so once kids and other things come along, you don’t lose each other in the mix.

open communication – I think this is a given, but it’s so incredibly important. I talk to Fiance about almost everything. Usually the only things i keep to myself are my irrational frustrations/concerns/ramblings. Sometimes I need a little time to sort my thoughts, but I always talk to Fiance about how I’m feeling. He is my rock, so when I’m upset just seeing him is a huge relief. I have a tendency to be short when I’m upset about something. Thankfully I’ve learned it’s best to take some time to cool off before talking to Fiance, so I don’t take out my frustration on him. Most recently it was Verizon who made me so mad. I came home, silently fixed dinner, briefly stated to him why I was so angry, then went for a run. I came back and we talked things over.

thinking before you speak – I learned this lesson the hard way in my previous relationships. They were not healthy relationships, to say the least, but there was no sensor on my mouth. When I was upset or angry or sad it all came tumbling out, often before I took time to sort through my emotions and make sense of things. I said a lot of nasty things, and a lot of nasty things were said to me. Now I make sure to take the time to think about what I really want to say before I open my mouth. I still get my thoughts out, but in a mature manner that more accurately conveys my point. I try to respond, rather than react, and don’t let that initial, emotional, knee jerk response get the best of me. I can say that I have never called Fiance a name or said anything that I truly regret.

put your relationship first – I believe that if you and your SO put each other’s needs and concerns before your own, that you will each get your needs met. This means that you need to communicate your needs, but ultimately you both are in touch with each other and in putting each other first, your own needs get met. FI knows that sometime I need space to think, but he needs to talk things out. By him giving me the space I need I get the the point where I’m ready to talk more quickly and we are able to handle any disagreements in a calm manner. And we both have respect for each other for meeting each of our needs – I appreciate him giving me time to think, and he appreciates me being mindful of his need to talk things through sooner rather than later. We also put our relationship before anything else. Obviously we have work and family committments, but if we have a need as a couple, we address it as soon as possible. We don’t let family dictate what we do and we stay focused on our own goals and needs. This is crucial to us with financial matters especially.

 

Post # 11
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ummm. Seriously? My late grandfather is constantly quoted at saying “Keep the sex alive!”

 

Post # 13
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

My grandma always says “Never go to bed angry.” And “Always start each new day with a smile.”

Post # 14
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Never go to bed angry.

Communicate.

Always make couple time. (that’s the most important!!!)

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